turn the beat around

My character, success and happiness do not depend on other people’s opinion of me.  I cannot control how others interpret my behavior nor am I responsible for their thoughts about what I say or do.  I have no expectations of other people.  I do not concern myself with what they think about me or anything else.  Furthermore, there is no way for me to know!  I bring my best to what I do and it is enough.

These are the words I’ve decided to live by today.   I’m tired, irritable and especially sensitive, so it makes perfect sense for me to return here.

 Over the past year I’ve constantly fought my natural inclinations.  I dream about running and yoga all the time but haven’t done as much as a set of simple stretches in several months and haven’t laced up my running shoes in over a year. 

There are a few positives.  I’ve stopped compulsive gambling.  The shopping has slowed, but hasn’t quite stopped yet.  I don’t feel high from it anymore, though, so it’s just a matter of time.  The biggest change is the reduction of my sexual desires to little more than an occasional passing thought upon resting my eyes on a nice-looking man for a moment.  I’ve even stopped dreaming about it.  It scares me a bit, but I am facing it just as I do the walk from the bus stop to the house at night.  The fear of what comes next is just one of those things I have come to accept as unavoidable.  Besides, just because I’m afraid of it doesn’t mean it’s something bad.  I’m afraid of many things; most of them would make me very happy.

I often hear words out my own mouth that come from a peaceful abiding place that is achieved only by mental, physical and emotional balance, but I do not feel balanced.  I do not behave as a balanced person does.  I do not often think what I speak.  In my mind doubts and fears are prevalent.  I have intense highs and lows to my moods that I do not express.  I have withdrawn.

 

This morning I finished “Finding Ultra”.  The story itself was a thoughtful recount of the life-changing decision Rich Roll made that led him to become completely transformed inside and out.  I didn’t find his physical and spiritual development particularly inspiring necessarily, but I was particularly interested in the appendices.  Rich Roll, just like Scott Jurek, is a vegan world class athlete.  He went through in detail his experiences with highly nutritious, animal-free superfoods and research he had found about microbes, intestinal flora and what all these things have to do with eating habits and cravings.  At one point I touched my palm to my gut and thought, “This is what’s happening inside me.  The flora in my intestines feed on the unhealthy, oil and sugar-laden, meat and dairy-rich foods I’ve been consuming.  I need to get them out of there.  I need to detox.”  I ate the banana pancakes in the employee café for breakfast, mostly out of convenience.  For lunch I walked to Berkeley Bowl and purchased four items: a cauliflower and walnut bean salad, a quinoa and edamame salad and two bottles of chia seed kombucha.  I’m on my second fill of the 96-ounce Klean Kanteen I keep at my desk.  This is the solution or at least the beginning of it.  I am absolutely convinced.  It is going to be a difficult transition, and likely some bumps along the way, but I have to get back to my happy, healthy, energetic self.

In support of the detox, I’ve also decided to reread “A New Earth” and “Reinventing the Body, Resurrecting the Soul.”  This is the way I will recover, with the physical.  It is the only thing I can grasp right now, and I am desperate for control.

mindfuck central

Over the past month or so I’ve had some irritating money issues.  I double-paid my DMV registration when the check took too long to post.  The deadline was looming, so I went into the DMV office and paid the fee by debit card.  The rep at the counter assured me that the DMV would not cash my check if I didn’t owe them anything.  She was wrong.  Not only have I paid the registration a second time, when the DMV cashed the check the money wasn’t available in that account so I incurred a NSF fee of $30.  So I have double-paid my $274 registration plus a $30 fee.  To top it off, I now have to file an application for refund using their form.  Who knows how long that will take?

I took my car in for a smog check, which it failed.  The mechanic gave me an estimate for the work that needed to be done before running the smog again.  He said it would be at least $2500 – he stressed AT LEAST because there was still no guarantee that it would pass smog after the service was done.  I can’t get new license plate tags until the car has passed smog.  I’ve had the car parked in the driveway since my registration expired.  It will remain there until I can afford to get it serviced and roll the dice again.  Catching the bus has been okay without Lucky (he stays home with Mom most days since she is still in town), but I’ve tacked on an hour in both directions.  This two hour addition has come immediately from my self-care rituals.  I haven’t stretched, flossed, put together an outfit, done my makeup, eyebrows, pedicure, manicure or anything of the sort since putting the car away.  I rarely even bother to comb my hair.  I get up in the dark and return home in the dark every workday.  On weekends I take Mom out to run errands (in her car), do chores, clean up after four grown ass people, bathe the dog and basically just get ready to do it all over again the following week. 

Weekend before last, when I checked into the hotel where we had our team training retreat in San Diego, I used my debit card for incidentals because our rooms and parking were all being covered by a master bill account.  The hotel held $570 from my checking account.  That wasn’t supposed to happen – mistake on their end. 

Last weekend I stayed at the LAX Renaissance.  I prepaid that stay with Marriott points, so I also used my debit card for incidentals ($50 is typically held for this purpose).  I checked out of the hotel on 3/23.  On 3/24 they placed a hold for $334 on my account (I’m assuming that is the cost of two nights although I really have no idea why that would even be relevant since it was prepaid).  I called Renaissance to find out what the hell was going on since the hold was put on my account the day after I checked out.  The woman told me that she couldn’t help me since the accounting department was closed, but she could see that it was a mistake and my card had actually been run twice (and both times for the wrong amount since the reservation was prepaid).

All of this was a mystery to me until the evening of 3/24 after I got back home and went online to pay my car insurance.  My card was declined.  When I looked up my account info I was shocked, then angry, then upset.  The hotel where I stayed for work was eager to fix their mistake quickly, but the Renaissance rep told me to just wait until the following day and it should fall off on its own.  That wasn’t so.  Yesterday, ON MY BIRTHDAY MIND YOU, everything absolutely fell apart and my account went into the red with multiple overdraft fees and holds and just plain frustrating craziness.  Although I didn’t have any birthday plans, I couldn’t have gone anywhere if I wanted to.  My money is all tied up.  It’s a huge mess, and I can’t do a damn thing about it!  I have made requests for review by accounting representatives, jumped through hoops and yadda yadda yadda.  All I can do now is wait.  Last night I woke up so angry because I’d been dreaming of it.  I lie awake in my bed for almost three hours afterwards, begging the universe to resolve the situation and help me to be at peace.  I do feel a bit better today, but still far from my usual self - I'm fighting to keep my optimism at this point.  The most disappointing thing is that I don’t really desire or ask for much.  I am polite when I bring a mistake to someone’s attention.  I wait patiently on hold when they scramble to figure out what went wrong.  I empathize and never raised my voice.  Still, here I am  - screwed and powerless.  It’s bullshit.