Life with a Dog

When I thought of getting a dog, which I’ve done frequently over the past year, I thought of a German Short-haired Pointer or a Doberman mix.  I wanted a dog that would run with me in the pre-dawn hours and provide protection on backpacking trips in the backcountry.  The fates aligned and bought me a rescue, Lucky.  Lucky is a Chihuahua mix (I think with Miniature Pinscher based on his long legs and pointy snout).  Had I seen Lucky on the adoption websites, I would have passed him up without a second glance.  That’s a rat, not a dog.  I still feel that way when we’re taking our evening walk.  I can’t exactly count on him to discourage an ill-intentioned aggressor.

Lucky was found running the street by one of my coworkers when she almost ran him over.  The shelter asked her to foster him until the owners showed up to claim him.  They never surfaced.  She and her family tried to keep him, but there was so much internal debate in their household about him that it proved to be more trouble than it was worth.  The kids were all allergic to him, and her husband was hesitant to let him stay from the beginning.  Six months after they adopted him, they were ready to surrender him.  I volunteered early in the period of unrest to take him in.  I’d already begun looking for adoption online again when she came to me and told me that they were ready to give Lucky away.

From the first day, my routine was forever changed.  I’ve traded my early morning coffee while watching the news for coffee while taking a freezing cold stroll outside.  I’ve traded my gym bag for dog treats, toys and miscellaneous supplies.  I’ve traded my nightlife for hiking and puppy play dates.  On weekday evenings I pack two lunches.

The thing I miss most is sleeping in.  As I write this my eyes are dry and burning from a combination of too much time reading the screen and needing more sleep.  The only quiet time I have to read, watch a movie or catch up on news and emails is in the evening while Lucky is fast asleep in his bed.  While I’m at work in the office he naps next to my desk, readying himself to prance and play when I take him out every few hours.  The need to simplify my life is more pressing than ever.  Basically I’m exhausted.

a dream about doves

In a massive ballroom decked out like a country club wedding reception, a small boy broke open his birthday piñata. A dove with a yarn leash fell out. The boy skipped off with his new toy in tow, flapping its wings in panic behind him. My eyes followed the dove as it attempted to fly away. When it came to the end if its tether, it strained against it and I caught a glimpse of something above us.

Dozens of white doves lined the rafters. They were all perched practically motionless - silent and calm with alertness in their eyes that was very much alive.  Many of them were thin with missing feathers from weeks of neglect – symbols used for celebrations past and forgotten. They were trapped by the grand architecture of the ballroom.  Twenty feet below the the dying birds, the oblivious crowd cheered, drank and danced. I was horrified. I pulled out my phone and called for help (animal rescue?). As I explained to the man on the other end how serious the situation was, I followed the boy out into the courtyard in hopes of getting ahold of the dove to set it free.

Upon spotting a group of children playing outside, the boy lost interest in the dove and released the leash. I took the bird in my hands and looked for a way to remove the leash as its panicked flapping subsided. His beak was broken as a person’s nose would be – misaligned and bloody. There were tiny blood splatters on his head. My heart sank. I couldn't set him free because he would surely die without medical attention.  I held the dove gently against my chest and felt his warm belly against my palm.  For a moment we were both absolutely still, gazing out over the sea of people as we waited for help to arrive.

Then I woke up.

What does it mean?

I made it!

The past several months of depression have been peppered with the occasional fun social evening. If not for obligation, I'd probably have no social life left at all. Now that I'm finally shaking off the weight of pessimism and self doubt, I feel soooooooo much better. It all began with my injury on Mt. Shasta, of which I was in complete denial. I was broken. At the moment when feeling small against the vastness of nature's glory is supposed to liberate a person, I instead felt crushed. I didn't want to sit and cry with the support group or hear encouraging words; I wanted to disappear. In some ways, I did. No one knew my heart. I didn't open up to a single person. When I sought professional help, the flaming hoops were more than I could handle. There was no avoiding the numbness.

I feel light, unencumbered, and incredibly relieved. I have a bit of work to get my affairs back in order, but I tell you that's nothing compared to feeling hopeless and uninspired. Phew. One day at a time, and I appreciate each little thing that makes me happy.

not all funk is good funk

The past month has been very challenging. I’m beginning to feel things turn around now. I suppose the change is mostly in my perspective though. My closest friend at work and my closest friend at home have both moved on to their new lives with grace. I. on the other hand, feel stuck. I’ve stopped doing the things that make me happy: writing, reading, working out, dancing. I’ve fallen into gambling, binge drinking/eating, isolation, laziness and just all around moodiness. I would consider myself a functional depressed person in comparison to most people, but I’m a far cry from what a happy me looks like.

I have moments of clarity, when I consider picking my yoga and meditation practices back up again, but I somehow talk myself out of it. I know how to get out of this funk, but I just haven’t done it. I guess this is how people feel when they’re depressed? I attempted to go to Kaiser for therapy. I threw myself into their hamster wheel, convinced that all the hoop-jumping would eventually pay off. In the end they stuck me with a woman who was so frail and afraid that I pitied her. I felt like I should be the one holding the pen and clipboard. Her persistent haranguing voicemail messages fell on deaf ears. There was no way that woman was going to help talk anybody out of a rut unless she was the punishment for staying in it. Poor thing.

It’s not just me. Of course it never is, but I’m completely self-absorbed. I’ve noticed some of my coworkers withdrawing. I don’t have much opportunity to observe anyone else since I don’t go out anymore unless someone threatens to come to my house. I hosted a video game party at the office last week, and many of us were more tipsy than we’d been in each other’s presence in years, YEARS! We needed some fun so badly that I’ve been asked to host another one in 2 weeks. Although I am excited about it, I have to remind myself of how to share my toys.

walking in the realm of fear

Today during lunch I watched Iyanla and Tony.  They didn’t have to share the spotlight this time.  These people are so much better solo.

Anyway, today’s message to me is to be courageous. 

Iyanla said that she created a vision for the direction of her life, and where she ended up was better than anything she could have imagined.  The first step is creating the vision to move you forward, out of the box.  You have to keep the vision as you would a fetus (you are pregnant with vision), taking great care with it and keeping it safe and healthy.  You can’t tell everyone about your vision.  You can’t ignore when you feel that your vision is being harmed by your behavior.

Tony, on the other hand, went about it the enthusiastic way.  Get up, get physical!  Change your posture and position.  Use the physiology of emotion in your favor.  You need 3 things to succeed: strategy (the right method of achieving your goal), Story (create your own story that helps you instead of hindering you) and state (change your perspective and outlook).

Everyone has fear.  Instead of using the fear to make excuses not to take risks, take risks that, regardless of the outcome, will enhance your life experience.  Even if you fail, you will be enriched.  So, what this means to me is that I’m back to writing as revelation.  Yes, it’s uncomfortable.  No, it doesn’t matter if I sell a book.  Yes, it will make me happy.

something else beyond my control

I attended a friend’s wedding recently.  I arrived late and missed the 20-minute ceremony.  I parked my car near where Twin Peaks and I were supposed to meet prior to driving to the wedding location and waited. At that point, the only way we could possibly be on time is if she was already there.  She was delayed an additional 15 or so minutes with an over-cautious bus driver.  I wasn’t angry; I'd spent my waiting time quelling my irritation before she showed up. 

We got there just in time for the photos.  At the reception, there was an older gentleman at our table with his three friends.  Not only had I forgotten that he was the speaker who made a moving presentation at our office about gratefulness several weeks prior, but I was also unaware that he performed the wedding ceremony.  He found the way I spoke with casual familiarity with everyone at the table extremely offensive.  That became apparent when I swore in the middle of a funny story.  I apologized when I saw his face all scrunched up, but he countered with, “You’re not sorry.”  When I didn't respond, he repeated himself.  For the rest of the time we were there, I ignored him.  I do realize that I would also be offended if someone didn’t recognize me as an important player at an event, but at that point there was no remedying the situation anyway.  I couldn't think of anything to say that would remedy the situation.  In my experience, anything you say will just lead into an argument when you're talking to someone who doesn't like you.

Since that day, it stands out in my mind.  I’m disappointed by how it overshadows the joy of my friends’ union in my memory.  If I do see him again I can apologize again (although I doubt that it would make any difference), but right now I need to let go of the negative emotions associated with that experience.  I can’t change what a person thinks of me nor should I concern myself with doing so.  After all it’s their choice, not mine.

Observing Life

It never ceases to amaze me how much double-standard behavior goes on in daily life. Everyone wants to be handled with kid gloves but they don’t use that same consideration for others. Let’s take telling the truth for instance; everyone says they want you to tell the truth but when you do they act like you’ve just spit on them. Even if what you said is completely neutral and just stating facts, they feel as though it was a personal attack and react emotionally. I do it occasionally, and I did it all the time when I was younger. It confuses me when people I consider logical and emotionally intelligent have this reaction. I obsess about it for days, wondering whether or not I meant anything by it. I run through it over and over. Was there a better way to say it? Should I have just said what they needed to hear? Did I know what that was at the time? Was I insensitive? It usually ends there. Of course I was insensitive. Everyone is on occasion, and that has been a common complaint about me for years. After I’ve gone through this process, I often find myself having learned nothing more than patience. Patience is the one thing most lacking in my life. It’s funny how you receive the things you’ve asked for.


I find comfort in old songs and sayings I’d forgotten – coming in contact with something that hasn’t changed is surprisingly calming. I’ve also reconnected with dear friends from the past. Although I am seemingly always unsure of what’s on the horizon or even my own mood from day to day, I wouldn’t describe this phase as a struggle. When I filled my days with anxiety and my nights with sensation-seeking, I had so much to talk about and a ridiculously tight schedule (not to mention Plans B and C and so on). My life now looks boring in comparison, but I don’t feel bored at all. There are subtleties that I never noticed before.