I was just sitting here at my desk procrastinating going to the gym, so I figured why not write a blog? I get my measurements taken today. The last time I was measured, I’d just returned from Thailand. This should be interesting. I’ve been eating crap all week. Okay, maybe not for every meal but at least once a day I’ve had Ben & Jerry’s, a greasy burger or something else that doesn’t quite fit into the plan. I am not good at limiting my fat or calorie intake. I have so far been tracking every morsel that passes through my lips for about a week. It isn’t exactly encouraging. I exceed my calorie limit by at least 600 every day. I’ve tried offsetting the extra calories with a harder or longer workout, but that only makes me eat more. I am not one of those people who can sit around and listen to my stomach churn and rumble. In fact, I’m a bit of a glutton. Even when I’m not hungry, I like to taste things. I need to stop doing that. If I’m going to continue my constant sampling of every dish I come across, then I need to cut out regular meals altogether. All this working out is getting on my nerves!
I just want to relax. Is that so wrong?
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
a freewrite from abstinence
Something I found while looking around on my hard drive:
I thought long and hard about making this vow before I committed to it.
I considered how much I’d miss you once I took away the one thing keeping us together….and then I did it anyway.
It’s all so clear without sex. I have so much energy to pursue the things that give me great satisfaction, a satisfaction that brings with it more energy and feelings of empowerment. I relearn who I am. I embrace my sensuality, knowing that it exists in its purest and simplest form, independent from the worries and complication of the life we shared. This is me – vibrant, happy and loving – transcending the physical desires and trivial matters of the worried mind and brittle heart.
Helpless and weak now strong and powerful
No more tears
Only laughter
The love I held so close to my bosom was an anchor drowning my spirit in the murky depths of codependence
I thought long and hard about making this vow before I committed to it.
I considered how much I’d miss you once I took away the one thing keeping us together….and then I did it anyway.
It’s all so clear without sex. I have so much energy to pursue the things that give me great satisfaction, a satisfaction that brings with it more energy and feelings of empowerment. I relearn who I am. I embrace my sensuality, knowing that it exists in its purest and simplest form, independent from the worries and complication of the life we shared. This is me – vibrant, happy and loving – transcending the physical desires and trivial matters of the worried mind and brittle heart.
Helpless and weak now strong and powerful
No more tears
Only laughter
The love I held so close to my bosom was an anchor drowning my spirit in the murky depths of codependence
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Adventures in Medical Anomalies
After a couple weeks of feeling better that I have all year, I broke out in a rash something like the rash that one might develop during or after having a really high fever. Since I'd been having issues with a recurring strep infection, which I've already been treated for twice this year, I assumed that it was a strep rash (also referred to as scarlet fever). I had strep rash earlier this year following the initial appearance of strep throat (during SuperBowl/Ski Weekend). I was diagnosed with an ear infection almost a month ago (which made sense to me because I was home sick with the flu the week prior). The doctor who diagnosed me that time also did a throat swab because it looked reddish. That throat culture came back positive for strep. Great...this again. I took Erythromycin three times a day for twelve days. My era infection cleared up and it appeared as though that would be the end of the strep as well.
Now there's this rash that I noticed last week. In the evenings, I break out in hives in the affected areas. All the redness and swelling makes me look like I've been attacked by a colony of red ants. And the itching! The itching is as intense and persistent as Chicken Pox - I remember that well because I was 19 when I had it. I believe that the worst days of the rash are behind me now. I spent almost $50 on over-the-counter creams, sprays and allergy pills. I think I've narrowed down the effective treatments to Hydorcortisone cream and Benadryl tablets. The tablets make me drowsy (and a little bit delirious), but they work. The cream application may just be a ritual that I need to calm myself. Whether it really works or not may not be as important as the need being filled by the application process. I have to feel like I am doing something to help myself heal.
The results to my Saturday blood draw were all perfect - thanks for the clean bill of health but no thanks for the lack of answers. My urine test yesterday was also clear. My newest strep test came back positive again, but the doctor doesn't want to keep giving me antibiotics. She thinks that perhaps the strep bacteria are going to stay inactive in my system indefinitely like some people who have Staph dormant in their bodies. That is NOT what I wanted to hear. It makes me nervous to still have the bacteria in my system because of all those post-infection complications I suffered through when I got strep at 16 years old (which gave me all kinds of weird afflictions and caused me to miss too many days of the summer Driver's Ed program to pass the course).
Does this mean that every time I get sick the strep will come back? This analysis is not acceptable to me. I wish my gynecologist was also my general practitioner. He listens to me.
The affected areas on my arms were very active yesterday and last night. It was maddening, but I'd already experienced the exact same thing with the rash on my legs last week. After doing an hour of cardio (which only served to aggravate the condition), I took a hot shower with some antibacterial bar soap and applied hydrocortisone afterwards. This morning, it looked and felt much better. By the time the doctors figure out what the hell is happening to me, this ordeal will be over. Odd are they will only have a guess anyway, not a definitive explanation. That's how these things usually work.
I'm starting to wonder if it's the antibiotic that I am allergic to. I broke out in a mild rash after completing the first round of Erythromycin, which was only a few days worth. The second time, they gave me a stronger and longer prescription. Now I have a really terrible rash. Could it be that simple? I just think it's weird that it's only on my arms and legs. I'll have to bring it up to the Dermatologist I am supposed to meet with this afternoon. I'm also supposed to see an allergist.
I've been sick more during the past three months than I have in the past few years prior. It's freaking me out. I have coworkers who complain about the same thing. There's some crazy virus going around that starts off feeling like a cold but lasts for two weeks, and it sort of hangs around with that last sniffle for almost a month. I was lucky enough to get that one out of the way early. Now I get to watch other people go through it and listen to them complain about how long it lasts. As a germ-aware person, this is a bit unsettling to me. All that talk about supergerms and superviruses created by antibacterial sprays and gels might be coming to fruition.
Now there's this rash that I noticed last week. In the evenings, I break out in hives in the affected areas. All the redness and swelling makes me look like I've been attacked by a colony of red ants. And the itching! The itching is as intense and persistent as Chicken Pox - I remember that well because I was 19 when I had it. I believe that the worst days of the rash are behind me now. I spent almost $50 on over-the-counter creams, sprays and allergy pills. I think I've narrowed down the effective treatments to Hydorcortisone cream and Benadryl tablets. The tablets make me drowsy (and a little bit delirious), but they work. The cream application may just be a ritual that I need to calm myself. Whether it really works or not may not be as important as the need being filled by the application process. I have to feel like I am doing something to help myself heal.
The results to my Saturday blood draw were all perfect - thanks for the clean bill of health but no thanks for the lack of answers. My urine test yesterday was also clear. My newest strep test came back positive again, but the doctor doesn't want to keep giving me antibiotics. She thinks that perhaps the strep bacteria are going to stay inactive in my system indefinitely like some people who have Staph dormant in their bodies. That is NOT what I wanted to hear. It makes me nervous to still have the bacteria in my system because of all those post-infection complications I suffered through when I got strep at 16 years old (which gave me all kinds of weird afflictions and caused me to miss too many days of the summer Driver's Ed program to pass the course).
Does this mean that every time I get sick the strep will come back? This analysis is not acceptable to me. I wish my gynecologist was also my general practitioner. He listens to me.
The affected areas on my arms were very active yesterday and last night. It was maddening, but I'd already experienced the exact same thing with the rash on my legs last week. After doing an hour of cardio (which only served to aggravate the condition), I took a hot shower with some antibacterial bar soap and applied hydrocortisone afterwards. This morning, it looked and felt much better. By the time the doctors figure out what the hell is happening to me, this ordeal will be over. Odd are they will only have a guess anyway, not a definitive explanation. That's how these things usually work.
I'm starting to wonder if it's the antibiotic that I am allergic to. I broke out in a mild rash after completing the first round of Erythromycin, which was only a few days worth. The second time, they gave me a stronger and longer prescription. Now I have a really terrible rash. Could it be that simple? I just think it's weird that it's only on my arms and legs. I'll have to bring it up to the Dermatologist I am supposed to meet with this afternoon. I'm also supposed to see an allergist.
I've been sick more during the past three months than I have in the past few years prior. It's freaking me out. I have coworkers who complain about the same thing. There's some crazy virus going around that starts off feeling like a cold but lasts for two weeks, and it sort of hangs around with that last sniffle for almost a month. I was lucky enough to get that one out of the way early. Now I get to watch other people go through it and listen to them complain about how long it lasts. As a germ-aware person, this is a bit unsettling to me. All that talk about supergerms and superviruses created by antibacterial sprays and gels might be coming to fruition.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
get outta my face
When things go wrong, especially when there is a sequence of occurrences that seem to be working against my efforts and peace of mind, I usually try to just be quiet about it (unless someone asks). I don't want to give a bad day any additional power by affirming it. I can say it once I get home or to my destination, "today was a bad day". That usually makes me feel better. Everyone has bad days. Sometimes they are consecutive. Sometimes I get pissed off about it. I try not to let it get so bad that I completely lose my temper because...well, it scares me. I'm afraid of what I am capable of. I think it's all part of the human condition. We have to create our own balance and order within to avoid snapping and losing control. There is more and more of it on the news these days: folks killing each other, the kids and themselves. Sure, that is the worst of it - the very end of the spectrum, but the small battles we wage with life every day are our practice bouts leading up to that big title round, right? This morning I was overwhelmed by the feeling of loss. I am losing this battle. I need to take a break from it or just leave it alone altogether. I don't want to fight anymore. I can't win this one. I'm starting to take it out on people who haven't done anything to deserve it. I'm gonna write it all down and hopefully it will finally be over so I can move on.
A couple of weeks ago, Secret Squirrel and I took a road trip to Reno. We both wanted to get away, and my luck at the casinos has been good this year. I think he may have been hoping to have some of it rub off on him. I guess luck just doesn't work that way. We both lost. The total combined was somewhere around $1500. We also lost contact with each other in downtown Reno. After soliciting a stranger for use of a cell phone and waiting around with a terrible migraine for two hours in a smoky casino, I ended up taking a taxi back to our hotel because he had the car keys. He showed up back at the room about two hours later (5AM). We showered and got in bed, where I suffered for an additional 2-3 hours with nausea from the migraine and the antibiotic I was taking for strep throat. The next day, we hung out for another few hours before hitting the road. I was done. I was done the first day. After losing $200, I wanted to go home. Little did I know that I still had another $500+ to lose and a night of sickness still ahead of me. All the food we ate that weekend sucked. I wanted to visit some of the nicer Reno restaurants, but the boy wanted to dine at the greasy spoons. We compromised, and nobody was happy. Although I could drink with the antibiotic I was taking, alcohol made the headaches worse. I haven't been smoking weed for a while, so I hadn't prepared for that option. Also, weed is so very illegal in Nevada. It was a complete bust, but I didn't want the boy to feel bad about me not having a good time. He said he had fun, so that was all that mattered to me at the time. I'd recover from the discomfort and the money is just money - it comes and goes. Looking back, I should have cancelled the trip when I found out I had strep throat the week prior. Duh. that was an idiot move.
I think I've just been too concerned with making other people feel comfortable or making sure other people are happy. I've always considered myself to be pretty spoiled and selfish, so it's weird to discover that it might not be completely true. My mother has always told me that I was spoiled, self-absorbed and insensitive. Perhaps, as an adult, I've been trying so hard to compensate for it that I have somehow managed to become too giving. I still don't believe that for a minute, but let's just explore this hypothetically for a minute.
After the road trip, I had a few days before my birthday so I got caught up at work and took almost a week off to just relax and get some things done around the house. Alex and I took a snowboarding day trip the day before my bday to Sierra at Tahoe. It rocked! I switched my feet on the snowboard from goofy (the only position I've ever used snowboarding) to traditional. I kept moving to the backward side when I was in the goofy stance, so I said why not try it the other way. I had to learn how to stop all over again, but I think it's still the right way now. My back knee started hurting and I had a sharp pain in it for a few days following that excursion. It's just now back to normal. I think I tweaked it on the lift while trying to hold my board away from Alex's. Whatever. It's okay now. We passed by Red Hawk Casino in Placerville on the way home, where I managed to win a few hundred bucks. We got back to the Bay Area about twenty minutes before midnight. When I got to Secret Squirrel's place, I was exhausted. I should have just gone home - idiot move #2. He didn't have my birthday gift and he wanted me to be awake so we could hang out. My fault (that's what I thought at the time anyway).
The next day, since I hadn't prepared for sleeping over at SS's, I had to go home so I could get changed and ready to face the world. SS had taken the day off to spend with me. I had other plans (albeit not very solid or impressive plans, but plans nonetheless). He didn't tell me until the night before that he took the day off to spend with me. It was a Wednesday, so I figured I'd be flying solo or perhaps with Mom. I wanted to texturize my hair, get my eyebrows waxed, restock my overnight bag with essentials, get my car detailed, get a manicure and pedicure and get to the casino (where they were having a party 10AM - 10PM). This "day off to spend with me" complicated my schedule, and I wasn't too keen on spending any time with him as it was, so I decided to go ahead and do my hair and eyebrows. I got home, showered and dressed and then called him to find out where he wanted to have lunch (I skipped breakfast so we could at least eat together). He said he'd made plans for some of his own errands and was therefore not available until later in the afternoon (and then only for a couple of hours). At that point, I was wondering what happened to spending the day with me, but I was too hungry and irritated to even give it any more thought.
After I ate, I called him back and we talked about how he hadn't used the bday gift suggestions that he insisted I give him earlier that week, so what was the point of me racking my brain for the damn list anyway? I figured that the one person I spend most of my free time with should know me well enough to know what I like. If he was having that much trouble picking a gift, then fine give me the money. He said he knew what he wanted to give me but it would be a few days. Ok cool. Whatever. The week blew by, ending with Game Night #1 with Alex, Martina and Tracey on Saturday, which was more fun than I could have anticipated. Overall, I'd say it turned out pretty well.
I got my gift from the boy on the following Monday (I did mention that my bday was Wednesday, right?). He gave it to me that night after we had a long talk in the car about how I felt about the things that had transpired between us over the previous week with the miscommunications and disappointment. It was a boxed collection of the Family Guy cartoon series (plus) which included a ping-pong set (minus - who the hell plays ping pong?) and a poker set [which I already own and have been storing on the bookshelf at his house for several months since I never use it] (double-minus). I told him before opening it that Martina had already given me the Family Guy Season 6 (half-minus since he didn't know that when he bought it). I tore the shrink wrap off and the shattered glass box fell apart in my hands (triple-minus). I told him not to give it any more thought because the issue had already been discussed and the universe was obviously conspiring against him on this. Since then, I have also discovered that the first 5 discs in the set do not play. This awful gift just won't die, will it? I should have taken the money when I had the chance. I guess that is idiot move #3 on my part. When you want something done right...Next year, I'm taking myself for a spa day.
There have been other little things bothering me as well. Mother asked me to give her some money as usual, as if it was just another day. She put $100 in my card, and I returned it to her since I know she's on a fixed income and I really didn't need it as much as she did. Then, she asked for more! I said, "Why are you harassing me on my birthday?" I eventually put the additional $100 on her kitchen table with a note saying that she didn't have to bother taking me to dinner. "I’ll find something on my own out there." I think family just treats you like shit because you're stuck with them for life. They don't have be concerned about your happiness. By the end of that day, which I decided was around 7PM to be merciful on myself, I just wanted to be left alone. I got in bed when the sun was still out and was asleep before 9PM. The next day, mother gave me back my $100 (out of guilt no doubt) and took me to dinner after I drove her to her appointment at the Philippine Embassy.
On a more upbeat note, Alex and Martina have been great sports throughout this whole fiasco. They listen to all my bitching, get me out of my funk and I always feel better afterwards. Also, most of the scratches I got on my rear bumper from that kid rear-ending me a couple weeks ago are barely visible after two car waxes. Oh, and I am FINALLY well! The cough, sore throat, fever and hives finally went away. I’m done with antibiotics and caught up on my sleep. Since Secret Squirrel has been getting on my nerves, I have been spending more nights at home and therefore getting the rest I need. In fact, I think I’ll wait until he has set up that memory foam mattress I got for him before I go over there again. The damn thing has been leaning against the wall in the corner of the hallway, still in the shipping carton, for over two weeks now! See what I mean? How annoying is that? Ugh. I could have used that money for a spa day and still had some left over for a nice dinner afterwards. Technically, that would be idiot move #2 since I bought it before the road trip.
Is it just inevitable that men just slack off once they get comfortable? They expect us to maintain our figures, care for them, dote on them and every once in a while surprise them with a little something special. This is every day people! Then when a special day comes along, where’s my damn return? I really want to be over this. I want this to stop bothering me. I want the effort to truly be equal. I don’t want to just hear the words; I want to see the action. YOU MEN ARE SO FULL OF SHIT! I need to go back to being abstinent. This is bullshit.
I thought I was skipping over all this stupid shit by being in a casual type of involvement, but it’s all the same. I need to just sleep with someone that I don’t give a fuck about. That way, I won’t feel compelled to help him when he’s having trouble or give him tokens of affection. Then I won’t expect the same in return. I will never again have to give head because he’s horny and I’m on my period. I can just tell him to kiss my ass and really mean it. I can send all his calls to voicemail and then delete the messages without listening to them. I can move on to the next MF that catches my eye without remorse or a second thought. I won’t have to provide closure. I can just stop talking to a MF. Is that how I need to act for shit to change? Will you MFs be paying attention then? Fuckers…
…and I don’t give a shit how many assholes read this and get mad. If it wasn’t true, you wouldn’t have any reason to be upset.
A couple of weeks ago, Secret Squirrel and I took a road trip to Reno. We both wanted to get away, and my luck at the casinos has been good this year. I think he may have been hoping to have some of it rub off on him. I guess luck just doesn't work that way. We both lost. The total combined was somewhere around $1500. We also lost contact with each other in downtown Reno. After soliciting a stranger for use of a cell phone and waiting around with a terrible migraine for two hours in a smoky casino, I ended up taking a taxi back to our hotel because he had the car keys. He showed up back at the room about two hours later (5AM). We showered and got in bed, where I suffered for an additional 2-3 hours with nausea from the migraine and the antibiotic I was taking for strep throat. The next day, we hung out for another few hours before hitting the road. I was done. I was done the first day. After losing $200, I wanted to go home. Little did I know that I still had another $500+ to lose and a night of sickness still ahead of me. All the food we ate that weekend sucked. I wanted to visit some of the nicer Reno restaurants, but the boy wanted to dine at the greasy spoons. We compromised, and nobody was happy. Although I could drink with the antibiotic I was taking, alcohol made the headaches worse. I haven't been smoking weed for a while, so I hadn't prepared for that option. Also, weed is so very illegal in Nevada. It was a complete bust, but I didn't want the boy to feel bad about me not having a good time. He said he had fun, so that was all that mattered to me at the time. I'd recover from the discomfort and the money is just money - it comes and goes. Looking back, I should have cancelled the trip when I found out I had strep throat the week prior. Duh. that was an idiot move.
I think I've just been too concerned with making other people feel comfortable or making sure other people are happy. I've always considered myself to be pretty spoiled and selfish, so it's weird to discover that it might not be completely true. My mother has always told me that I was spoiled, self-absorbed and insensitive. Perhaps, as an adult, I've been trying so hard to compensate for it that I have somehow managed to become too giving. I still don't believe that for a minute, but let's just explore this hypothetically for a minute.
After the road trip, I had a few days before my birthday so I got caught up at work and took almost a week off to just relax and get some things done around the house. Alex and I took a snowboarding day trip the day before my bday to Sierra at Tahoe. It rocked! I switched my feet on the snowboard from goofy (the only position I've ever used snowboarding) to traditional. I kept moving to the backward side when I was in the goofy stance, so I said why not try it the other way. I had to learn how to stop all over again, but I think it's still the right way now. My back knee started hurting and I had a sharp pain in it for a few days following that excursion. It's just now back to normal. I think I tweaked it on the lift while trying to hold my board away from Alex's. Whatever. It's okay now. We passed by Red Hawk Casino in Placerville on the way home, where I managed to win a few hundred bucks. We got back to the Bay Area about twenty minutes before midnight. When I got to Secret Squirrel's place, I was exhausted. I should have just gone home - idiot move #2. He didn't have my birthday gift and he wanted me to be awake so we could hang out. My fault (that's what I thought at the time anyway).
The next day, since I hadn't prepared for sleeping over at SS's, I had to go home so I could get changed and ready to face the world. SS had taken the day off to spend with me. I had other plans (albeit not very solid or impressive plans, but plans nonetheless). He didn't tell me until the night before that he took the day off to spend with me. It was a Wednesday, so I figured I'd be flying solo or perhaps with Mom. I wanted to texturize my hair, get my eyebrows waxed, restock my overnight bag with essentials, get my car detailed, get a manicure and pedicure and get to the casino (where they were having a party 10AM - 10PM). This "day off to spend with me" complicated my schedule, and I wasn't too keen on spending any time with him as it was, so I decided to go ahead and do my hair and eyebrows. I got home, showered and dressed and then called him to find out where he wanted to have lunch (I skipped breakfast so we could at least eat together). He said he'd made plans for some of his own errands and was therefore not available until later in the afternoon (and then only for a couple of hours). At that point, I was wondering what happened to spending the day with me, but I was too hungry and irritated to even give it any more thought.
After I ate, I called him back and we talked about how he hadn't used the bday gift suggestions that he insisted I give him earlier that week, so what was the point of me racking my brain for the damn list anyway? I figured that the one person I spend most of my free time with should know me well enough to know what I like. If he was having that much trouble picking a gift, then fine give me the money. He said he knew what he wanted to give me but it would be a few days. Ok cool. Whatever. The week blew by, ending with Game Night #1 with Alex, Martina and Tracey on Saturday, which was more fun than I could have anticipated. Overall, I'd say it turned out pretty well.
I got my gift from the boy on the following Monday (I did mention that my bday was Wednesday, right?). He gave it to me that night after we had a long talk in the car about how I felt about the things that had transpired between us over the previous week with the miscommunications and disappointment. It was a boxed collection of the Family Guy cartoon series (plus) which included a ping-pong set (minus - who the hell plays ping pong?) and a poker set [which I already own and have been storing on the bookshelf at his house for several months since I never use it] (double-minus). I told him before opening it that Martina had already given me the Family Guy Season 6 (half-minus since he didn't know that when he bought it). I tore the shrink wrap off and the shattered glass box fell apart in my hands (triple-minus). I told him not to give it any more thought because the issue had already been discussed and the universe was obviously conspiring against him on this. Since then, I have also discovered that the first 5 discs in the set do not play. This awful gift just won't die, will it? I should have taken the money when I had the chance. I guess that is idiot move #3 on my part. When you want something done right...Next year, I'm taking myself for a spa day.
There have been other little things bothering me as well. Mother asked me to give her some money as usual, as if it was just another day. She put $100 in my card, and I returned it to her since I know she's on a fixed income and I really didn't need it as much as she did. Then, she asked for more! I said, "Why are you harassing me on my birthday?" I eventually put the additional $100 on her kitchen table with a note saying that she didn't have to bother taking me to dinner. "I’ll find something on my own out there." I think family just treats you like shit because you're stuck with them for life. They don't have be concerned about your happiness. By the end of that day, which I decided was around 7PM to be merciful on myself, I just wanted to be left alone. I got in bed when the sun was still out and was asleep before 9PM. The next day, mother gave me back my $100 (out of guilt no doubt) and took me to dinner after I drove her to her appointment at the Philippine Embassy.
On a more upbeat note, Alex and Martina have been great sports throughout this whole fiasco. They listen to all my bitching, get me out of my funk and I always feel better afterwards. Also, most of the scratches I got on my rear bumper from that kid rear-ending me a couple weeks ago are barely visible after two car waxes. Oh, and I am FINALLY well! The cough, sore throat, fever and hives finally went away. I’m done with antibiotics and caught up on my sleep. Since Secret Squirrel has been getting on my nerves, I have been spending more nights at home and therefore getting the rest I need. In fact, I think I’ll wait until he has set up that memory foam mattress I got for him before I go over there again. The damn thing has been leaning against the wall in the corner of the hallway, still in the shipping carton, for over two weeks now! See what I mean? How annoying is that? Ugh. I could have used that money for a spa day and still had some left over for a nice dinner afterwards. Technically, that would be idiot move #2 since I bought it before the road trip.
Is it just inevitable that men just slack off once they get comfortable? They expect us to maintain our figures, care for them, dote on them and every once in a while surprise them with a little something special. This is every day people! Then when a special day comes along, where’s my damn return? I really want to be over this. I want this to stop bothering me. I want the effort to truly be equal. I don’t want to just hear the words; I want to see the action. YOU MEN ARE SO FULL OF SHIT! I need to go back to being abstinent. This is bullshit.
I thought I was skipping over all this stupid shit by being in a casual type of involvement, but it’s all the same. I need to just sleep with someone that I don’t give a fuck about. That way, I won’t feel compelled to help him when he’s having trouble or give him tokens of affection. Then I won’t expect the same in return. I will never again have to give head because he’s horny and I’m on my period. I can just tell him to kiss my ass and really mean it. I can send all his calls to voicemail and then delete the messages without listening to them. I can move on to the next MF that catches my eye without remorse or a second thought. I won’t have to provide closure. I can just stop talking to a MF. Is that how I need to act for shit to change? Will you MFs be paying attention then? Fuckers…
…and I don’t give a shit how many assholes read this and get mad. If it wasn’t true, you wouldn’t have any reason to be upset.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Ill-Fitting at Home
It's good that I left Thailand when I did because the anti-government group has had the airport shut down since then. I would have been stuck in Bangkok until I got tired of waiting. Then I'd have paid the extra money to take the train and fly out of a different airport. The group holding the airport has so far been peaceful and gives free food and water to people who show up there - a huge contrast to that awful Mumbai incident.
I've been home for a week now. At first, it seemed like nothing had really changed. Now that I'm trying to find a rhythm again, I'm running into some speed bumps. These little obstacles are individually not a big deal, but together are dragging me back down into worry.
I have some bills that I didn't pay on time (with associated ridiculous fees) and it just happens to be car maintenance time as well - new brakes, oil change (which can only be done at the dealership on this particular model), registration, insurance policy renewal, blah blah blah. I probably won't be able to travel again until my birthday, except for maybe a road trip. I'm stretching the budget to buy Christmas gifts - including one for myself mmhmm.
The closer I get to returning to work, the more nervous I feel about it. I mean, our office is such a liquid environment; people move around a lot and responsibilities change quickly. I wonder if I'll be doing something different when I return. More than that though, I wonder who I'll be working with. When it all comes down to it, even if you have the ideal position, who you work with determines how happy you are with your job. I just wanna be happy. I'm not looking to get rich.
My love life, well, it's still on hold. I feel strange where that is concerned too. Supposedly, when a person experiences the bliss associated with meditation, the libido may be suppressed. I don't feel like my meditation experience has been intense enough to have that effect, but here I am. I hope this is just a temporary side effect.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
I've been home for a week now. At first, it seemed like nothing had really changed. Now that I'm trying to find a rhythm again, I'm running into some speed bumps. These little obstacles are individually not a big deal, but together are dragging me back down into worry.
I have some bills that I didn't pay on time (with associated ridiculous fees) and it just happens to be car maintenance time as well - new brakes, oil change (which can only be done at the dealership on this particular model), registration, insurance policy renewal, blah blah blah. I probably won't be able to travel again until my birthday, except for maybe a road trip. I'm stretching the budget to buy Christmas gifts - including one for myself mmhmm.
The closer I get to returning to work, the more nervous I feel about it. I mean, our office is such a liquid environment; people move around a lot and responsibilities change quickly. I wonder if I'll be doing something different when I return. More than that though, I wonder who I'll be working with. When it all comes down to it, even if you have the ideal position, who you work with determines how happy you are with your job. I just wanna be happy. I'm not looking to get rich.
My love life, well, it's still on hold. I feel strange where that is concerned too. Supposedly, when a person experiences the bliss associated with meditation, the libido may be suppressed. I don't feel like my meditation experience has been intense enough to have that effect, but here I am. I hope this is just a temporary side effect.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Monday, November 24, 2008
Home, James
The waiting continues. I've been at the airport for almost 2 hours standing in a series of lines and answering questions. I spent my last $10 on a ham sandwich and water at the Bangkok airport, so I'm waiting here for Secret Squirrel to pick me up. I didn't realize it would be such a challenge to find a ride on a Monday evening, but I guess that's because I'm used to just jumping in my own car and taking off whenever I please.
The past week has been a tight squeeze budget-wise. I can't wait to get home so I can have access to money again. No matter how much contempt I have for it, I know I must have it to survive. There's no way to avoid that.
Upon receiving my pack from baggage claim, I started to feel depressed. I looked ahead of me to the long line of travelers waiting to have their belongings inspected, and I thought, 'I really wish I was somewhere else'. I haven't been able to get in contact with my mom yet either.
I can't believe it's over already. I'm trying my best not to want to turn the clock back since it's futile to think that way. I'm certain that what I need right now, more than anything, is a good meal and a solid 10 hours of sleep. I feel drained in every possible way. I'll catch up with you all later.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
The past week has been a tight squeeze budget-wise. I can't wait to get home so I can have access to money again. No matter how much contempt I have for it, I know I must have it to survive. There's no way to avoid that.
Upon receiving my pack from baggage claim, I started to feel depressed. I looked ahead of me to the long line of travelers waiting to have their belongings inspected, and I thought, 'I really wish I was somewhere else'. I haven't been able to get in contact with my mom yet either.
I can't believe it's over already. I'm trying my best not to want to turn the clock back since it's futile to think that way. I'm certain that what I need right now, more than anything, is a good meal and a solid 10 hours of sleep. I feel drained in every possible way. I'll catch up with you all later.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Huh?
Ok, something weird just happened. After taking a detour away from the regular route, which has the street blocked off, our bus was boarded by some guys wearing helmets and bandannas over their faces. When they started to argue with the driver and fare collectors, passengers began to make a hasty exit. This is where me being black and from the ghetto really kicked in. I had my pack on and was off that bus before I could take my next breath.
The guys on the bus were being trailed by an ambulance. Since I can't understand Thai and no one on the bus with me spoke English (or maybe they did but didn't want to say anything to me), I still have no idea what the hell was going on. There were a couple guys dressed in military uniforms talking to a few passengers across the street, and others took out their cell phones to call and tell someone they would be running late or whatever. I waited until long after the incident to take out my phone, hoping I could try and make some sense of it first.
As we passed more barricaded streets, police presence multiplied. In an area I walked through yesterday, which had also been another surreal experience, it was heavy with uniforms and cops whistling for passers-by to stop looking and keep driving. Yesterday, I somehow gained access to a tent city outside a hotel surrounded by wrought iron security gates. In the parking lot were two Bentleys, an exotic sports car that appeared to be from the 1970's and a handful of benzes.
The tent city people were lying together in large groups under canopies and looked as though they were doing nothing. The strange part is that the area was fenced off, but they still allowed me to walk through. No one could speak English to tell me why I shouldn't...and I did ask. I'm thinking it was some sort of peaceful protest. There is a civil disturbance here between supporters of the king and those who believe he is too corrupt to be in power. It's always the same issue no matter where you are.
Well, I'm on my way to the airport to wait out the few hours I have left in Thailand in the nice air-conditioned terminals. I'm waiting at Hua Lamphong (again) for the train to the shuttle stop. It has been a good trip and I hope to return soon, but I think the signs are all pointing towards home now. See y'all in a blink.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
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