It's not you, it's me

I put on my running clothes on at 6am. I had my usual energy gel and glass of water. It gave me a stomach ache. This is how my life has been for the past two days due to a stomach bug. Needless to say, I didn't go. I changed back into my PJ's, sent my coworkers an email telling them I wouldn't be in today and popped a Family Guy DVD into the player.

I stayed home from work yesterday too. Surprisingly, I slept most of the day and through the night. I think I ate about 1000 calories. It has been difficult to eat more than a few bites at a time. I've resorted to thawing out meat to cook so I can make those few bites count as much as possible.

The nausea I suffered on Sunday was so terrible that I barely ate anything. I felt weak that morning, so I skipped my long run. I didn't know I was ill yet at that point. I had a prior commitment to a volunteer group in West Oakland, so I left the apartment to take care of that. Three hours of chills and stomach cramps later, I was back home (albeit without electricity for a few hours). I tossed and turned all night with stomach cramps. It was awful.

A couple of people at the office have recently complained about similar symptoms. I understand that they don't want to use their paid time off for sick days, but neither do I. It's not fair to everyone else when you go to work sick. I say that a lot, but no one's listening.

As for the dating scene, it's the same as it ever was. I'm fed up with the probationary period when everyone is on their best behavior. I'm tired of people not being themselves. I'm even more tired of people being intimidated by my directness. Seriously, how old are we? I don't feel like it's necessary for me to pretend to be well-mannered. I'm not. I laugh at mean things and make crude jokes. Although I know which fork to use at a fancy restaurant, I much prefer a rowdy neighborhood diner.

I could just be depressed from endorphin deprivation (oh man do I miss them), but I'm so over the bullshit. I think this is why I always end up with assholes. They're going to say what's on their minds whether you want to know or not... my kind of people.

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Done, and next?

I ran the first 8+ miles with one of my coworkers, whom I spotted in my pace group (12:00 – 13:59). We chatted a bit but were just silent in each other’s company for the majority of it. Once the course got hilly, she wanted me to go on and leave her to her own comfortable pace. I think it was clear that I needed to turn it up. We were averaging about 13 minutes a mile together. My last five miles (according to the tracking chip) were around 11.6 minutes each on average. I probably could’ve gone faster, but I didn’t want to be too tired at the end. I still had to ride the shuttle back to the start, BART back to my car and then drive home. Also, I hadn’t had a meal yet. I’m impressed with the knowledge that I can do all that on so few consumed calories. It really makes me think of how much food I eat unnecessarily. If only the act of eating wasn’t so sensual.


I have only run once this week, yesterday morning. I suppose that’s enough, but I do feel a bit lazy now. I skipped my usual hour of physical training yesterday to attend a meeting yesterday. I feel endorphin deprived. I had an hour of restorative yoga, so maybe that’ll be enough. If not, I’m not entirely sure what I’ll do. I may just have to deal with it.

I am keeping the running schedule with Wednesday as an optional running day, determined by how my joints feel after Tuesday’s run. I’m also keeping the distance on Sundays. I’d like to add a mile a month to build up to the full distance for Nike 2011. I’ve never done a full marathon, running, walking or any combination. I’ve hiked/backpacked 26 miles before, but it was spread out over three or four days. Speaking of which, I need to plan a backpacking trip; I’m WAY overdue. Legs wants to make it a bike-packing trip. Not sure how much I can get into that idea. I’d like to get as far from the roads as possible. I’ve got about three weeks of vacation time saved up, so maybe I can do both.



On the dating front I’ve come to the disturbing realization that this guy I’ve been pseudo-investigating for the past few months is very similar to me. We hung out last night, and he said many things that could’ve easily come out of my mouth. I was taken aback. We were awkward together at best. Hopefully that will relax soon. I’d like to find out more. If he’s anywhere near as screwy as I am, I may be biting off more than I can chew. I need a simple man - simple, not boring. He’s got his eye on me for signs of red flags too. I can feel it, and it’s funny. Supposedly he has a history of attracting crazy women. Now THAT is intriguing. Were they crazy before he met them or did they snap? Either way, not it! Hmmm.

I don’t want to downplay the other two dating game contestants. Both are hot. One of them is pretty to look at, and the other has a smokin’ body. I have been doing everything humanly possible to avoid physical contact with Mr. Smokin. It’s starting to be completely obvious. I’m not sure how long I can keep that up. There is definitely an awkward and uncomfortable conversation in the works between us. I’m all nerves about it. The tension is palpable. Mr. Pretty Teeth, on the other hand, has this air of calm and cool while still being a bit of a dork. It’s sweet. He has crossed the defensive boundary. We’ll see what he does with that privilege. He and I also share quite a few personality traits. Spending time with him feels very casual. That is hurting him as much as it’s helping him because of my experience with Secret Squirrel.

Call of the Wild

Contrary to what I already know about training and recovery, I went out to Era Art Bar for the Evolve party Friday night.  It is by far my favorite East Bay party.  It was a ball, as I expected it would be.  I have yet to go to that party and leave before the bar closes.  I intended to go with Legs and Twin Peaks, but they both bailed.  I got a flashback to my old night-prowling days.  At first I found it disturbing, but now I'm just amused.

I mentioned before that I've gone on a couple of dates recently.  Well, when it rains it pours.  Friday night, outside of Evolve, I finally got a moment alone with the man I've been crushing on for the past several months.  Get this, he's actually interested.  Then Killa B and B-Ry both show up - grreaaaaaat.  In my mind I thought, 'What the hell is going on here?'  But you know, never look a gift horse in the mouth.  Man, I love cliches.  Anyway, the evening came to an unusual climax when, while dancing on a practically empty floor to one of the last songs with this man that I've had my sights on for months, one of the regulars (who has never expressed anything other than friendship to me before) grabbed my wrist and spun me around to dance with him instead.  I wasn't sure how to react (mainly because I was a bit sauced), so instinct took over.  There was no way on Earth that I was going to let someone randomly step in and screw up the potential for my designs to come to fruition!  I leaned in and said, "Don't be jealous."  Then, I made my way back over to the object of my attention, not really caring who was watching or what anyone thought.  Even now, as far as I'm concerned, they can kiss my ass.  I never led anyone on.  There is just one man whom I've sought to become closer to.  The additional suitors are icing on the cake.  I blame pheromones.  Seriously, if I hadn't been on a couple of dates already, I'd still be in the friend zone.  Funny how that works.

I'm going to just be honest with everyone and try to be as nice as possible without being a sucker.  I don't see any need to make a choice because in these situations people tend to eliminate themselves naturally.

Oh and by the way, the drinking and staying out late Friday night made my run SUCK ASS on Sunday.  Twelve miles of misery, but I fucking did it.  I am ready for the Nike half next weekend.

wearing me down

Last Sunday I “ran” 11 miles from downtown Calistoga to the fire station bordering Calistoga and St. Helena and back. It felt really good. My knees have been a bit achy since then, and that experience hasn’t made my 3-mile morning runs any easier. Other than being able to say that I ran 11 miles, I don’t have much to show for it. I thought it would at the very least make me stronger in my morning runs. I don’t get it.


I’ve got ten more days til the Nike half. I am eager to get it behind me. I want to say I ran the whole thing and felt great afterwards. The goal is to do this without pain. I can struggle with my mind a bit, but I need to do this without injury or not at all.  So far so good.



I had a date last week. Yes, an actual date! Okay not a real date by Twin Peak’s standard, but I’m counting it. I have another one tomorrow – we’re bowling. At first I was really excited about it, but I’ve come to the realization that it’s not really that exciting. Normal people have lots of dates; I’m the only freak who hasn’t had any this year. Legs (f.k.a. OMB) asked me why not and I told him that, contrary to how much I flirt with men on a regular basis, I don’t really find many men attractive enough to pursue. Sure, there are some really hot guys out there and some who are even interested in me, but there has to be a spark. I don’t see a reason to date anyone without a t least a spark. I don’t date for practice. To me, that’s pointless. If you find someone you have good chemistry with, it’s okay to be a little awkward. I’d rather date a person who thinks I could be someone special as opposed to some guy just working the odds. I do realize that most men are the latter. It’s inevitable that I will have to run through a gauntlet of them before finding a match. The new guy, who hasn’t made enough of an impression to have a nickname yet, seems like a good match personality-wise. We like enough of the same things to have a good time out, but we have enough dissimilarity to run in different circles. I’m not looking for anything serious (although I would not completely opposed to the idea after an appropriate assessment period), but I would like some companionship… especially of the physical nature.



I’ve had a busy couple of weeks with one business or social commitment after the other. My fridge is full of leftovers that have been there so long that I won’t eat them. I haven’t eaten a meal at home in a week and a half. It’s getting on my damn nerves.



Well, I better go. Legs and I have a movie night on Wednesdays now. Come to think of it, we hang out a lot. I invited him to join me at the party on Friday too. Hmmm. Is he becoming a bestie?

Dancing in the Dark

The darkness of autumn mornings is making my training a challenge. I cannot bring myself to go out running alone more than a half hour prior to daybreak. I leave my apartment at 6:15, 15 minutes before first light, and return just before 7:00. That gives me just enough time to run to the lake, do the 3 mile loop, run back up to my place, stretch and have a recovery shake before I need to start getting ready for work. The distance I should be running is 5 miles, but there simply isn’t enough time in the morning for me to run that far before work… unless of course I can suddenly become twice as fast.


Speaking of becoming faster, I’ve started to incorporate some speed work. It happened by accident really. There was an older woman in front of me, who was just jogging slightly slower than me. I passed her and then got tired of hearing her footsteps behind me so I sped up. I thought she was going faster to keep up with me, but about a quarter mile later (after realizing that I was working far too hard to sustain that pace much longer) I looked back and realized it was a completely different person altogether. I chuckled a little to myself. I slowed and watched her pass, out of breath. Once I caught my breath, I wanted to try it again. This time, without the pressure of someone behind me, I felt free to just let it out and go twice as hard. It was great! I wasn’t sprinting, but my legs were happy and my body felt completely natural in the longer stride – save for the burning in my lungs. When I slowed after about a hundred meters, I found it very difficult to catch my breath again. I was afraid that I might have to walk to recover but mentally refused to let that happen. I probably could have finished the loop much faster if I’d taken that walk break, but I’m trying to build better cardiovascular fitness. Just like when I go out dancing and one of my favorite songs come on, I have to push through to the end of it no matter how much energy I blew in my initial frenzied excitement.

The Wildcat Canyon trail ride really helped to put things in perspective. My thighs burned so bad while climbing those hills that I think it may have increased my threshold for pain. I suffered so much that day. The fact that my companion barely broke a sweat was just irritating. After that experience I swore that I would incorporate hills into my daily commute, but I have yet to act on that thought. I’m considering hitting a hilly route home (more than just considering actually).

Today is day three of wearing the Five Finger shoe. Like many, Born to Run influenced me to give them a try. After noticing some runners wearing them as they whiz past me on my morning runs, I finally caved. I haven’t run in them yet because my toes are not very happy with them yet. My pinky toes are particularly upset with the shoes. The knuckles of those toes are very tender. The inside edges of my big toes are a bit sore as well. It’s weird to walk around with fabric between your toes all damn day. What is even stranger is that my toes are all developing a dislike for my regular shoes now. I might become one of those people who wear sandals all year long. Goddamn hippies.

the worlds keeps turning

Today was my second 6-mile morning run. It was very good. I improved my time by ten minutes, even including my stop at the grocery store for soymilk on the way back to my apartment. I was so shocked to read 7:11AM on the clock. I almost burst into song. I don’t think my neighbors would have appreciated it.


I made myself a recovery shake with some Clif Shot Vanilla Recovery powder, soymilk, ice cubes and a blender when I returned home. It was absolutely delicious! I also had that ‘this is exactly what my body wants right now’ feeling. There’s nothing quite like giving your body exactly what it needs. Although I have been running an average of an hour deficit in my sleep every night for the past week, I feel particularly strong today. It just occurred to me a little while ago that the recovery shake may have been the determining factor there. I’ve been told hundreds of times to consume protein within twenty minutes of a workout (up to an hour after the workout), especially one as taxing as this morning’s, but you know how it is – life gets in the way of us doing what we know is right. That doesn’t make it okay. I need to make sure that I take proper care of myself so I don’t get injured this time, like I did last year when I was training for the very same event. I think I hurt myself in 2006 while training for the Nike too. Annoying. It takes so stinkin’ long to recover from a knee or ankle injury that I don’t EVER want to go through that again. I’d gladly take an unscheduled rest day instead of hurting myself.

Speaking of unscheduled rest days, I had one yesterday. Stevil’s mom passed away on Sunday. Her body was discovered in her apartment on Monday, so Hula Girl and I went to go keep him company on Tuesday (after she got his text, which I hadn’t even realized existed until she was on her way to pick me up). He just needed some support. I am personally not very good at doing the whole emotional support thing. What I am good at is figuring out what needs to be done in stressful situations. Therefore, Tuesday was quite possibly the best day for me to be with him. Iris’ back window was busted out at the end of the night. I was lucky.

I had to bum a carpool ride to work the next morning since my bike was still at the office. When I got reayd to ride home yesterday, I discovered a tack in my front tire. I removed it, thinking that I could just replace the tube with the spare I keep in my bag. Well, I had emptied my bag in the Tuesday madness and forget to replace my bike supplies Wednesday morning. I had a nice unexpected walk to and from the train stations in the warm summer evening. I would have enjoyed it even more if it weren’t for me carrying the flat tire and a messenger bag full of groceries and then getting home a few minutes before 9PM. It’s difficult to rush yourself to sleep. I think I fell asleep around 11 – 11:30 and then was up before dawn at 5:30 AM for my morning run. I’m freakin’ exhausted.

One of the trainers fixed my flat after our company meeting this morning and another relocated my taillight so I can now store my toolkit under the seat. I said, “What would I do without all these helpful people?”

J-Racer commented, “It’s not you I would worry about.” We then went into a brief conversation about spoiled people. He said, “If you depend too much on other people to give you what you want, you’re setting yourself for the possibility of being disappointed.”

“You’re setting yourself up for inevitable disappointment.” I corrected him. It’s true. You are the only person you can truly count on, and we humans occasionally fail ourselves as well. It’s not a big deal. There’s no need to emotionally attach ourselves so strongly to any particular outcome. I’d rather spend my life enjoying it moment to moment than to be constantly pissed off about something that didn’t go my way or worried about what is going to happen in the future.

What I am emotionally attached to right at this moment is going home and getting in bed early, universe willing.

Feed the Hungry

I was hoping for some action in my love life before mom goes home to the Philippines to build her retirement home and I move back into the old house here.  When that happens, I probably won't have any energy for dating during the first month or so (maybe longer).  My bike commute mileage will more than double to 17 miles each way and I'll have a bunch of home improvement projects to complete before the place is presentable for entertaining.  

If anything exciting were to happen, I am not even certain who it would be with.  I'm not in the mood to play the game with anyone lately because of the training. I just added the 2nd lap to my 3x weekly morning runs, bringing it to just over 6 miles. Unfortunately it slowed my average speed down to 13 minutes per mile, but I'll get faster over the next few weeks. The post-run upset stomach has returned, but that should clear up soon too... I hope.

I'm now entering my eighth month of abstinence and I am truly OVER IT. My body is sending out all these signals, but I have no idea where to direct them. I'd like to suppress the desires and control the physical cues, which is normally relatively easy for me to do.  Lately, though, I feel like there's  a "Vacancy" sign on my forehead.  I've been receiving some brazen propositions.   Some of them from the past weekend's party were rather uncouth.  Upon waking the next morning, I recounted the previous evening's occurrences in my head and laughed out loud.  I am convinced that there must be something I am doing differently. I have yet to determine whether I can use this to my advantage or if I'm just a passenger on this ride.

The temporary suspension of partying looms closely before me. I won't be able to stay up late anymore after another week or so of this training. Even now my eyes are burning and eyelids heavy at just 10:30 PM. In the morning I must get out of the house before dawn to do my new longer run and still get to work at a reasonable hour. Oh yeah, and my bike tire had a flat so I left the frame at work. I've got to find some other non-car method of getting to the office tomorrow...

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