Spring Sick Day #2

I missed the entire day yesterday, doped up with cold medicine. Today I feel much better but still too many crud symptoms to be in the office. As always, I have a sore and scratchy throat. I made some spicy noodle soup earlier and shared it with my brother, who is also home sick. It was almost too spicy. It hit the spot.

Yesterday I had a fever. The meds put me out must of the day and I sweated through my clothes a couple of times. I went for a hike on Mt Diablo with the Shasta climb group on Sunday. It rained and hailed, and the wind was freezing. I was ill-prepared. It's no surprise that I got sick.

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and now we get along...

Once in a while I realize that things don’t get me down like they used to. This is the one thing I am most thankful for. As a teen and young adult, I made many unsuccessful attempts at taking my own life and adopted some dangerous hobbies. Some might say that I really had no intention of really ending it, and that all I really wanted was attention. I suppose that was true. I wanted people to know how miserable life was. I wanted to make a dark and dramatic statement about the degradation of society and deteriorating family values. It all began when we stopped eating meals together at the table. We grew further and further apart. Suddenly, everyone was on their own. There was a vast, impassable distance between every member of my family. I could be allies with only one, and I had to choose. They made that absolutely clear. I sided with my father - the only person in our family who believed in me and told me so.  He was the first one to pass on, leaving those of us who remained bitter, hurt and isolated. We fought like injured, cornered wild animals. Most people would have left. Save yourself! I had that thought many times. I’m not entirely sure why I stayed. It could have been guilt (thanks Catholicism). I didn’t want to create another vacuum with my absence. The one my dad left was painful enough. They were sure to compare us yet again if I fled. I was, after all, just like him – so they say. Apparently a family resemblance was something to be ashamed of. We were kind of screwed up in that way.  I think that I just needed them.  Sure, they were mean, nasty and judgmental, but they were my family.  I couldn't make them supportive, but I could stay here and wait it out.  I thought I was waiting for them to change, but I was really just waiting to feel comfortable and stable enough inside myself to be able to stand up to their criticisms.  I would never receive their praise because it didn't exist.  They weren't really being mean; they just didn't know how to be nice.  The road of trial and error I had to travel to finally reach that realization was really really rough.  I made it though.  Yup, I made it.

if I could do it over

Today's question swirling around in my mind is, "When you see someone in tireless pursuit of their dream, how does that make you feel?"


In that first instant I am filled with joy, but when the moment passes there are so many other emotions fighting each other inside me. I think back to dreams I had as a young person and wonder what they could have become. I am nostalgic. I miss feeling hopeful about the future. I get angry because there are so many people in the world who want others to fail so they can feel better about themselves. I feel upset because I burned so many bridges, most of them unintentional. Then I wonder how today’s young people are faring. So much responsibility is on their shoulders. They seem to have even less time than we did to get things right.

After all that, I look around at the people I surround myself with and I am content. I wake up every day happy to be alive. I feel love around me. Can there really be much else to want? Sometimes I wonder if that makes me lazy. I guess today was one of those “sometimes” days. When I was young, I felt that way every day. There is so much pressure in youth.

switch

How many times must I attempt to write a blog before I finally do it?


Let’s see. Where should I start? Mom is visiting from the Philippines for another 2-3 weeks. My brother and sister-in-law now live in the house with me - read: 3 sets of bedroom furniture in just 2 bedrooms. I’m unattached (again). I’ve lost almost 10 lbs without really trying. I’ve gone back to clubbing on the weekends full time. I’m also gambling again. I think that pretty much sums it up.

I attended mountaineering school at Shasta about a month ago. It was cold. There was about 5 feet of fresh powder on the mountain during our class. I spent the following weekend at Squaw in similar conditions. I burned a full day’s worth of calories 15 minutes into my first run by falling into a snowhole off the groomed trail – lesson learned. By the time I realized that I was going to have to unstrap my board, I had no ego left to bruise. I licked my wounds with a spa package that afternoon and rounded out the night with booze and Nintendo. Not bad for a birthday weekend, eh? I have some new snow gear and a renewed respect for the mountain. I’d like to go back again, but this weekend is the end of ski season and I haven’t made any plans to get up there. I wish I lived closer to Tahoe. Maybe I should attempt a day trip on Friday. Let’s keep that on the backburner in case the shooting range date doesn’t work out… Yes, I have a shooting date on Friday.

I had a kickass workout last Thursday. My Shasta climb teammates weren’t feeling it so I showed up for the hour alone and slightly intimidated. The Terminator was really excited, and that just made me more nervous. I warmed up with 5 sets of stairs. Then platform jumps – It was about 3.5 ft platform because I wasn’t confident enough to do 4’. She told me that I could get a running start if I wanted, but that’s cheating. We’ll work up to 4 feet. Doing platform jumps makes me feel a little bit like a circus animal. I’m the only female here who can do them. It’s nice to hear the oohs and ahs once in a while, but having the trainers go, “hey everybody watch this” is just kinda weird. Platform jumps, kettle bell walking lunges and pushups on the ball (right hand, left hand then both hands) were one circuit. Then I pushed the punching bag up and down the hallway for 6 round trips, more ball pushups, pull-up bar hangs, another set of platform jumps and cool down with another 5 sets of stairs. That’s 50 minutes.

I caught the Martial Arts demos at CalAcademy Nightlife and then headed over to PST at Eve later that night. It was so boring! I kept drinking Red Bull, waiting for wings that never came. When I got home at 2AM, I was tired and wired. I woke up every 15-30 minutes until my alarm went off. Needless to say, my Friday night plans were completely ruined.  I woke up on Friday feeling like hell and somehow managed to drag my ass to work and back.  It was a miracle.

I got some Shimano SPD pedals and Pearl Izumi mtb shoes, which I had planned on taking for their first ride on Friday night for Roll Deep: a celebration of the art and style of the bicycle (the ride followed by the party). I suppose it was for the best that I didn’t go. I ended up needing a second tightening of the shoe clips after about a half hour on the bike. I took her out on Saturday and made a childish ass of myself riding through the hood yelling, “Wheeeeeee!” It’s the little things sometimes.

As for this being single again business, there’s really no story behind it. We had a good run. Hopefully I’ll meet someone new soon. Until then I’ll just entertain myself the same as always. As you were…

Sometimes the biggest challenge is getting over yourself

I've been terribly preoccupied, and it is souring everything. I've spent a lot of time in the gym. However, that is just an escape.

I'm annoyed.

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adaptations

I picked a new loop today. It was a particularly dark morning, so I decided to go into the office first. Once there I got wrapped up in emails and such. I intended on doing the lake loop twice when I got up this morning, so I talked myself into crossing the pedestrian bridge over highway 80 and ran out to the Berkeley Marina before heading back. About a mile and a half before the end, the rain started to pour, then hail. I got back to the office drenched and feeling pretty chilled. Thankfully my gear is moisture wicking, so I may still get away with it sans a sniffle.


Yesterday’s Power Hour (our Tuesday personal training hour) included 5 sets of 15 pushups. We have about 30 seconds of rest in between sets. My second to last set of pushups was 10 reps. My last set was 4. I could barely hold my water bottle up to refill it at the filter machine after that. Today my chest, shoulders and armpits are super sore. Yoga was humbling.

I also had a check-in with our specialty trainer, The Sage, at lunchtime. He is educated in so many restorative methods that I would trust him to assess and heal an injury before I’d even consider visiting a doctor. I had a special issue for him today. Since I’ve been receiving bodywork on a regular basis, I have a consistent reminder of how tight my IT bands get. I’ve been really good at rolling them on a regular basis and stretching well after every run. Recently they’ve begun to move away from the roller when I get to the “money spots”, where the biggest and tightest knots live. I can feel myself getting close, so I slow down and focus on relaxing the leg on the roller so I can get deep into it. Then, just when I’m about to strike gold, the IT band jumps over and pops out on the other side of the roller, completely avoiding any pressure. I went in for my weekly bodywork session with my Yogi yesterday, and she told me that she didn’t think it was making any difference. Something else is out of balance and needs to be addressed before any progress can be made. The Sage didn’t disappoint. He gave me some homework that I can do on my own for helping to loosen some stuff around the hips and strengthen the smaller muscles around the knee, the gluteus medius, lower abs and lower back. How can a person be tight in the hips but weak in the lower abs? You got me. I’ll do the exercises for a couple of weeks and go back for another assessment.

As is normally the case when recovering from a hard workout, my muscle soreness and fatigue go hand in hand. I’m supposed to meet an ex to catch up over dinner, but I’ll probably end up sitting with him for one drink and then bowing out early. We shall see.

Whoa Nelly!

I went on my first long run of the season yesterday – 2 weeks late according to the training schedule. It wasn’t all that great either. During lap #2 around Lake Merritt, a college track team slowly lapped me and started doing some hill suicides in front of me. I spent the majority of that run dodging loud, chatty women and here was a huge chattering group with a coach running back and forth yelling at them.




The last few weeks of exhaustion have finally caught up to me at the office. Many of my project timelines are rushed or overdue. There’s also the looming $6000 minimum I have to make in fundraising for the Shasta climb by the time we leave in June. It has me super stressed. I jolted awake at 5AM this morning and 6AM yesterday morning, haunted by fundraising details that still need to be confirmed and so much uncertainty about where things are going to fall. The training helps to keep me grounded, providing a pretty good outlet for my nervous energy. Even with that, I still long for some solid dates and plans to be set. There are three of us on the team here. We must raise $18,000. I have no idea how to do that. I’m trying not to feel overwhelmed. I’m not sure how good of a job I am doing, considering how behind I am in my work. I need help, literally. I’d like to ask someone, but at this point I’m not sure who to ask.

What I do know for certain is that shit has to change RIGHT NOW. I can’t have my life upside-down and my affairs in such disarray. I’ve got to get a handle on all this.