I am not my pain.

Since I started journaling regularly again, I find the lines of personal and public writing a bit blurred. Instead of fighting it, I thought this morning, maybe I should embrace the colliding of these worlds.


A friend from high school asked if I would attend our 20-year reunion. I have a lot of anxiety around reunions because I was such a train wreck back then. The whirlwind of sexual exploits and alcohol abuse that filled those years is something distant, as though it was a story I read instead of my actual life. I was so young, angry and full of pain. I hated the life and experiences that made me. I wanted to drink it away, fuck it away, whatever. I wanted my life to disappear and just leave me empty; I was certain that would be better than the reality of what I felt. I had so many overwhelming emotions and so little support. I couldn’t trust. I was like a small, frightened wild animal – I attacked anyone who tried to help me. It was a mess. This is why I have no children. I couldn’t bear the thought of bringing another life into this world to relive that whole cycle all over again, and I had no idea how to stop it except to make myself the end of the line. It ends with me… or so I assumed. It didn’t occur to me that there are hordes of others just like me all over the world, struggling to feel like a whole person and to accept themselves as a human beings deserving of love and happiness. Although we feel alone, there are so many of us.

Through the really hard work, going to therapy to try and remember some of the experiences I blocked out and confronting my abusers, I trusted my therapist. It was the first time I felt like I wasn’t being judged for what happened to me. Revealing everything I could remember was a hugely liberating experience. I still had hang-ups with my family and falling back into those same old roles when we were together, but I was making progress. I had a safe space to really figure out how I felt. I didn’t have to be concerned with how my voice would affect other people. It isn’t my responsibility to protect the reputation of the person who wronged me, no matter who they are. Once I realized that, everything else began to change for the better.

I was estranged from my family for a while, as would be expected. There was some disbelief at first, of course, but I wasn’t swayed from my path. I didn’t need them to acknowledge what happened to me, I just needed to tell them. I knew they wouldn’t be very supportive.

The final peg clicked into its hole when I took my mom and brother to therapy with me individually. They had completely opposite reactions. My mother became stoic and uncooperative, my brother opened up in a way that I’d never seen before. Upon observing and hearing them, I realized that they were as screwed up as I was – maybe even worse since I was open and ready to change. My selfishness and complete disregard for them waned. They were people too, with pain they weren’t ready to deal with yet. I had to respect that. At least they came. They loved me that much.

I’m not sure where we are as a family unit these days. I suppose we’re in transition. Our roles are no longer clear. I’m okay with it. I talk to my brother a lot – a complete 180 from how we were as kids. Our mom, well, I think she’s running. I don’t know what happened to her, but whatever it was she doesn’t want to revisit it again, ever. She’s an old woman now. She has earned the right to spend her remaining years doing whatever she chooses… except for telling me what to do. We’re still working on that part.

Breathing and Inner Peace

When I'm nervous or upset, my breath gets shallow.  I may even hold it.  During my meeting with a lifecoach yesterday, every time we talked about something I found intimidating she had to remind me to breathe.  It's not uncommon.  Most people rarely use their full breathing capacity (except maybe during strenuous exercise), and it's even more rare to witness a person under extreme stress pausing to take a breath.  Can you imagine how many terrible decisions we could all avoid if we just took a moment to breathe before acting or reacting to something?

I was such an angry young person - always just one piece of unpleasant news away from a complete meltdown. Those meltdowns became all-encompassing fits of rage. They got so bad at one point that I completely blacked out, emerging on the other side of an episode without any recollection of what I had done. After that happened, I ran. I avoided situations and people who caused me distress because I didn’t want to lose control again. I was afraid of what might happen. I was afraid of what the consequences would be. I was afraid of myself. I lived with that fear through my twenties. It wasn’t until I took my sabbatical at age 34, when I traveled alone to Thailand to spend two weeks in silence with the mountain monks, that I really became acquainted with my true, centered self. 

Since that trip, I've held fast to the belief that most of us are perfectly capable of creating balance and happiness in our lives if we just SHUT UP AND BE STILL for a damn minute.  If it's not life or death, there's no need to immediately jump into action.  It's important to give ourselves time and space to feel whatever we feel without judgment.

So... My lifecoaching homework (layering on my existing assignment to rebuild my morning and evening meditation practices in 5-minute intervals every week - I'm up to 15 minutes now) is to notice my breathing.  Whenever anything exciting happens, I pause and return to my breathing, making sure it is even and relaxed.  I have some pretty exciting activities planned, so it should be interesting.

Reading for the New World Order

A friend, whom I have known many many years, likes to refer to me as "one of those New World Order people".  It sounds like an elitist group, but that's not what he means.  Anyone who isn't in denial of the state of our world knows that change is happening.  The question is whether or not this change means the evolution of man or its extinction.  I prefer to believe there is still a chance for evolution.

Several months ago, en route to one of my weekend benders in SoCal, I saw a book at the airport bookstore that I wanted to read. I knew that I couldn’t realistically expect to read it during my trip or anytime soon afterwards, so I added it to my “to read” list on my smartphone. Recently, while browsing audiobooks online, I stumbled upon the title again. I still wasn’t ready for it, so I added it to my wish list. Three weeks ago I downloaded it. I listened to it in the car during my commute, and it couldn’t have come at a better time. Then again, I suppose I made the decision to start it when I was ready. “Reinventing the Body, Resurrecting the Soul” by Deepak Chopra has was an eye-opening and refreshing break from the boring recordings I’ve been listening to about discipline, motivation and organization. It centered me.

Buy it from Amazon or Audible

 

What's funny is that I was drawn to this book because of the body image issues.  Listening to it took me out of that frame of mind and into a healthier and more productive one.  This book guides you to look at the bigger picture.  The issue you may have with your body, job, family, relationship or whatever seems to be "holding you back" is the ego trying to disconnect you from the truth.

A person's relationship with their body is a very intimate and revealing one.  It is the best and most honest friend you will ever have.  The body gives cues to let you know when something is out of balance, physically and/or emotionally.  To ignore these cues is to live in a state of denial.  You (the true you) are conscious, independent from the names, titles and labels. It is the consciousness that recognizes the signals your body sends, thoughts in your mind and your ego. Once you are solid in that knowledge, suffering no longer exists.  This brings to mind a common saying from the Baptist and Evangelical religions, "Let go and Let God."  You cannot change the present, so fighting what already exists is just pointless struggle.  To accept what is present, which doesn't mean to condone it but only to acknowlegd that it is here, is the end of suffering. Once you've shed the shallow concerns of ego (vanity, greed, envy and the other "deadly sins", you make room for evolution.  This space is not emptiness; it is purity and potential.  Anything action you take from this place of purity feels right, no matter how challenging it is.  You find that people help you, things fall into place without much effort and your worries lessen.  The real work is keeping yourself in this space.