The past month has been very challenging. I’m beginning to feel things turn around now. I suppose the change is mostly in my perspective though. My closest friend at work and my closest friend at home have both moved on to their new lives with grace. I. on the other hand, feel stuck. I’ve stopped doing the things that make me happy: writing, reading, working out, dancing. I’ve fallen into gambling, binge drinking/eating, isolation, laziness and just all around moodiness. I would consider myself a functional depressed person in comparison to most people, but I’m a far cry from what a happy me looks like.
I have moments of clarity, when I consider picking my yoga and meditation practices back up again, but I somehow talk myself out of it. I know how to get out of this funk, but I just haven’t done it. I guess this is how people feel when they’re depressed? I attempted to go to Kaiser for therapy. I threw myself into their hamster wheel, convinced that all the hoop-jumping would eventually pay off. In the end they stuck me with a woman who was so frail and afraid that I pitied her. I felt like I should be the one holding the pen and clipboard. Her persistent haranguing voicemail messages fell on deaf ears. There was no way that woman was going to help talk anybody out of a rut unless she was the punishment for staying in it. Poor thing.
It’s not just me. Of course it never is, but I’m completely self-absorbed. I’ve noticed some of my coworkers withdrawing. I don’t have much opportunity to observe anyone else since I don’t go out anymore unless someone threatens to come to my house. I hosted a video game party at the office last week, and many of us were more tipsy than we’d been in each other’s presence in years, YEARS! We needed some fun so badly that I’ve been asked to host another one in 2 weeks. Although I am excited about it, I have to remind myself of how to share my toys.
