Sunday, May 29, 2016

It's all part of my master plan

Humor me for a moment.

If souls choose their parents and their next life, what did I see in this one that made it so appealing? As a being of pure energy without a physical body, perhaps I took the linear timeline of this existence and its outcome as a package deal. Why?

I often feel like there are some people I love so deeply that our friendship could transcend lifetimes, but could that be reason enough? Okay, even as I wrote that question I totally believed it. Maybe I chose this life to be close to the ones I love. Suffering would be irrelevant. 

After my father died, I wondered how many years I'd have to live without him. How long would it take me to find him again? Will he be back during this lifetime in another form, or will I need to go looking for him on my next go round? I was certain that the few years we had together couldn't be all there was between us. The older I get, the more I start to believe that maybe that was it. That's all. So... if I knew that I would only get a few years with a person I loved more than life itself, would I still choose this life? 

Yes. Yes, I believe I would.

Saturday, May 21, 2016

Ray of Light

My calves are tight and my knees are creaky. I danced until I feared I might injure myself. My legs are exhausted, and I'm delighted by it.

I haven't gone to a party yet, but I played xbox for a couple of hours yesterday and almost three hours this morning. I'm not going to push myself to also try to socialize. I think what I need right now is baby steps.

Saturday, May 14, 2016

I know this much is true

Visitations from ghosts of the past in my dreams lately. Old, buried emotions stirred up. It feels like I never forgave anything, and I'm just going through life carrying all that shit on my back. Maybe I didn't know how to forgive. Maybe I still don't. What I do know for certain is that I have been calling it by the wrong name. I've been "protecting myself out of caution based on past experiences". NOPE. What I really do is withdraw in fear when I take a risk that ends in failure and pain. I'm not resilient in a way that easily bounces back with a smile, although it might appear that way. I have dreams and desires that refuse to be extinguished. They make me fucking miserable. There can be no peace unless they are satisfied. My mind is only quieted by working my ass off in pursuit of some chance. It's a crazy way to live.

I once loved with my whole heart. Every time it was broken, I closed part of it off. I didn't know how to stop the pain and I had no productive method of coping. After reaching a point of desperation, I just shut it off. It worked, so I kept doing it. Now I allow myself to feel so little. Why? I don't want anyone's pity. I hate to see it in someone's eyes. I thought that I must be a freak to feel things so deeply. People can't love that intensely. It's too scary. They always run away when they get in too deep. So why even bother to love at all? There must be a lucky few out there who have found someone who pulls them in closer when things get scary. I'm happy for them. I don't envy them because I tried my best. Maybe it just wasn't meant for me. Maybe I wasn't ready. Maybe I'm still not ready.

I wish I was one of those people who turns pain into productivity, who becomes more motivated with each failure. I'd like to immerse myself in creating a new project instead of wallowing.

Monday, May 9, 2016

Up and around again

I stubbed another toe on my left foot. This time it was the baby toe, and I'm pretty sure it's not broken. I still think that I fractured the middle one when I stubbed it. It took forever for the swelling, pain and color to diminish. This time the pain improved after a few days of limping. Today, day four, I felt like the toenail might be disconnected although I've kept it wrapped in a bandage. So, after the morning's errands and an hour or so of elevating it, I decided to take a closer look.

There is just a bit of redness on the inner edge of the knuckle and it only aches when I apply pressure. The wound, which I super glued closed before applying the first bandage, wept for three days. On the second day I began cleaning it regularly with my custom skin toner mix (witch hazel, hydrogen peroxide, lemon, tea tree, lavender, rose hip, sweet orange and calendula oils). When I applied it this afternoon, I saw that the glue was starting to peel. I also saw that the toenail was barely holding on, so I took out my cotton swabs, gauze and cuticle nippers, put on my glasses and got to work. It was a bloody process, but the gross, crusty infection that threatened to take hold on day two had no chance against oil magic. Once the partially disconnected toenail was sufficiently moistened with the toner blend, I could see the areas where it was still secured to the toe. I carefully snipped around them with the nippers until the nail bed was exposed. Blood. Gauze and pressure. Clean up with toner. More blood. More gauze and pressure.

Eventually I was able to trim off the remaining pieces of separated toenail from the cuticle and stop the bleeding. I let the raw skin breathe for a few minutes before applying coconut oil, new gauze and a bandage. No more limping! Yea!

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Sifting through the dogpile

Every time I open the mail there's an overdue bill. Some of which haven't been paid in quite some time. Fees. Fees. Fees. This household needs more income. Even if I can get mom into the adult day care, it won't be enough. I don't know how to make the amount of money needed to get this house back in the black while caring for my mother.