It has been a really long time since I gave this blog any thought at all. I happened across the link in my Yelp profile during an update. Reading through my last few entries, I felt a weight start to drag me down. I was struggling with terrible depression when I wrote them. Under the circumstances, depression was unavoidable. In the years that followed, I continued to struggle through the financial implications of having little to no income for so long. I applied to two companies that were doing mass recruiting. They both were in the process of hiring me (Amazon was actually a previous employer, so I was a re-hire), but Tesla's recruiting staff were faster and more efficient. Almost 4 years later, I am still there and working on a team that is the pinnacle of diversity in a role that feels like it was created to help me grow.
Tesla is a small, scrappy company in comparison to its competitors. In that way, it reminds me a lot of CB&C. It is nimble and reactive in a way that the bigger and more established auto manufacturers cannot be. It can be exciting but stressful. I am a member of one the many maintenance teams keeping the factory running. The work isn't glamorous, but it is important to the business. Typically the production staff gets recognized when the numbers are good. As my crew's shepherd, I do my best to provide praise, encouragement and a nice team dinner once in a while. Our department head also chimes in with rallying announcements every quarter. It's toughest on those who seek recognition when we blend into the background, but that's really the essence of our job. We aren't meant to be seen. The evidence of our efforts is invisible when the expectation is for things to operate normally. Tesla as a whole is a very unique place to work. There are many elements of the company (limited only to the automotive portion) that I find confusing. That's probably all I am at liberty to say.
I was lucky (or it was kismet) to have landed here after such a traumatic and spiritually trying time. In the beginning, I was a grunt and I loved it. I could zone out and just work. All the ugliness and sadness in my mind and heart was suspended while I worked my ass off, and I got back home exhausted every morning. No time to concern myself with the darkness. I was pretty much ruined financially, and the little chump change I made was just a drop in the bucket. When I got the creditors to a point where they weren't harassing me anymore, franchise tax board started garnishing my check. I worked with one of their agents and negotiated a more manageable deal until I defaulted. When the agent called to ask me what happened, I told him that I would have to call him back once I had a place to live. During the time when I was technically homeless, a coworker and his wife put me up in the guest room of their family home. They wouldn't accept any money for rent - angels in real life. A couple of months later, I found a room to rent in the valley. It was a really really really long commute, but it was all I could afford at the time. How I managed to keep a positive attitude through all that is a mysterious and wonderful miracle. I crossed paths with some very supportive people who gave me the push I needed to keep going and cheered me on when I felt like I was too tired.
After receiving a promotion that served to slingshot me up into the kind of financial independence I had before mom's decline, I breathed a huge sigh of relief. That was a little over a year ago. The plant shut down just as I was moving all my stuff. After we went back to work, I had a few magical months of setting up my new digs to reflect the things that make me feel at home. Now I'm paying back taxes again, but I don't mind. I have a really small but safe and comfy apartment and everything I need to live. When I asked my boss for the days off to move (prior to the pandemic shutdown announcement), he joked that I needed to move up to better digs since I was in "management". When I told him that I'd been homeless and rented the room so far away out of necessity in a desperate situation, he was shocked. He didn't understand why I'd never shared my situation with him, and I said that it wasn't his job to manage my personal life. As my manager and mentor, I counted on him to guide me professionally. The rest, I said, was my responsibility. I also felt very accomplished that I'd gone through all that struggle without letting my work suffer. It's true that I practically treated work as a vice during the worst of times, but it turned out to be the healthiest option available. I needed to fix me: my finances, my home, my heart. I focused on fixing equipment, and I managed to fix parts of myself along the way. Win-Win.
I'm still a work in progress of course. I have this weird dysfunctional relationship with money that I think I inherited from my parents. They both turned to unhealthy money habits when they were unhappy: gambling, shopping, compulsive debting. Yup, I have all that. However, recognizing that I suffer from those tendencies makes it a lot easier to resist them. I still buy myself something nice when I feel sad and occasionally gamble when I'm bored, but I actually enjoy those activities now. There's a big difference in compulsive debting to escape reality and treating yourself to something nice or fun. The absolutely best part is being able to buy something I really want after waiting until I have the money together to make it happen instead of just buying random stuff all the time and keeping the bank account empty. I got a bike that I loooooove and ride as much as possible. I love her more than people, and I am not exaggerating. Wait, no. The BEST part is not being afraid of getting my card declined. I know exactly how much money I have in every account (and every account has money in it). There aren't any nasty surprises at the register and my rent is paid on time. I am truly grateful for how things are turning out, and I don't have to remember too far back to see the evidence of just how fortunate I am.
I tell people that I love them now. Sometimes the words feel weird and get caught in my throat, but I'm working on that.
