Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Get Over It

I’ve been thinking a lot about compassion.  I’ve met with a life coach a few times, and the thing we focus on most is having compassion for one’s self.   I can’t be the only person who is so self critical that it’s hard to get anything done.  This type of immobilizing perfectionism is a common manifestation of OCD.  So is social anxiety.  They go hand in hand – we worry that we’ll do something embarrassing, our clothing isn’t acceptable or appropriate, yadda yadda yadda.  Some of the worst cases of couch potatoes are actually people with terrible OCD.  My mother has severe social anxiety.  I often had to take her on errands first and then make it seem like we were just making another routine stop at a social outing.  She always had fun once she relaxed a bit, but it was like pulling teeth to get her out every time.

I used to have anxiety attacks.  Most of these happened when I was going through therapy.  Bringing ugly things to light is already difficult, and the perfectionist wants to analyze everything.  How did this happen?  Why?  What did I do to prompt the events?  Mind you, a child is never responsible for a wrong done to them by an adult.  Regardless of knowing this fact, I still felt that I was to blame in some way.

I think that everyone has some unhealthy thought pattern.  There are women who starve themselves practically to death trying to look beautiful.  There are men and women who work every waking hour until their inevitable breakdown because they equate money with happiness.  Everyone has something.  Without the proper nurturing environment, we have difficulty figuring out which thoughts are appropriate to act on.  In many cases, it’s no one’s fault.  We’re all humans trying to find our way.  A parent can’t tailor their parenting style to address their child’s future issues.  We can’t foresee how we will hurt someone’s feelings.  I don’t think there are many people who intentionally hurt others.  I used to think so until I realized that I was doing it.  When all you allow yourself to feel is pain, that’s all you can give to other people.

So… why is it so difficult to just get over it?  Just get over it.  I sat this to myself ALL THE TIME.  Just get over it and move on.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

see ya later

I started this blog entry on December 6th. I originally titled it “Dream Killers - liars and hypocrites”. Today I watched the Lifeclass on Energy, and the portion about Energy Suckers really hit home. I've been holding on to certain relationships in my life that serve no purpose other than to drag me down.

I try really hard to remain friends with people who have known me since I was a child. In many ways I am still a child. I mean, I don’t feel emotionally mature in several ways. I still have hope that fairytales can be real. I still believe that there is goodness in everyone. I like to track how we all grow up and compare notes with those have witnessed my struggles and had similar experiences. I like to sit with my old friends and just be still, satisfied with the people we have become. I like to crack those old inside jokes. I like to communicate without speaking, with just a glance. I like to maintain connections because I believe they are valuable to me. Every connection has value. Every person has value.

I'm convinced that everyone deserves another chance to make amends, no matter what they did to hurt you. Maybe that person wasn’t really aware of their effect. As I mature, I notice that most people don’t realize the power of their influence because they’re preoccupied with their own inner turmoil. I empathize. Every long term involvement I’ve ever had has been a “project”. I wanted to fix people. Basically, I thought that helping other people was going to help me fix myself. Now that I realize that there is nothing wrong with me (at least not more than anyone else), I’m not willing to put up with the bullshit anymore. You will either change the thing that is making you unhappy, you’ll stop bitching about it or you’ll find a different “friend” to agree with you. I have empowered myself with the most powerful word ever – NO. I’m not taking it anymore. Done.

The past has shaped who I am. I am tough and beautiful. I am strong. I have come through a lot of mess to get here, so I can recognize bullshit very well when I see it. I earned the happiness I enjoy with blood, sweat and tears. I’ve blamed myself, gone through therapy, confronted my aggressors, and aired my dirty laundry. I acted a damn fool and showed my ass. I lost it. I regained it. I lived in a vagrant hotel with prostitutes as neighbors. I lived in a stunning Victorian and wore suits to work every morning. I rolled up into the fetal position and cried myself to sleep on the kitchen floor. I tried to cover a black eye with foundation and eye shadow. I was the annoying and embarrassing drunk chick at the party. I got into the car with a stranger. I woke up in a strange place and couldn’t recall how in the hell I got there. Yes, all of that. I’ve done all of that and more. Hell, I’ve done some shit I probably won’t remember until I’m so old that the retelling will be adorable. I don’t have the power to change any of that. I can only control what I do right now, in this moment. “There’s only this.” And this, my friends, is absolutely wonderful. I am fortunate in so many ways. First, and foremost, I lived to see this day after all that madness in my youth. I’m healthy and happy… it’s nothing short of miraculous. I am thankful for this every day.

I really don’t have the time or desire to keep rehashing the past and revisiting past hurts. It’s pointless. I do have people in my life who are still stuck there. There’s something that people who live deep in that frame of mind do; They try to convince you that whatever you are doing is wrong (because you’re happy and they’re not). They don’t know what they’re doing. I’m sure because I have been there. I have been miserable. I have been the helpless victim. It’s a very dark place that is hard to escape from, and you can’t help anyone escape until they are ready. They are angry at themselves for letting shit happen (even things that they had no control over). They are in pain, reliving a series of hurtful events over and over again in their minds. It takes time to get over that. Some people need more time than others. It probably takes longer to heal deeper wounds – it’s all subjective. Some people never heal and live their entire lives in misery, never forgiving themselves for things they couldn’t have done any differently. Seriously, there isn’t much capacity for logical thinking under that type of duress. You do and say stupid things. You hurt the people who love you and burn bridges that you end up needing to rebuild later. It’s not pretty. Then, to top it all off, when you do manage to break yourself free from the cycle, you realize how much damage you’ve caused and then start to feel guilty all over again.

Well, I’m done with that. Right now all I have holding me back is fear. Little by little, I gain strength and drive to do the things I am afraid of. I surround myself with supportive and like-minded people. I have to leave some folks out. I suppose that’s unavoidable. I hope we catch up later.  We'll see.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Oprah, girl, I still love you.

Listening to the news this morning, I was trying to figure out a way to help a church whose food and gifts for needy families had all been stolen. I am not a religious person, nor do I have any desire to subscribe to any of these beliefs. I want to help because I am a human being. I recognize the need to help others and receive help from others. I appreciate the strength of community. It makes me feel good to be part of something positive.


When I got into the office, I checked Facebook as I often do. One of my FB friends posted a Christian Oprah-bashing Youtube video, in which Oprah spoke about how Eckhart Tolle’s book, A New Earth affected her so deeply that she had to rethink her spirituality. The multitude of comments that followed were ridiculous. Some even went as far as accusing her of being one of the devil’s minions. I wanted to throw in my two cents and announce that I too am I a progressive thinker and Oprah is a one of the celebrities I most respect. I knew that would only serve to turn the crown against me as an easier and closer target. I opted instead to explain that many people have spiritual transitions. What people say or believe during their transitions is not important; what matters is that people are good and do good. The response to my comment was like “Yeah yeah that’s nice, but she’s gonna burn in Hell for denying Jesus Christ.” No, people, she won’t. Ignorance that is the stifling hell you already live in. If you’re too egotistical to even take the time to learn about other religions and spiritual practices, then you’re already damning yourself. Furthermore, everyone on the comment thread is Black! We already have so many social issues to face as a race, and here we are putting more separation between ourselves. AND for what?!?!?!? The bible has been written and rewritten by men who sought to control the masses, and it continues to be interpreted in a multitude of ways by men who still seek to gain power. Yet some hold those rules above logic and above our ability to innately determine what is right based on our values. It’s embarrassing!

This also brings me back to the concept of dream-killers. People are so envious of success. Wealthy people face the same spiritual and relationship challenges as poor people. Why is it so hard to believe that a woman as successful and respected as Oprah could say (and mean) something controversial? She, too, is just learning her way like the rest of us. I have a feeling that many of her harshest critics aren’t even pursuing the path to enlightenment in any manner (traditional or progressive). Why is it so easy to judge other people and so difficult to see ourselves as we truly are?

It pisses me off that there are so many people who are just looking and waiting for the opportunity to say something negative about other people. I don’t want to be associated with any of them. Life has enough challenges.

Monday, November 28, 2011

my life in the sunshine

I’m well overdue for a philosophical ramble. Thanksgiving seems like the appropriate time. I spent the holidays down in SoCal with Twin Peaks’ sister, brother-in-law, cousins, nephews, mother and grandfather. There were 30 people for Thanksgiving dinner. A few of us were overwhelmed by the atmosphere and escaped to the front stoop for some quiet and fresh air. As one would expect, there was the one overbearing, liquored-up older gentleman. We did our best to avoid him as much as possible. We pretended to have really engaging private conversations as he approached. Funny.

The kids were my favorites. It seems that the children in this family are all old souls. They have conversations far beyond their years, but still manage to hold on to the playfulness of youth. I felt more similar to them than the adults, who rarely wanted to play and were more concerned with sharing information. I ran out of juice on Thursday though. That’s the thing about trying to keep up with young people.


I got my energy back as I napped through most of the traffic-nightmare ride back home. We arrive back in SF at 11PM Saturday night, and I was at SOM for Rich Medina at 11:40. I left there to see Marques Wyatt at Mighty around 2AM. I also went out to Townhouse in Venice on Wednesday night for Marques. I suppose that’s why I had nothing left for playing with the young people on Thursday.

When I finally got home Sunday morning at 4:30AM, I donned my flannel polar bear PJ’s, poured myself a tall glass of water, cracked open a beer and settled in. I had one cocktail upon arriving at the club at 11:30, but then I figured that it wasn’t a good idea to continue since I was probably still tired from traveling. That was a really really smart move. You know, I can be so wise one moment and ridiculous the next. I didn’t leave my bed to get dressed until I got up for work this morning. I still feel a little bit tired, but soooo much better since I actually slept in my own bed again. Next time, I am going to splurge for a hotel room so I can be more comfortable. I’m too spoiled to sleep on couches.

On the way into the office this morning I thought about all of the things I have to be thankful for. The one thing that stood out to me was my childlike enthusiasm, playfulness and curiosity. Sure, I don’t have as much as I had when I was a child, but I do have a lot more than most women my age. I think that this part of a woman is sacrificed when she has a child. I know lots of moms who play, but none who play as much as I do. Their energy is used up caring for the family and looking after everyone’s needs. They sacrifice their play so others can play. I have never had the desire to do that. I didn’t really understand that I had to give that up in order to become a mother, but I knew that whatever it was I had to give up was something I wasn’t ready to part with. I thought it was simply the freedom of independent concern. That alone wouldn’t be so bad, actually. It’s the play that I would miss most.

My true childhood has been the past 10 years. I played tentatively when I was a child. As the only girl allowed outside the house on our block, I had to scrap my way out of stinky boy dogpiles. I had to be a bigger daredevil , run faster, jump higher. I had to use weapons to defend myself. I had to read body language and observe suspicious behavior. I had a few miscalculations along the way, but those were the best teachers. All of my young life I was surrounded by males. I didn’t realize until the past 10 years that there was a safer, more caring and relaxed environment with females. Most of the females I knew as a child, including my mother, were severe, calculating and vengeful. Men of any time, even perverts, were preferable to that.

Now that I know what a childhood really is, I can understand why people have children. It is such a beautiful gift to bestow on another living being. I’m still not sold on the childbearing thing, but maybe I’ll grow into adoption someday. Until then, I’ll just get a puppy.

Monday, November 21, 2011

stop getting my hopes up

The original estimate for how long it would take to get me back on the road was BS. I’m sure that Dr. Hotness didn’t intend to bullshit me, but it’s clear that I’m not ready to start running yet. I’m almost two weeks overdue, not that it’s at all important for me to keep count.


I almost don’t miss it… almost. I’ve been doing a lot of yoga: between 40 minutes and 2 hours every day. I’ve been on and off with the meditation, sacrificing it for yoga, cardio or sleep. Today is the 3rd day that I didn’t have a morning session. Tomorrow I will have one! Must. Hypnotize. Self. In the evenings I squeeze as much of my physical therapy homework and yoga in as I possibly can before bedtime. I’ve been getting to bed later, 10:30 – 11:30PM. It’s not helping the meditation practice at all. When I turn the alarm off in the morning I feel like I am hung over. Not cute.

I think I’m very close to being ready to run on dirt at least. I’ve been playing A LOT of Kinect Dance Central. Sure, my knee still feels uncomfortable, but it doesn’t have that disturbing intensity until I’ve been dancing for about 4 hours. Yesterday I experimented with taking breaks, and I was able to get up to 6 hours when I take a 5-15 minute break every couple of hours. After 6 hours, though, I was tired and it was too late to keep going. I’ll have to test it out again starting earlier in the day next time. He he he. It was pretty fun. Despite how stiff I felt, I spent an hour and some change doing Shiva Rea’s Moon Sequence on her Yoga Shakti DVD - http://shivarea.com/online-store. I really like the Yoga Matrix, where you can pick which poses you want to do in your session, but there’s a really irritating delay in the transitions.

The great news is that my IT band is super loose following the 10 days without any cardio exercise. I got some really deep TFL bodywork, and it wasn’t nearly as painful as it was before the retreat. I gave Dr. Hotness my hypothesis about how I’ve managed to make so much progress in such a short time, but he prefers to believe that it’s all from his treatment. Whatever. You say tomato… The important thing is that I’m getting better. I had my first visit to the physical therapist at Kaiser, as recommended by my Primary Care Physician. Apparently she has some suspicion of other recovery methods, so she wants me to see the official hospital physical therapist. As it turns out, my Kaiser PT is a very forward-thinking practitioner (Leslie somebody). She wants to support my ongoing treatments with other practitioners by simply monitoring my progress and adding one or two new complementary exercises as needed. Unfortunately, I don’t think the crunching noise is going anywhere. I’ll look more into that after we’ve done something about the bone-on-bone issue. Priorities.

During a Feldenkrais session I said out loud, “I feel so much better balanced since I haven’t been doing any weight training.” My Super Scorpion is actually fun now! I used to wrestle myself into a sweat just trying to turn onto one side, and now I can roll over in either direction while having a conversation. I ran it by Dr. Hotness, and he agreed. I’m already really muscular (I needed to be reminded of that); there’s no need to make them bigger. He suggested I try Pilates and wrinkled his face a bit at the mention of yoga, but I’m an independent thinker (LOL read: hard-headed). After having a home practice refresher with our resident yogi, I came to the realization that I should just swear off certain common poses until further notice. I ran across a couple of them during the Yoga Shakti video last night as well – double pigeon is the devil. Have you seen the pose? NOT IT!

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

If I stop wearing anti-perspirant, I'll be 100% hippie.

It’s unusual for me to post blogs on consecutive days, especially with the two hours of meditation I’m in the process of adding to my daily routine. However, I felt like today really needed an entry.

This morning I woke up feeling like I’d been thrown out of a moving vehicle. It would be easier for me to list the muscles and joints that aren’t sore. Of course it’s getting worse as the day wears on. Somehow I’m still in a great mood.

I only made it through about 12 minutes of meditation last night after 20 minutes of restorative yoga. I threw in the towel, assuming that I really needed sleep much more than anything else. Man, was I right! I woke up at 5:27AM, 3 minutes before my alarm. I sat up, arranged my pillow pile and sat for almost a full hour of meditation. There was a 3 minute interruption when my space heater freaked out and jarred me out of my trance like a blaring fire alarm. I jumped up, full flight, and soared across the room to turn it off. I didn’t know that I could move that fast! Usually it takes me about 10 seconds to wake my feet back up from the sitting posture, and I was also sore and a little bit sleepy still. Whoa. It took me the next 2+ minutes to wind myself back down. I have this hand motion that I like to do to remind myself to let go. It looks like I’m grabbing something from the side of my head and throwing it down on the floor. I had to do that a couple of times to shake off being startled.

Afterwards I poured myself a gigantic cup of coffee with soy creamer and, instead of getting back in bed with it like I usually do, I made the bed and prepped for yoga. A few sun salutations and twists later, I finished off my coffee and got ready for work. My 17-mile commute took me an hour this morning – UGH. I didn’t seem to mind it much though. In fact, I didn’t even realize how long it had taken until I spoke to my cube-mates later about how well my morning came together.

I broke 500 miles on one tank of gas. The low fuel light came on at 502 miles exactly. I probably could have gotten even more out of it if traffic wasn’t so horrendous. Not bad for a 2006 Jetta TDI. I know I’m not supposed to love a car, but it is really making it easy for me. I am so thankful. I’ve picked a couple of lemons, and it’s a real pain in the ass.

During a coffee convo this morning, I talked about one of my old friends who has typically been challenging to get along with. Another mutual friend gave me kudos for staying in touch with him and, against all odds, remaining his friend. I explained that I believe everyone has value. This particular friend, mostly by observing him, reminds me not to take things for granted. He reminds me that everyone has feelings, and I should apologize when I hurt them (even if I’m “right”). He reminds me that being nice is often so easy and brings such great reward. He reminds me that, no matter how small, a good deed is always worth doing when you have the ability – regardless of whether or not the person you are doing it for appreciates it because you are really just doing it for yourself and your own self-worth. He reminds me that ‘what’s in it for me?’ is not an acceptable attitude. He also reminds me, and this is HUGE for me right now, that not everyone feels compassion or even realizes their influence on others, and that doesn’t make someone an evil or inferior person. We are all ignorant is some regard.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

No, it's not a cult.

I haven’t written a blog in a while because, well, I’ve been feeling unusually sane since returning from a 10-day silent meditation retreat. The Northern California Vipassana Center has 10-day courses throughout the year: http://www.manda.dhamma.org/. Although this particular facility (there are three in California) is a bit no-frills, I greatly benefitted from the lack of stimulation.


My first retreat was in Thailand in the rural town of Chaiya at Suan Mokkh Monastery in November of 2008. That was quite an experience. First timers to this type of program are always a bit crazed during the first half of the course because of the overwhelming onslaught of thoughts. At Suan Mokkh I also had the added stress of being abroad alone for the first time in a place I’d never before visited. I ran out of bug spray about halfway through the program, and my money was locked up with the rest of my valuables and electronics. I would not have access to them until day 10. The mosquitos were eating me alive. I was screwed BIG TIME. Although I look back and admire my former self’s resolve for sticking with it and overcoming the maddening itching of dozens of bites, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I’ve recommended the course to many, but I warn each person to make sure they are armed with enough supplies (especially bug spray) to make it through to the end.

At Dhamma Manda I had the chance to observe first-timers and entertain myself with their misery. Don’t get me wrong, I had my own issues with joint pain and boredom, but these thing s are to be expected. I had forgotten just how much pain is associated with 10-11 hours of sitting meditation, but that’s not what you take away from the experience. I think the first time is more life-altering than the second, but I definitely understood more of the concepts in the lectures. I also had more of a sense for how important it was that I absorb as much of the teachings as possible. Once you go home, the world comes rushing back into your life and the calm quiet mind is nearly impossible to hold on to.

Although all of the lectures are prerecorded DVDs of S.N. Goenka, the teaching is very well put together. Considering how much he wanders off topic, it had to be a challenge to organize. New students to Dhamma Manda are allowed to attend their first course for free, as a gift from former attendees. The reasoning behind this is that once you have gained the key to unlock serenity and balance within yourself, you will want to share it with as many people as possible. In the end this concept is genius. I’m signed up for a recurring monthly donation.

Sure, it's not for eveyone - nothing really is.  I'mn finding a major challenge is continuing my meditation practice at home: one hour in the morning and one in teh evening.  o far I've only made it through a full hour sitting twice.  Supposedly if you are able to make meditation part of your life for a full year, you will become a lifelong meditator.  Well, even if I don't end up being a lifelong meditator , at least I can have more awareness of myself.  That alone was worth it.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Feels good to be back

I'm just finished up my first week back in the gym, and I feel really good. I had to keep reminding myself to take it slowly. I still managed to make myself outrageously sore, but I suppose I wouldn't have been satisfied if I hadn't.

On Tuesday I had a half hour of full body strengthening with traditional exercises like bench press, shadow boxing with dumbbells, modified burpees, step-ups and crunches every which way. I also had a half hour of bodywork on my adductors (did I spell that correctly?) and IT band.

Wednesday was another half hour of bodywork and a half hour of physical therapy on my own.

Thursday, another half hour of work on the IT band and 10 minutes of rolling the hip on a PVC pipe. Followed that up with 100 kettle bell swings, 25 kettle bell squats (those felt weird because my knee is still scraping) and a handstand mini-clinic. I think the handstands did more for my confidence than anything else.

Friday was hands-on Feldenkrais. I felt pretty beat up, so I arrived to my training session without any direction or ambition. As he always does, The Sage knew what I needed. All I had to do was show up.

Yesterday I went to a nice slower-paced yoga class. My knee was a bit tender afterwards but I felt strong throughout the class. We're getting there.

This week's chiropractor appointment went very well. The knotted areas where my IT Band is fused have begun to soften. I think we may even get some movement this week! I'm hopeful. I finally received my PVC roller for home and FiveFinger shoes. This newer pair is much more comfortable than the previous because the material is thinner and more flexible. I'd like to try a half size bigger, especially before attempting to run in them. I still have at least another 4 weeks before considering running again though. Baby steps.

posted from Bloggeroid

Monday, October 3, 2011

More Whining

I can’t stand complaining, doing it or hearing it. Lately I’ve been doing a lot of it.


I can’t run. Well, I could run if I absolutely had to but it would just cause me pain. I went to see the chiropractor last Thursday as advised by The Sage. My IT Band Syndrome is developing rapidly, causing the hip (TFL) pain that makes me limp.

The way he described it was that two things that would normally slide back and forth beside each other have been so tight that heat from the friction has fused them together in several places. Those frozen spots are preventing my knee cap from moving the way it was intended, and now it is threatening to become immobile. Everything from there is just a series of domino effect compensations I’ve been making while attempting to manage my active lifestyle.
After listening to the rice crispies during a test squat (he actually winced when he heard it), he did something (very painful) to my knee and it stopped its crackling for a few hours. The crunchies eventually returned, but they’re still not as loud as before I went to see him. I had this disconnected sensation in my kneecap for a while. I went out for a little dancing that night – a sad excuse for dancing, really. I didn’t even come close to breaking a sweat out of fear that I would hurt myself or reverse the work I received. Still, it was nice to be out for a change. It was apparent at that point that the Nike Women’s Marathon isn’t happening for me, so why not go out for a drink?

Dr. Hotness (Did I mention that he’s hot? Yeah, it’s a little distracting but a welcome distraction) told me to “take it easy”, which is word for word what The Sage told me a couple of weeks ago when I switched from impact cardio to cycling. Apparently cycling is not “easy” enough? Just when I thought the worst was over, he did some work on my hip too. It hurt like a bitch! Thankfully it was brief.

In addition to rest, he recommended some PVC pipe roller time for both the hip and IT Band.  He also showed me an exercise to strengthen my weak vastus medialus on the right leg (left one is fine) using a resistance band.

I placed an order for my very own PVC roller to have at home. I’ve also gone in for some deep bodywork on the trouble area – even better than just rolling. I have a half hour scheduled for every day this week. I am completely focused on making this recovery as speedy as possible. I CANNOT WAIT UNTIL THIS IS RESOLVED!!!

Dr. Hotness is confident that I’ll be running again with ease. He wants to see my shoes – this makes me nervous because I know I shouldn’t be using so much support. I always buy trail shoes because they aren’t as soft as regular road running shoes, but they’re still evil. I ordered a new pair of “barefoot” runners. Hopefully they will arrive soon so I can start breaking them in. That will cheer me up a little.

I’m extremely endorphin-deprived. I’m cranky. I binge. My energy level is inconsistent. I drink too much coffee, I sleep fitfully and I’m just miserable. I feel like someone else, not myself. I don’t even know who this person is. She is getting on my last nerve with her constant complaining. Three weeks! Three weeks is how long I am to “take it easy” to figure out if the physical therapy is working. No leg workouts for three weeks? Can I do that? I’m gonna go nuts! Maybe I am already nuts! Leg workouts are the only thing I know: run, climb stairs, bike, hike, dance. What else is there?



I feel lost. I went to see a therapist on Friday. I told her that I need help to keep it together during this weird transition. It all started with the upper respiratory infection earlier this year. I haven’t been myself since. I’ve been this unrecognizable mess. I’ve been in denial of it all too. Time to turn this handbasket around! I have to accept that I am not invincible. I am getting older. I’m not as physically resilient as I used to be. I need more rest, better nutrition and less impulsiveness. I have to take better care of myself. I’m not a kid anymore. It’s depressing.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

funky attitude

I’ve been convinced not to give away my Nike entry. I just have to tough it out and deal with the punishment. That’s really what it is right now, self-inflicted.


I’m in a blue place right now. I won’t say it’s dark exactly because I have been particularly focused and motivated at work. I’ve also started reading again, which always improves my mood. I’ve discovered the endless supply of free ebooks online, and I’m excited about finishing the one I’m currently reading so I can browse for the next one. I need to make more time to read. I considered riding public transit for that purpose only. I’m still mulling it over.

The main issue that is depressing to me is my fitness level right now. I still wear the same clothes, but they look awful on me. My body is reshaping itself in a manner that I find very unattractive. It’s making me uncomfortable in my skin. I have no confidence in my interactions with the opposite sex because I shrink away from anyone looking at me. I wonder if obese people feel the same way. However, I am NOT curious enough to experience it firsthand. I’m hoping this energy slump from the detox diet wears off by Saturday morning. I’m riding my bike to 24 Hour Fitness for Turbo Kick and Yoga. I’m hoping to push myself to go to Zumba and Step the next morning as well.

Thank goodness for my 24 membership – I can go there and reclaim my body in anonymity. I used a lot of 24 treadmill time to build up to my first constant mile back when I picked up running for the first time as an adult about 5 years ago. It doesn’t matter how out of shape you are because there is such a huge range of fitness levels there. Also, nobody cares what the hell you are doing. Here, in our office gym, everyone is so interested in what is going on. Don’t get me wrong, that is exactly why I love it here. I’m just not in the frame of mind to share this part of my journey with someone.

I have a groupon thingy for a yoga studio near here too. That will keep me from injuring myself. I’m going today. That will definitely help my mood. It won’t do jack shit for my body image, but such is life, eh?

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

I am only a human being

I still haven’t begun training for the Nike Marathon. I have eight weeks. I am so screwed. I’ve fallen further down into the depths of couch potato-ism than I’ve been in a very long time. I was probably around 19 or 20 years old. I’ve been in complete denial about the whole thing. For some reason I still thought I had 12 weeks left. No, Hester, you have two months not three. I’m not going to be able to run this whole thing. Finishing it is now the big challenge.  I sitll don't feel motivated to train.  I htink I need to give away my entry.  SOmeone told me to sell it, but I think that's probably breaking some rule.  I am not looking to get my money back anyway.  I just want the entry to be used because they are so hard to get.


I’m not sure what my issue is exactly. I haven’t wanted to train after falling ill just before the Mt. Shasta climb. I was beaten in every way possible: physically, mentally and emotionally. It was a very dark time for me. I just haven’t come back from it yet. I don’t understand why.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Educational Television

I understand that reality shows are the big money makers for the networks, but must they all be so damned demeaning?

posted from Bloggeroid

bo-ring

Trouble flew up from San Diego to visit this past weekend. It was fun, but I think we might be winding down with age. We can still stay awake, but we have tender joints and we sleep until it’s dark again the following day. I feel weird losing days to sleep now. I must admit though that it did completely reset me to sleep all day after staying out late. I took an extra day off from work to do laundry, clean up after the weekend’s shenanigans and just simply to get my act back together. It was exactly what I needed. I woke up at dawn this morning with the intention of getting out of bed, but I rolled over twice (dreaming that I’d gotten up and started both times).


I rode my bike to the office and managed to make it through most of the day without yawning or losing my train of thought. Well, until a few minutes ago. I’m hoping that writing this blog will put me over the hump. Please let it be time to go when I’m done. I’m tired. I couldn’t fall asleep until after midnight last night because I got too much sleep yesterday. Oh well. I will surely make up for it tonight.

I’ve been trying to figure out a way to add a run into my day without sacrificing bike commuting. I’m still not sure how that will happen. Right now I’m not certain if I have enough will to bike back home after running. I KNOW IT’S GOOD FOR ME. I suppose I’ll just have to work up the nerve to try it this week and find out. First things first: I should be able to do something physical either before I leave for work or when I get home – even if it’s just stretching (which is what I really need to do before bed). The video game should be tempting enough, right? So far it hasn’t been, but today is a new day. I can do this.

Monday, July 11, 2011

The Addictive Personality

It's good to know myself. That is by far the most effective way to avoid public embarassment. I used to think that I was a fun drunk before I knew the difference between tipsy and drunk. I used to think that I was a great lover before I knew the difference between making love and making someone feel loved. I used to think that getting older meant being more mature until I met a child with more common sense than any adult I knew.

These days, I'm not so concerned with figuring out what is interesting to people and why. Making sense of things doesn't take up as much of my time as it used to. My days are mostly filled with chores, family and video games. I'm fine with it.

I have an addictive personality, so being home a lot helps to even me out. It's never a good idea to expose myself to too much stimulation. I say that I love Vegas, but really I just love the out of control feeling I get when I'm there. It's a veritable playground, and I get as much play as I can handle when I'm there. I come back home spent, spent and spent. It takes a while for things to get back to normal.

Fortunately, I've always loved to dance. I danced when I was really young, before the drinking and scandalous parties. I find myself returning to that wholesome joy of dance more and more lately. I'm sure the Dance Central game has played a huge part in this dance renaissance, allowing me to perform choreography in private, any time of the day, without intoxicants. I can get out of bed, pour myself a cup of coffee and dance my ass off for hours in my PJs before even thinking about showering and getting dressed.

Following my recent emotional defeat, it feels really good to be happy about doing something physical again. I have been procrastinating even just beginning to build my mileage base, exhibiting typical symptoms of depression. The weeks poss and I'm getting further and further behind on the schedule. If I don't get on the road, running and cycling, this week, I'll be hurting really badly in both of the events I have planned for autumn. Let's not do that.

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Wednesday, July 6, 2011

just be thankful for what you've got

After having a weird couple of months battling illness and being discouraged by muscle loss, coughing, shortness of breath and weight gain, I’m finally feeling healthy again. I’ve stocked the fridge with quinoa and kidney beans for this week’s rushed dinner nights. My gym back is packed and in the trunk (with my roller skates, roller blades and lightweight hula hoop). I’ve been using my running shoes to play Dance Central in hoped of loosening them up a little bit, but I do prefer them a bit stiff. That’s why I always buy trail running shoes. If only they were kinder to my feet. I’m fairly obsessed with aesthetics when it comes to my footwear. If I could wear hideous shoes, I’m sure I’d have an easier time with comfort. F oar the Puma Trail Fox has been fine. I’ve even ordered a second pair (which means they’ll likely be discontinued soon). I adored my Saucony Progrid Razor waterproof trail running booties, but the newer model comes in a color scheme that is particularly unflattering in my shoe size. I would have purchased the men’s model, but that color scheme is too manly – I still may end up buying them if the Trail Fox doesn’t work out during the rainy season. They are the most waterproof athletic shoes I’ve ever had (and liked). I wore them for the Nike half last year and felt bouncy the whole way (with the exception of my rumble-belly at around mile 9)



My focus right now is on rebuilding my foundation. I can figure out how to approach a training schedule after that. Once I’m training again, there won’t be a breathing or weight issue, and my concern with muscle will be how to prevent them from getting too big. Yeah, that’s not very feminine.  Sixteen weeks to Nike.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Say What? Getting to know my blood type.

I take just about every piece of advice I get with a grain of salt.  I mean, nobody knows everything.  This dude who wrote the Eat for Your Blood Type books seems to have some knowledge, especially when it come sto allergens and emotional side effects of eatign certain foods, but surely he needs more documented research to prove that all he says is true.

Unfortunately, I do think the following has quite a bit of truth to it:

The legacy of your Type O ancestry causes an immediate “fight or flight” response in people of this blood type. However, this finely tuned response to stress, so vital in early Type O’s, is not always so beneficial in modern times. The Type O response can cause bouts of excessive anger, temper tantrums, hyperactivity and even create a severe enough chemical imbalance to bring about a manic episode. Since there is a powerful, synergistic relationship between the release of dopamine and feelings of reward, Type O is more vulnerable to destructive behaviors when overly tired, depressed or bored. These can include gambling, sensation seeking, risk taking, substance abuse and impulsivity. To avoid becoming overstressed, Dr. D’Adamo recommends following the Type O diet, which focuses on lean, organic meats, vegetables and fruits and avoid wheat and dairy which can be triggers for digestive and health issues in Type O. Additionally, he suggests that Type O’s avoid caffeine and alcohol. Caffeine can be particularly harmful because of its tendency to raise adrenaline and noradrenaline, which are already high for Type O’s.
He has me completely pegged with the destructive behaviors.  I purposely avoid alcohol when I'm feeling down because I lose the ability to recognize when I've had enough until I've already had too much - that was a difficult and embarrassing lesson to learn.  Sensation-seeking and risk-taking was basically all I ever did in my teens and 20's.  Hyperactivity and tantrums were common for me as a child.  Gambling has been and continues to be one of my favorite recreational activities.  When I get really bored, a casino run is usually top of mind.  Thankfully I don't live too close to any good ones.  I drink a lot of caffeine.  The warning that I shoudl avoid it makes me sad.  I love coffee.  Boo!  I have gone without coffee for months at a time, just to clear out the toxins and feel fresh.  I usually feel really good when I do it.  I just wish coffee wasn't so delicious.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

a walk in the clouds

Oh man, what a couple of weeks it has been. I would like to say that I’m not still hung up on my disappointment from failing to summit Mt. Shasta. In fact, I say it quite frequently both to myself and others. I don’t want to be a person who is so focused on something in the distance that the beauty sitting before me goes unnoticed. No, I don’t want to be that kind of person.


I spent a week with an amazing group of people. Everyone there wanted to honor someone who struggled with Cancer. Some were survivors themselves. Out of 35 people, all but 8 reached the summit of Shasta. I had every intention of being part of that majority in spite of my recent illness. Unfortunately, that wasn’t likely. I keep thinking that I should’ve trained harder or pushed myself further, but it really just comes down to the fact that I didn’t take better care of myself at a time when it was crucial. On the mountain it was far too late to do anything about it.

Maybe the summit wasn’t supposed to be the goal of this trip for me. I opened up and grew close to a group of people in a way that I have never before experienced. Working at CB&C is a good intro to platonic adult intimacy, but climbing Mt. Shasta with the Breast Cancer Fund was like the AP course in platonic adult relationships. It took very little time to get to know everyone there better than most people I’ve known for several years.

We began our introductions with the reason why we’re participating in the climb – most of us were there to honor someone we’ve lost to Cancer and some were there to celebrate surviving it. It was Father’s Day. I was there to honor my father. I could barely get the words out, choking on my emotions. I was there to make a difference in the future so that my niece and her friends wouldn’t have to be in that place. We had five men in our group. As we went around the room, I found the men’s stories extremely touching because they were crying too. In my family that is unheard of. I mean, it’s already frowned upon for women to cry in our family because it’s a sign of weakness. For men it would just be blasphemous. From that day, I knew I was in for an experience like no other.

By the end of the week, I was hugging everyone. Yes, me! There were a few people that I thought were a little bit conceited, but I figured that was some sort of defense mechanism as well, so why take it personally? One person in particular always had something insulting to say about people. Towards the end of the trip, I managed to stop her from saying those things in my presence. I gently let her know that I believed everyone there was a valuable addition to the group, not in those words but she got the message. I began the week admiring her strength and drive because she is an accomplished author and a longtime survivor of Breast Cancer but, after talking with her and hearing her talk to other people, I realized that she’s just a person like the rest of us. With all of her achievements, she still needs something more to make her feel good about herself. It’s too bad that the something she chose was to criticize others but hey, nobody’s perfect. I suppose that means that aspiring to be more like her was probably not an appropriate goal from the beginning. I just need to be concerned with being an awesome Hester and forget about comparing myself to someone else.

I’m really intimidated by opening up and letting people in, but I am truly inspired by everyone who opened up to me. It’s not a sign of weakness to allow yourself to feel things and express those emotions. To be able to do that, get hurt and still come back and do it all over again, giving your completely genuine self each time, that is true strength. It’s okay to be afraid; you just need the courage to keep going in spite of that fear. Hmmm. Wasn’t that the message in Green Lantern?

I think I was more afraid of the crying and intimacy than I was of the mountain.  That said, I'm going back for that summit when I'm 100% healthy again.  Not sure how that fits into my marathon training, but somehow I doubt that will be an issue.


Friday, June 10, 2011

the rapture

A blind lady gets on the train with her seeing-eye dog. Not only do the people near the door stay seated, they argue with each other about which one of them should offer their seat to the lady. I wasn’t there when it happened, but had I been there would I have done something? It pisses me off. I would have given up my seat, no matter where it was. The question is, would I have said something to the rude people? After mulling it over for the past couple of hours, I’m pretty sure I would have just given up my seat or asked some nice young man to give up his. I have never liked confrontation. In fact, I rarely participate in it. Somebody has to really offend me to spark a reaction of that sort. I practically have to be cornered. Then, it’s on.


This morning I had a crazy dream. One of my friends told me that he was concerned about me because I don’t believe in God. Mind you, it’s not that I don’t have any spiritual beliefs. I just don’t buy the whole Supreme Being deal. I think that everything is connected. I think that there are times when people feel that connection more strongly than others. We experience rushes of emotion and clarity of vision, often brief and without warning. I think that these moments are so overwhelming for most of us that we instinctively block that flow of energy, cutting ourselves off from the connection. This idea that we are all separate beings is an illusion that is cultivated by modern society. It is in the interest of capitalism to make us believe that our actions have no consequences beyond what we each personally experience and that material possessions make us appear happy, young, beautiful and successful to others. At those times that people would describe as “feeling the presence of God”, I consider it a glimpse at my insignificance as a singular being by recognizing myself as a tiny piece of a bigger world. Some people do good because God wants them to. Some people do good because it makes them feel good. Some people do good to earn good karma. Whatever the reason, it looks the same from where I’m sitting.

Anyway, back to the dream. With all of this crazy weather, natural disasters and talk about the day of reckoning closing in on us, the dream strikes an interesting chord. What if the Aztecs and Mayans are right? From what I’ve read, which is probably just a miniscule fraction of the real deal, it’s not the literal end of the world; It’s a shift – not sure what type of shift because it’s open to interpretation. What if, just humor me here, what if it’s a tectonic shift?

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Spring Sick Day #2

I missed the entire day yesterday, doped up with cold medicine. Today I feel much better but still too many crud symptoms to be in the office. As always, I have a sore and scratchy throat. I made some spicy noodle soup earlier and shared it with my brother, who is also home sick. It was almost too spicy. It hit the spot.

Yesterday I had a fever. The meds put me out must of the day and I sweated through my clothes a couple of times. I went for a hike on Mt Diablo with the Shasta climb group on Sunday. It rained and hailed, and the wind was freezing. I was ill-prepared. It's no surprise that I got sick.
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Tuesday, May 3, 2011

and now we get along...

Once in a while I realize that things don’t get me down like they used to. This is the one thing I am most thankful for. As a teen and young adult, I made many unsuccessful attempts at taking my own life and adopted some dangerous hobbies. Some might say that I really had no intention of really ending it, and that all I really wanted was attention. I suppose that was true. I wanted people to know how miserable life was. I wanted to make a dark and dramatic statement about the degradation of society and deteriorating family values. It all began when we stopped eating meals together at the table. We grew further and further apart. Suddenly, everyone was on their own. There was a vast, impassable distance between every member of my family. I could be allies with only one, and I had to choose. They made that absolutely clear. I sided with my father - the only person in our family who believed in me and told me so.  He was the first one to pass on, leaving those of us who remained bitter, hurt and isolated. We fought like injured, cornered wild animals. Most people would have left. Save yourself! I had that thought many times. I’m not entirely sure why I stayed. It could have been guilt (thanks Catholicism). I didn’t want to create another vacuum with my absence. The one my dad left was painful enough. They were sure to compare us yet again if I fled. I was, after all, just like him – so they say. Apparently a family resemblance was something to be ashamed of. We were kind of screwed up in that way.  I think that I just needed them.  Sure, they were mean, nasty and judgmental, but they were my family.  I couldn't make them supportive, but I could stay here and wait it out.  I thought I was waiting for them to change, but I was really just waiting to feel comfortable and stable enough inside myself to be able to stand up to their criticisms.  I would never receive their praise because it didn't exist.  They weren't really being mean; they just didn't know how to be nice.  The road of trial and error I had to travel to finally reach that realization was really really rough.  I made it though.  Yup, I made it.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

if I could do it over

Today's question swirling around in my mind is, "When you see someone in tireless pursuit of their dream, how does that make you feel?"


In that first instant I am filled with joy, but when the moment passes there are so many other emotions fighting each other inside me. I think back to dreams I had as a young person and wonder what they could have become. I am nostalgic. I miss feeling hopeful about the future. I get angry because there are so many people in the world who want others to fail so they can feel better about themselves. I feel upset because I burned so many bridges, most of them unintentional. Then I wonder how today’s young people are faring. So much responsibility is on their shoulders. They seem to have even less time than we did to get things right.

After all that, I look around at the people I surround myself with and I am content. I wake up every day happy to be alive. I feel love around me. Can there really be much else to want? Sometimes I wonder if that makes me lazy. I guess today was one of those “sometimes” days. When I was young, I felt that way every day. There is so much pressure in youth.

Monday, April 18, 2011

switch

How many times must I attempt to write a blog before I finally do it?


Let’s see. Where should I start? Mom is visiting from the Philippines for another 2-3 weeks. My brother and sister-in-law now live in the house with me - read: 3 sets of bedroom furniture in just 2 bedrooms. I’m unattached (again). I’ve lost almost 10 lbs without really trying. I’ve gone back to clubbing on the weekends full time. I’m also gambling again. I think that pretty much sums it up.

I attended mountaineering school at Shasta about a month ago. It was cold. There was about 5 feet of fresh powder on the mountain during our class. I spent the following weekend at Squaw in similar conditions. I burned a full day’s worth of calories 15 minutes into my first run by falling into a snowhole off the groomed trail – lesson learned. By the time I realized that I was going to have to unstrap my board, I had no ego left to bruise. I licked my wounds with a spa package that afternoon and rounded out the night with booze and Nintendo. Not bad for a birthday weekend, eh? I have some new snow gear and a renewed respect for the mountain. I’d like to go back again, but this weekend is the end of ski season and I haven’t made any plans to get up there. I wish I lived closer to Tahoe. Maybe I should attempt a day trip on Friday. Let’s keep that on the backburner in case the shooting range date doesn’t work out… Yes, I have a shooting date on Friday.

I had a kickass workout last Thursday. My Shasta climb teammates weren’t feeling it so I showed up for the hour alone and slightly intimidated. The Terminator was really excited, and that just made me more nervous. I warmed up with 5 sets of stairs. Then platform jumps – It was about 3.5 ft platform because I wasn’t confident enough to do 4’. She told me that I could get a running start if I wanted, but that’s cheating. We’ll work up to 4 feet. Doing platform jumps makes me feel a little bit like a circus animal. I’m the only female here who can do them. It’s nice to hear the oohs and ahs once in a while, but having the trainers go, “hey everybody watch this” is just kinda weird. Platform jumps, kettle bell walking lunges and pushups on the ball (right hand, left hand then both hands) were one circuit. Then I pushed the punching bag up and down the hallway for 6 round trips, more ball pushups, pull-up bar hangs, another set of platform jumps and cool down with another 5 sets of stairs. That’s 50 minutes.

I caught the Martial Arts demos at CalAcademy Nightlife and then headed over to PST at Eve later that night. It was so boring! I kept drinking Red Bull, waiting for wings that never came. When I got home at 2AM, I was tired and wired. I woke up every 15-30 minutes until my alarm went off. Needless to say, my Friday night plans were completely ruined.  I woke up on Friday feeling like hell and somehow managed to drag my ass to work and back.  It was a miracle.

I got some Shimano SPD pedals and Pearl Izumi mtb shoes, which I had planned on taking for their first ride on Friday night for Roll Deep: a celebration of the art and style of the bicycle (the ride followed by the party). I suppose it was for the best that I didn’t go. I ended up needing a second tightening of the shoe clips after about a half hour on the bike. I took her out on Saturday and made a childish ass of myself riding through the hood yelling, “Wheeeeeee!” It’s the little things sometimes.

As for this being single again business, there’s really no story behind it. We had a good run. Hopefully I’ll meet someone new soon. Until then I’ll just entertain myself the same as always. As you were…

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Sometimes the biggest challenge is getting over yourself

I've been terribly preoccupied, and it is souring everything. I've spent a lot of time in the gym. However, that is just an escape.

I'm annoyed.
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Wednesday, February 16, 2011

adaptations

I picked a new loop today. It was a particularly dark morning, so I decided to go into the office first. Once there I got wrapped up in emails and such. I intended on doing the lake loop twice when I got up this morning, so I talked myself into crossing the pedestrian bridge over highway 80 and ran out to the Berkeley Marina before heading back. About a mile and a half before the end, the rain started to pour, then hail. I got back to the office drenched and feeling pretty chilled. Thankfully my gear is moisture wicking, so I may still get away with it sans a sniffle.


Yesterday’s Power Hour (our Tuesday personal training hour) included 5 sets of 15 pushups. We have about 30 seconds of rest in between sets. My second to last set of pushups was 10 reps. My last set was 4. I could barely hold my water bottle up to refill it at the filter machine after that. Today my chest, shoulders and armpits are super sore. Yoga was humbling.

I also had a check-in with our specialty trainer, The Sage, at lunchtime. He is educated in so many restorative methods that I would trust him to assess and heal an injury before I’d even consider visiting a doctor. I had a special issue for him today. Since I’ve been receiving bodywork on a regular basis, I have a consistent reminder of how tight my IT bands get. I’ve been really good at rolling them on a regular basis and stretching well after every run. Recently they’ve begun to move away from the roller when I get to the “money spots”, where the biggest and tightest knots live. I can feel myself getting close, so I slow down and focus on relaxing the leg on the roller so I can get deep into it. Then, just when I’m about to strike gold, the IT band jumps over and pops out on the other side of the roller, completely avoiding any pressure. I went in for my weekly bodywork session with my Yogi yesterday, and she told me that she didn’t think it was making any difference. Something else is out of balance and needs to be addressed before any progress can be made. The Sage didn’t disappoint. He gave me some homework that I can do on my own for helping to loosen some stuff around the hips and strengthen the smaller muscles around the knee, the gluteus medius, lower abs and lower back. How can a person be tight in the hips but weak in the lower abs? You got me. I’ll do the exercises for a couple of weeks and go back for another assessment.

As is normally the case when recovering from a hard workout, my muscle soreness and fatigue go hand in hand. I’m supposed to meet an ex to catch up over dinner, but I’ll probably end up sitting with him for one drink and then bowing out early. We shall see.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Whoa Nelly!

I went on my first long run of the season yesterday – 2 weeks late according to the training schedule. It wasn’t all that great either. During lap #2 around Lake Merritt, a college track team slowly lapped me and started doing some hill suicides in front of me. I spent the majority of that run dodging loud, chatty women and here was a huge chattering group with a coach running back and forth yelling at them.




The last few weeks of exhaustion have finally caught up to me at the office. Many of my project timelines are rushed or overdue. There’s also the looming $6000 minimum I have to make in fundraising for the Shasta climb by the time we leave in June. It has me super stressed. I jolted awake at 5AM this morning and 6AM yesterday morning, haunted by fundraising details that still need to be confirmed and so much uncertainty about where things are going to fall. The training helps to keep me grounded, providing a pretty good outlet for my nervous energy. Even with that, I still long for some solid dates and plans to be set. There are three of us on the team here. We must raise $18,000. I have no idea how to do that. I’m trying not to feel overwhelmed. I’m not sure how good of a job I am doing, considering how behind I am in my work. I need help, literally. I’d like to ask someone, but at this point I’m not sure who to ask.

What I do know for certain is that shit has to change RIGHT NOW. I can’t have my life upside-down and my affairs in such disarray. I’ve got to get a handle on all this.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

this is how I'm normal

Although I know I’m fit, strong (and perhaps even what some would consider athletic), I still feel a lot of pressure to conform. I am not the largest woman on the climb team, but most of them are on average 50lbs lighter than me – especially those who are very strong hikers. Yesterday in the kitchen before lunch I was discussing the training with a coworker. He and another coworker (who was behind the counter prepping food for us) were asking me questions about the quality of my sleep and how much recovery time I take every week. I was extremely tired yesterday, and it couldn’t be more obvious. Their concern was refreshing. The one next to me asked, “Why are you doing so much so soon?” Out of my mouth fell all of these red flag words and phrases that I even found surprising.


“The other women in our hiking group are so much faster than me, and I think it’s because I’m bigger than them. I know that I’m more muscular than they are, but I want to be fast too.”

“When you get up on the mountain, they’re going to be hurting and you will be fine. Trust me.” Although I knew his comforting words made sense, my frame of mind has not shifted one bit. I’m still focused on the weight thing even though I know for sure than my long term endurance is just as strong if not stronger than most of the women on the team. It’s bugging me. One of the main reasons why I wanted so badly to be in good shape, play sports and dance and all of that is so I wouldn’t think this way. Health has very little to do with vanity. I’ve succumbed to the very thing I always hated while growing up. It was purely accidental.

I am not going to put any effort into undoing the damage. I’m going to focus on the endurance and stamina-improving benefits of the training and forget about everything else. Getting faster may have absolutely nothing to do with weight. This is what I’m counting on.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Ugh

I am having one of those days today. The timing is very inconvenient.




Last night I didn’t sleep very well. I stayed awake until around 11:45 (a full two hours past when I usually fall asleep). I tossed all night, each time waking up from the tenderness in my hips, and then I woke up before my alarm went off at 5:30. So weird. I didn’t get out of bed until 6AM because I just felt too tired to get moving that early. My legs were still fatigued from yesterday’s brutal stair workout, and the morning run (with more stairs) just didn’t sound appealing to me. I powered through it. My knee was a bit achy in the beginning and into the third mile, but I suppose that is due mostly to my other muscled being too tired to absorb as much shock as they normally would. Once I’d done the 3+ miles, I decided that the stairs weren’t that big of a deal. When I consider how many times the Terminator makes us do them on Tuesdays and Thursdays, the three Cascade sets are just a drop in the bucket. It probably takes me less than 10 minutes and I get to have a good stretch afterwards, with my legs nice and warm.

While showering this morning I thought about how much I prefer bike riding mornings to running mornings. I realize that I’ve only begun implementing this approach, but I’m pretty sure that it will continue this way. I look forward to the day when I can ride my bike the full 22-mile round trip with hills on the return trip and (on opposite days) run the lake loop twice before work with three sets of Cascade stairs at the beginning, middle and end. I’ll get there. I may not be able to do it tomorrow but I will definitely get there.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Keeping it Moving

I had a one on one with myself yesterday. I have to face it – my running training is far weaker than it needs to be right now if I plan on doing the Oakland Running Festival’s Half Marathon. Frankly, if I were advising someone else I’d tell them to forget about Oakland and find an event further out. There isn’t enough time to train properly. Yeah, that’s what I’d say if I were advising someone else. Since I am only talking to myself, I’m going to ignore that advice and continue as though I will be running the Oakland half. I do realize that I may not be ready by then, but at least I will be close. If I move my goal further out, I’m probably going to procrastinate…again.


I’ve been having a very difficult time with the climbing. Even just the training hikes (no ice axes, crampons or altitude) are kicking my ass something righteous. I have more than once wished I were a religious person so I could pray to make it to the top of a peak and, at times, even fool myself into thinking that this is all out of my hands. There’s also that, “God would never give you something you couldn’t handle…” business that sound really good in my head on those butt-burning hills. If it weren’t for the sweat streaming down the sides of my face and labored breathing at an extremely slow pace, I could deal with the burning in my ass or even the twitching in my quads when I take a break. I could accept all of it if only I were faster – cranking out the kind of speed that would warrant me looking as though I’m about to fall down to my hands and knees and have a heart attack.

What’s even more humiliating is that there are women 10+ years older than me and about 60lbs lighter than I am practically skipping up these hills while having conversations about their kids’ grades and shit – chatting it up like they’re strolling through the mall. Seriously, it is humbling. I don’t hate them, but, my admiration is bordering the worst and greenest kind of envy. I’ve decided to use it to help my motivation. The Breast Cancer Fund group meets twice a week in Mill Valley to do the Dipsea Steps in the morning. I think they said 7:15AM. I may not live close enough to go with them (especially considering that I’m normally at the office sometimes around 8-8:30AM), but I can get out there at least once a week to do them on my own. It’s looking like Saturdays are my best choice.

I’ve managed to do it again – not scheduling any rest days. Bad Hester! I moved my running days (M, W, F on long work weeks, M, W, Sat on short ones) because I just can’t handle the Shasta training on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons after running in the morning. I can switch it back when I’m stronger. I’ve also added the Cleveland Cascade stairs to my morning run. I did three sets this morning (1 to warm up and 2 at the end before stretching). It’s not too hard so I probably need to add 1-2 more sets of them every week to compensate for missing the Dipsea group training.

Speaking of Dipsea, I’m doing a Dipsea Trail hike this Friday (short week) with the gang from my last optional hike two weeks ago. Looking at the trail map (http://www.dipsea.org/course.html) only makes me dread it, but if trail runners can race on it I suppose the least I can do is walk it.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

screw this crap

I’m having yet another minimally productive day.


I’m tired. I haven’t done my mileage, I haven't stuck to my nutrition reguimen and I’ve put almost two bucks in the swear jar already. Didn't I just have one of these days? I’m hoping it gets better as we have more light in the mornings and evenings. This morning I woke up to my alarm at 5:55 and when I got up to go pee I felt so old and stiff. I jumped right back in bed and under the covers. I decided to turn the news on so I wouldn’t go back to sleep. The weatherman said the temperature outside was 38 degrees. Done and done. There was no way in hell that I was going out for a run in temperatures that low. Yes, I know that some places are below zero right now but I wouldn’t be running outside there either!

I would like to head home and go immediately to bed, but I’m going to a Chinese New Year potluck tonight. Not sure what I’m bringing yet. Let’s go see what whole foods has for me.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

bumps and bruised ego

Why is my life’s humor so sarcastic? I could go for a little more physical or goofy comedy. It’s not necessary for everyone to be such a smartass.


I would like to live closer to the office or closer to public transportation – either. I’d like to ride my bike to work (in an hour or less). I’d like to read more. I wish there wasn’t such a crazy bad neighborhood between me and the BART station. Even given the circumstances, I’m trying it. Today I rode my bike to the station and read while I took the train. Then I rode my bike from the MacArthur station to the office. This is it. I can’t take this car shit anymore. It was freezing, but still a damn sight better than dealing with traffic.  Transit time = 1 hour 10 minutes (twice what it takes in the car).  When the weather warms up, I'm going to ride the whole way home.  Tonight though, I'll probably be taking the train again.

My patience is at an all time low, my legs are sore every damn day and my knee is fucking killing me. I only ran 2/3 of the lake loop yesterday morning because my knee was aching for the entire first mile. It’s annoying. I took the day off from working out on Monday because it was bothering me so bad. It feels better right now. It won’t last. We have an evening hike on Saturday and a morning hike (the dreaded Dipsea Steps) on Sunday. This weekend I’m hiking with the BCF crew, so it’s going to be fast as well. Last weekend I did a 6 mile Mount Diablo hike with a few friends, but the pace wasn’t too bad. I was getting my ass kicked by the climbing - that’s what I came for. On the way back down I wanted to shoot myself or cut off my leg. I also ran out of water. That sucked, but in the end I was okay. I lived and there were no injuries. I had a hot shower when I got home, which made me feel much better by not only making me clean but also curing the headache. When I have headaches I find it helpful to apply heat to my forehead – water is the best and most effective method of heat application. On Saturday I had an Epsom salt bath and a rest day. Looking back, I should have gone for a walk or a bike ride to warm up the legs and then had a good stretch. Next time.

I need to get on top of the physical therapy aspect of all this training. My rolling and softball-to-knot work has been sporadic at best. I’m not enjoying the intense bodywork I receive from the trainers ONE BIT! I’d much rather give myself a little bit of pain every day at home than go in twice a week for sessions so intense that I cry out for Jesus 10 times in a half hour.

The gym sessions aren’t so bad. I suppose I’m only saying that because they are just 50 minutes to an hour each. I’ve come to the realization that getting pushed hard for an hour isn’t so bad. I’m even becoming fond of the stair workout. Okay, that might be pushing it – I am tolerating the stairs much better. Yeah, that’s more like it. I haven’t gone back into yoga as hardcore as I intended. After the five consecutive days of yoga my wrist started to bother me again. It happens when I do a lot of push-ups too. It’s probably due in a large part to all the time I spend on the keyboard. I have gone to two yoga classes since it started bothering me. It starts aching during the warm-up and arm balances are completely out of the question. Just another thing reminding me how old and fragile I may become someday. I’m actually hoping to go out more like Jack LaLanne – capable of doing the same workout every day until I just suddenly croak.

Lumpy fell off the stage at the club the other day while installing some new equipment. The side of his face looks like he got into a fist fight and a finger on his dominant hand is jammed swollen and purple. It could have been much worse. He’s lucky (relatively speaking).

Monday, January 24, 2011

over the hump

Although I haven’t gone to the class yet, I’m already giving myself a mental pat on the back. My goal was to do 5 consecutive days of yoga and I did it. Tomorrow I will probably take the day off from yoga – it’s a running and Power Hour day. I’m not certain if I’m ready to take on all three of those in one day.


Yesterday was probably the hardest day. I felt pretty worn out and I hadn’t slept well. I napped until around 2PM and dragged myself out of bed to go run. It just happened to be my longer mileage day as well. I was supposed to run 5 miles. I barely made it to 3. Part of the problem was the gym. I opted to run on the treadmill, which I hate to begin with, because I didn’t have enough time to run outside and still make it to the gym in SF for the 5PM yoga class. If only I’d slept the night before, run in the morning and gone to the 11AM yoga class. Oh well, it was no use beating myself up about something I had no control over. Done is done. It was the longest 3 miles of my life. I was so bored. I couldn’t get in the zone. I actually had to walk some of it! I can only shake my head now. Afterwards I found no respite in the yoga class. The instructor had a squeaky voice and she talked too much and too fast. It was the least Zen yoga class I’d ever taken. I know that some people need a faster pace to keep them focused, but we were doing 3-4 poses per breath at times. That’s totally not how yoga is meant to be practiced. Movement follows the breath. You don’t move in spite of the breath! Also, the floor of the studio was so dirty that I felt like I was covered with a gritty film by the end of class. Speaking of which, after tonight’s class I am throwing my mat in the washing machine.

Instead of running to the kickboxing class before yoga tonight (I’ve already had a half hour of circuit and an hour of Zumba today), I’m going to reserve that cardio for tomorrow morning and try to get those two additional miles that I missed yesterday. Perhaps I could do an extra one tomorrow and one Thursday. We’ll see how I feel in the morning.

So, Yoga day #5. I’ve been super sore, more than with any of the other training. Yoga works so many muscles and you get very intimate with your weaknesses. I’ve always loved that part of it. You get to know your physical self extremely well with a yoga practice. I am considering developing a home practice as well. Perhaps I can take those two days off from the studio classes and use them at home instead. I’d like to work on my head and handstands, backbends and arm balances. You know, all the stuff they can’t spend a lot of time on at the studio. I’m not very good at those things yet, so I there’s a lot of opportunity for progress.

I’ve also been thinking about attending classes for a martial art. I’ve said this numerous times before. It intimidates me. The whole idea of fighting and having physical contact with strangers disturbs me.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Adding Fuel to the Ire

This morning I drank some caffeine sports beverage on my way to the lake. I was doing well: on schedule, fairly warm and armed with gloves and an mp3 player. There was crazy traffic due to a fallen tree or some crap on the freeway, so I took the street to go around the mess. I was eager to get running. I found a great parking spot and took off for my beautiful lakeside jog under the light of the spectacular full moon. "Bleeding Love" played softly in my earbuds, and I was extremely content...for about a half mile. My stomach started gurgling and cramping so bad that I had to stop completely. I couldn't even walk it off. It was far too early to expect any restroom to be open so I tried my best to encourage movement before I left the house, but there was no activity. Yet there I was barely a half hour later clenching my cheeks and swearing under my breath, shuffling the half mile back to my car so I could Mario Andretti my ass to the nearest clean and available restroom. I was so angry that my blood pressure was elevated.

After driving to the office, using the restroom and putting my bags away, I headed out for a run around Aquatic Park. The sun was out but there were very few people around. It was actually quite nice except for the fumes wafting over from the freeway. That loop is a few hundred feet longer than my usual. I enjoyed the change of scenery. I thought, ' Welcome to the full moon - Queen of technical difficulties.'

For the second consecutive day I showed up for personal training at the company gym but instead ended up receiving bodywork. Today's session was intense. The pain was so great at times that I needed a break to stop my eye from watering or my toes from twitching. It was a good reminder of why I need to figure out some way to incorporate IT band loosening homework into my schedule. For example, I could be doing some right now of o could just figure out what I can use on the bed while watching TV. I think it's time to go buy a softball since the foam roller isn't doing shit. There's this thing called a rumble roller that I should also become intimately involved with. So far I hate it, but it beats the pants off intense bodywork. No more please!
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Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Breaking Down

During any period of unusually intense training, one is inevitably bound to experience some disappointment. This is where I am right now. I have been in this god-awful plateau since Saturday afternoon. The 10+ mile training hike Saturday morning exhausted me. I’ve been scraping by on willpower since then. I didn’t feel like my pack was too heavy on the hike, but I was hurting really bad from the ridiculous pace these women were keeping and the humongous blisters on my heels. Afterwards the trainer asked me, “Wasn’t that fun?!” I wanted to punch her in the face. I figured that probably wasn’t a good idea, especially considering how I’m the only person of color in the group. It’s one thing to be the only person of color – this I have gotten used to over the years. It’s something completely different to FEEL like the only person of color. There is an elite-ness to the fittest women in the group. They’re not making me feel welcome, but that’s cool. I’m not doing it for them anyway. I suppose I need them for the training. In the end, who gives a fuck what they think? Most of the people on the hike were much like me: nice, positive folks who were happy to be able-bodied, outdoors and enjoying a good sweat in the sunshine. It’s too bad the nice ones weren’t the leaders, but I guess that isn’t how life works, is it?


Saturday just happened to be Twin Peaks’ 30th birthday as well, so I had a 3-hour power nap after the hike to prepare for the night’s festivities. I had two cocktails that evening, which I hadn’t done since NYE. I drank them out of desperation really. I was freezing and bitter, so I figured I should have something to warm me up on both fronts. That lasted ‘til around midnight. I ran out of steam and joined Lumpy on the balcony overlooking the dance floor. Since I was TP’s ride home, I knew I’d better just settle in and wait for the club to close at 2AM. It was definitely the party of the year for Oakland Househeads – Frankie Feliciano and Timmy Regisford tearing it up at the New Parish. The music was awesome. I wished I had more energy. I even closed my eyes and pictured myself dancing a few times. Disappointment #1.

I played a few rounds of DDR with Twin Peaks midday the next day. It was good to sweat and warm up the stiff legs. I tried using the roller, but they were really tender and the angle was awkward. Lumpy came over later in the evening to take me out to dinner at this great Italian place on Piedmont. I limped. He worked on some of my knots when we got back to my place. After that I slept soundly (with no regard for the time or entertaining my guest). He must have been really bored, lying there watching TV while I clung to him in my slumber. I had nothing left. I waited all week to spend the night with him and couldn’t do anything but sleep while he was there. His work schedule and my training schedule have been so incompatible that we haven’t had any other opportunities to spend time together - disappointment #2.

Yesterday I managed to drag myself out of bed at 4PM to go to the gym. Although I appeared to fit right in with everyone else in the classes, I was not happy with how heavy my legs felt and my inability to get air on my hops. I went in for Power Yoga, as it said on the class schedule, but there was Pilates instead. I was upset about that (disappointment #3A). I needed a good stretch like nobody’s business. I stuck around for Step Aerobics, but couldn’t talk myself into doing another Abs class to bridge the gap between the Step and Zumba classes. The line for treadmills was 10 people deep (goddamn New Year’s Resolution people – disappointment #3B), so I ended up having to use a recumbent bike for my cool down. Without my music I could only stand it for 10 minutes. I went over to what I like to refer to as “the Playpen”, where the trainers’ desks, mats and rollers are, and had my stretch. I tried to ignore the people in line for treadmills, elliptcals and the upcoming Zumba class. I’m pretty flexible, so I’m sure they gawked. For a while I didn’t care. Everything on my body needed to be pulled taut and maybe even twisted a little bit. I didn’t work out all of the tightness because the feeling of eyes on me was getting very uncomfortable – disappointment #3C.

This morning I got out of bed at around 6:15. I was very slow because I accidentally took a daytime vitamin the night before. I’ve split my vitamins so the ones that give me energy are taken during the day and the rest are taken at night with my new supplement, Melatonin. I mistakenly put a B/C Complex in with the night vitamins. Duh. I tossed all damn night. I think I woke up at 5:45, but I didn’t want to get out of bed yet. I put on my gear, packed my bag and went for my predawn run – today it was a dawn run because I was about a half hour behind schedule. I was exhausted. I tried drinking some Jack3d, but all that did was turn my stomach. I felt the rumbling of bubble guts about halfway through the loop. At around mile 2 I had to stop running because my colon felt like it was going to explode. Thankfully the park staff had just opened the restrooms, so they were clean and empty. I made it, and it was relatively uneventful other than the urgency of getting there. I decided to walk the remaining mile and change to take it easy on my body. It couldn’t have sent me a bigger signal that I needed to slow the hell down. I didn’t have enough rest to accomplish what I set out to do this morning. Disappointment #4.

On the walk back to the car I went through the regular scpheel in my head, shushing the negative self-talk and reaffirming the logic of taking it easy when the body shows signs of stress. Physical training is a series of building, disassembling and rebuilding periods. Ego has no place in it, at least not at my age. The goal here is to successfully complete the events I have planned without injury. If I end up feeling less challenged than I expected, I can consider adding more later. I doubt that will happen, but one never knows what the future will bring.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

celebrating the small victories

I slept through most of the night, so I'm considering it a success. I woke up at 7am without an alarm. I initially woke up at 5, but that was far too early and it was still dark outside. I haven't done much since then. Right now I'm lying in bed waiting for my throat to stop feeling sore. Once that happens I'll put on my gear and go for an easy jog. I have to remember that word, EASY. Earlier in the week I made a running date with someone a lot faster than me. Last night, after a long debate between the voices in my head, I canceled. It's difficult to come to terms with how fragile I am. I'm not happy with slowing down, but its far better than being bedridden. My motivation is stronger than my body right now. It's a unique problem for me.

My biggest obstacle is the weather. Its cold and dry. I don't mind the sting of the cold air in my throat and lungs, although I probably should. Those endorphins just override everything else. I miss them. I'm obsessing again.

I've been trying to spread out my attention to a bunch of different pursuits. I've taken up journaling again and I've started a new writing project. I've also begun a colon cleanse program today. Fun fun fun. I'm taking Nature's Secret Super Cleanse tablets. I switched to the green kefir last week for my morning kefir and chia seed shake, and it's pretty gross. I can't stand the taste of wheatgrass or spirulina. It's going to be a long 30 days. May this virus be flushed out of my system in the process.
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Back to the drawing board

Tonight is the third night that I am using sleep aids. It's 2:23AM, and I am blogging. That's how well they're working. After discussing my physical stress symptoms (in particular the return of my sore throat and chills), the trainer and I agreed that I need to solve the sleep deprivation issue before I can continue training for my running and climbing events. It's very inconvenient. I'm starting to feel the pressure of time running out for me to properly train for Oakland. I'm sure this is not helping.

I have my first training hike next weekend. It's going to be brutal either way, but I sincerely hope I can get a few good runs in by then. I'm going to give it another go tomorrow. I am going to make sure I get enough sleep first. I'm not sure how long that will take. I would like it to happen before noon. Fingers crossed.
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Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Back in Stride

I visited a coworker who is undergoing chemotherapy treatments for Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia in early November. When I left the hospital I had a scratchy throat. Little did I know that it would lead to over a month and a half of battling flu and colds. My immune system has been delicate. I've come to a point where I'm getting paranoid about it.

It has been almost a week since I last woke up with a sore throat, so I went on my first run since coming down with the flu on Thanksgiving. Getting up at 5:45 was difficult after my inability to fall asleep at a reasonable time last night, but I somehow managed to do it. I wanted to take it easy and walk when I got winded. I didn't want to push myself too hard, but it was freezing! I walked for almost two minutes after running about 3/4 mile. I ran the rest of the 3+ miles because it was too cold to walk and I had sweated through my layers by the time I reached the halfway mark. I was afraid that the drying sweat combined with the cold would make me sick again. My time wasn't bad considering the situation, but my lungs hurt from the cold and effort.

I made it to my afternoon personal training session today too. That was also unpleasant, but I did it. I'm in bed early tonight because my throat is a little bit tender. If it's sore tomorrow I'll take it easy and just do a low key dance class at 24 our something. I'm going too be sore for sure. Hopefully I won't be sore enough for Advil. There will be enough of that in my life when I begin my training schedule next week. This week I'm just focused on getting back into the swing of things.

I'm aiming to do the Oakland Running Festival Half Marathon on March 27th so I need to get my mileage back up. It won't be as hard as Nike because there aren't any hills like the ones on that course. I'm also training to climb Mt Shasta in June and run my first full marathon at this year's Nike Women's. I had my measurements taken today so I can track the changes in my muscle mass during the training. It's going to be hardcore. I'm nervous and excited. It's going to be a good year.
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