Although I know I’m fit, strong (and perhaps even what some would consider athletic), I still feel a lot of pressure to conform. I am not the largest woman on the climb team, but most of them are on average 50lbs lighter than me – especially those who are very strong hikers. Yesterday in the kitchen before lunch I was discussing the training with a coworker. He and another coworker (who was behind the counter prepping food for us) were asking me questions about the quality of my sleep and how much recovery time I take every week. I was extremely tired yesterday, and it couldn’t be more obvious. Their concern was refreshing. The one next to me asked, “Why are you doing so much so soon?” Out of my mouth fell all of these red flag words and phrases that I even found surprising.
“The other women in our hiking group are so much faster than me, and I think it’s because I’m bigger than them. I know that I’m more muscular than they are, but I want to be fast too.”
“When you get up on the mountain, they’re going to be hurting and you will be fine. Trust me.” Although I knew his comforting words made sense, my frame of mind has not shifted one bit. I’m still focused on the weight thing even though I know for sure than my long term endurance is just as strong if not stronger than most of the women on the team. It’s bugging me. One of the main reasons why I wanted so badly to be in good shape, play sports and dance and all of that is so I wouldn’t think this way. Health has very little to do with vanity. I’ve succumbed to the very thing I always hated while growing up. It was purely accidental.
I am not going to put any effort into undoing the damage. I’m going to focus on the endurance and stamina-improving benefits of the training and forget about everything else. Getting faster may have absolutely nothing to do with weight. This is what I’m counting on.
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