a dream about doves

In a massive ballroom decked out like a country club wedding reception, a small boy broke open his birthday piñata. A dove with a yarn leash fell out. The boy skipped off with his new toy in tow, flapping its wings in panic behind him. My eyes followed the dove as it attempted to fly away. When it came to the end if its tether, it strained against it and I caught a glimpse of something above us.

Dozens of white doves lined the rafters. They were all perched practically motionless - silent and calm with alertness in their eyes that was very much alive.  Many of them were thin with missing feathers from weeks of neglect – symbols used for celebrations past and forgotten. They were trapped by the grand architecture of the ballroom.  Twenty feet below the the dying birds, the oblivious crowd cheered, drank and danced. I was horrified. I pulled out my phone and called for help (animal rescue?). As I explained to the man on the other end how serious the situation was, I followed the boy out into the courtyard in hopes of getting ahold of the dove to set it free.

Upon spotting a group of children playing outside, the boy lost interest in the dove and released the leash. I took the bird in my hands and looked for a way to remove the leash as its panicked flapping subsided. His beak was broken as a person’s nose would be – misaligned and bloody. There were tiny blood splatters on his head. My heart sank. I couldn't set him free because he would surely die without medical attention.  I held the dove gently against my chest and felt his warm belly against my palm.  For a moment we were both absolutely still, gazing out over the sea of people as we waited for help to arrive.

Then I woke up.

What does it mean?

I made it!

The past several months of depression have been peppered with the occasional fun social evening. If not for obligation, I'd probably have no social life left at all. Now that I'm finally shaking off the weight of pessimism and self doubt, I feel soooooooo much better. It all began with my injury on Mt. Shasta, of which I was in complete denial. I was broken. At the moment when feeling small against the vastness of nature's glory is supposed to liberate a person, I instead felt crushed. I didn't want to sit and cry with the support group or hear encouraging words; I wanted to disappear. In some ways, I did. No one knew my heart. I didn't open up to a single person. When I sought professional help, the flaming hoops were more than I could handle. There was no avoiding the numbness.

I feel light, unencumbered, and incredibly relieved. I have a bit of work to get my affairs back in order, but I tell you that's nothing compared to feeling hopeless and uninspired. Phew. One day at a time, and I appreciate each little thing that makes me happy.

not all funk is good funk

The past month has been very challenging. I’m beginning to feel things turn around now. I suppose the change is mostly in my perspective though. My closest friend at work and my closest friend at home have both moved on to their new lives with grace. I. on the other hand, feel stuck. I’ve stopped doing the things that make me happy: writing, reading, working out, dancing. I’ve fallen into gambling, binge drinking/eating, isolation, laziness and just all around moodiness. I would consider myself a functional depressed person in comparison to most people, but I’m a far cry from what a happy me looks like.

I have moments of clarity, when I consider picking my yoga and meditation practices back up again, but I somehow talk myself out of it. I know how to get out of this funk, but I just haven’t done it. I guess this is how people feel when they’re depressed? I attempted to go to Kaiser for therapy. I threw myself into their hamster wheel, convinced that all the hoop-jumping would eventually pay off. In the end they stuck me with a woman who was so frail and afraid that I pitied her. I felt like I should be the one holding the pen and clipboard. Her persistent haranguing voicemail messages fell on deaf ears. There was no way that woman was going to help talk anybody out of a rut unless she was the punishment for staying in it. Poor thing.

It’s not just me. Of course it never is, but I’m completely self-absorbed. I’ve noticed some of my coworkers withdrawing. I don’t have much opportunity to observe anyone else since I don’t go out anymore unless someone threatens to come to my house. I hosted a video game party at the office last week, and many of us were more tipsy than we’d been in each other’s presence in years, YEARS! We needed some fun so badly that I’ve been asked to host another one in 2 weeks. Although I am excited about it, I have to remind myself of how to share my toys.

walking in the realm of fear

Today during lunch I watched Iyanla and Tony.  They didn’t have to share the spotlight this time.  These people are so much better solo.

Anyway, today’s message to me is to be courageous. 

Iyanla said that she created a vision for the direction of her life, and where she ended up was better than anything she could have imagined.  The first step is creating the vision to move you forward, out of the box.  You have to keep the vision as you would a fetus (you are pregnant with vision), taking great care with it and keeping it safe and healthy.  You can’t tell everyone about your vision.  You can’t ignore when you feel that your vision is being harmed by your behavior.

Tony, on the other hand, went about it the enthusiastic way.  Get up, get physical!  Change your posture and position.  Use the physiology of emotion in your favor.  You need 3 things to succeed: strategy (the right method of achieving your goal), Story (create your own story that helps you instead of hindering you) and state (change your perspective and outlook).

Everyone has fear.  Instead of using the fear to make excuses not to take risks, take risks that, regardless of the outcome, will enhance your life experience.  Even if you fail, you will be enriched.  So, what this means to me is that I’m back to writing as revelation.  Yes, it’s uncomfortable.  No, it doesn’t matter if I sell a book.  Yes, it will make me happy.

something else beyond my control

I attended a friend’s wedding recently.  I arrived late and missed the 20-minute ceremony.  I parked my car near where Twin Peaks and I were supposed to meet prior to driving to the wedding location and waited. At that point, the only way we could possibly be on time is if she was already there.  She was delayed an additional 15 or so minutes with an over-cautious bus driver.  I wasn’t angry; I'd spent my waiting time quelling my irritation before she showed up. 

We got there just in time for the photos.  At the reception, there was an older gentleman at our table with his three friends.  Not only had I forgotten that he was the speaker who made a moving presentation at our office about gratefulness several weeks prior, but I was also unaware that he performed the wedding ceremony.  He found the way I spoke with casual familiarity with everyone at the table extremely offensive.  That became apparent when I swore in the middle of a funny story.  I apologized when I saw his face all scrunched up, but he countered with, “You’re not sorry.”  When I didn't respond, he repeated himself.  For the rest of the time we were there, I ignored him.  I do realize that I would also be offended if someone didn’t recognize me as an important player at an event, but at that point there was no remedying the situation anyway.  I couldn't think of anything to say that would remedy the situation.  In my experience, anything you say will just lead into an argument when you're talking to someone who doesn't like you.

Since that day, it stands out in my mind.  I’m disappointed by how it overshadows the joy of my friends’ union in my memory.  If I do see him again I can apologize again (although I doubt that it would make any difference), but right now I need to let go of the negative emotions associated with that experience.  I can’t change what a person thinks of me nor should I concern myself with doing so.  After all it’s their choice, not mine.

Observing Life

It never ceases to amaze me how much double-standard behavior goes on in daily life. Everyone wants to be handled with kid gloves but they don’t use that same consideration for others. Let’s take telling the truth for instance; everyone says they want you to tell the truth but when you do they act like you’ve just spit on them. Even if what you said is completely neutral and just stating facts, they feel as though it was a personal attack and react emotionally. I do it occasionally, and I did it all the time when I was younger. It confuses me when people I consider logical and emotionally intelligent have this reaction. I obsess about it for days, wondering whether or not I meant anything by it. I run through it over and over. Was there a better way to say it? Should I have just said what they needed to hear? Did I know what that was at the time? Was I insensitive? It usually ends there. Of course I was insensitive. Everyone is on occasion, and that has been a common complaint about me for years. After I’ve gone through this process, I often find myself having learned nothing more than patience. Patience is the one thing most lacking in my life. It’s funny how you receive the things you’ve asked for.


I find comfort in old songs and sayings I’d forgotten – coming in contact with something that hasn’t changed is surprisingly calming. I’ve also reconnected with dear friends from the past. Although I am seemingly always unsure of what’s on the horizon or even my own mood from day to day, I wouldn’t describe this phase as a struggle. When I filled my days with anxiety and my nights with sensation-seeking, I had so much to talk about and a ridiculously tight schedule (not to mention Plans B and C and so on). My life now looks boring in comparison, but I don’t feel bored at all. There are subtleties that I never noticed before.

Happy 38th?

I haven't been maintaining my relationships very well lately. I initially wanted to complain about waking up alone and hung over on my birthday, but that's not how things work anymore. I've been traveling for the past couple of weeks: unpacking, spending the night in hotel rooms, repacking and lugging my suitcases to and fro. I love seeing new stuff and screwing around in another city with rowdy strangers, but I am dog tired. I flew back from Houston last night and rang in my birthday with the local crew. I spent the previous night in a backwoods juke joint. Today I'm going to take mom's stuff out of storage and set it up for her arrival on Tuesday. Once she gets here, it's gonna get mighty real in this bitch. Should be interesting. Tomorrow I gotta go to work and prep for another meeting at HQ. Phew! I could use a full night's sleep.

Oh! By the way, life is hilarious. What would we do if we couldn't laugh about this madness?

UGH!

Yesterday, as I was getting out of the car, my knee pinched so intensely that it buckled. Yes, I know what it means. I just don’t care! We’re going to have to find another method of dealing with the patella femoral issue. The recommended inactivity isn’t working for me. My ass and waistline grew three damned sizes over six months, and I refuse to let it continue.

I gave up breakfast burritos in favor of 9-grain cereal with fruit instead of sugar. I cut myself down to one meat meal a day and one fried item a week. I had a dessert today for the first time in almost two weeks (because I was out to lunch with a work group). I’ve begun drinking a 30g whey and soy protein shake as soon as I get out of bed, replacing flavored drinks with yerba mate tea and taking acai and fiber supplements. I have an hour of cardio 4 times a week and strength training 3 times a week. When I say that I am not going back to inactivity, I really mean it! I’m sick of being weak and bloated. I’m going to have a “this is what you are going to do with me from now on” talk with Dr. Hotness. I just can’t take this shit anymore. I looked at myself in the mirror last night when I was doing my physical therapy exercises, and I was disgusted. To have been in such great shape at this same time last year and now to be like this is just pathetic. Seriously, I am spittin’ mad about this now. It has gone on long enough.
To add insult to injury, I have to pay every time I see him. Fix it already, dammit!

A long way to go

I finished "A New Earth " today. The book has had a profound effect on me. I'm much more comfortable not knowing what to do with my life.

I don't think I've ever been sure of what I wanted to be when I grew up. After finding out that fighter pilots were required to have perfect vision, I was stumped. That was 5th grade. I watched my father and teacher plan my career as an Air Force desk jockey, and I knew I would have no part of it.

On and off I dream of being an author, but I always talk myself out of it. I don't know if anyone really wants to read what I write, and, for some reason, friends don't count. Why would a complete stranger have any interest whatsoever in my stories? Then, after reading "A New Earth ", I remembered that the writer is not the focus. The story is ready to be told, and the writer is the vessel. I have to put the future of the piece out of my mind and just be present, feeling the flood of creativity and emotions that accompany it. Where the story goes once it's finished should not influence me. I need a whole lot of work there.

I have difficulty accepting the way things are, especially when it comes to where I am in comparison to where I believe I was expected to be by now. All I ever desired as a child was praise. I still look for it now, but I am never satisfied when I receive it. I'm always looking for the next thing that's gonna make me feel loved and valued. It's a common dysfunction, no matter where a person is in their life. The biggest lesson I am learning is how to find joy in everything I do. The task isn't as important as the intention behind it. I've got a long way to go to get there, but the work is its own reward.

Night Out with the "Big Girls"

Twin Peaks wants to go to a club that has a "big girls" night tonight. I don't really qualify as a big girl in the normal world, outside of the office where I work with mostly retired and weekend athletes. Hopefully the regulars there won't mind me tagging along. I do have a backup plan to hang out at a trendier spot around the corner. It probably won't come to that, but it never hurts to have a plan B.

Setting New Goals

This is a particularly challenging week. I'm adjusting my sleeping schedule again. I'm bored with going out. I think that is due mostly to my unwillingness to endure the hives and hangovers that accompany alcohol consumption. I haven't figured out how to have a good time with people who are drinking without also partaking. So far it just makes me want to be doing something else.

I agreed to be one of Eduardo's dancing girls in this year's SF Carnivale parade. It sounded fun. At the time I hadn't considered the costume, but it's all I've thought about since then.

I started using the whey protein shake mix I won from Six Star late last year to kick start my metabolism in the morning. I've changed my rest days into pilates, core and physical therapy. I'm having hot cereal with fruit and nuts for breakfast and vegetarian lunches. I haven't gotten the dinner situation together yet. Dinner is hard because it's a family time meal, and the fam doesn't eat healthy often unless I cook. Cooking would be nice, but not realistic with my schedule. I'm considering either smoothies or juicing. I want to get down within range of where I need to be in order to feel comfortable in the parade costume - 7 to 12 days of intense training and calorie counting away from show shape. I'm encouraged. I haven't received the green light to go back to running, but I can still dance! I felt lost without a fitness regimen, goal and timeline. I'm finally back and soooo happy about it.

These past several months have been humbling due to how little stamina I have in comparison to when I was running. Taking time off from visiting the gym now reduces me to couch potato status (or at least as close as I ever want to get). All things considered, I have accepted my current situation as reality. I am not a runner. It's difficult to say. No matter how much I want those endorphins and freedom from food concerns, I must be good to my body. My muscular imbalances need to be addressed NOW, before I end up with a debilitating injury. I am going to follow doctor's orders for a change.

I am not my pain.

Since I started journaling regularly again, I find the lines of personal and public writing a bit blurred. Instead of fighting it, I thought this morning, maybe I should embrace the colliding of these worlds.


A friend from high school asked if I would attend our 20-year reunion. I have a lot of anxiety around reunions because I was such a train wreck back then. The whirlwind of sexual exploits and alcohol abuse that filled those years is something distant, as though it was a story I read instead of my actual life. I was so young, angry and full of pain. I hated the life and experiences that made me. I wanted to drink it away, fuck it away, whatever. I wanted my life to disappear and just leave me empty; I was certain that would be better than the reality of what I felt. I had so many overwhelming emotions and so little support. I couldn’t trust. I was like a small, frightened wild animal – I attacked anyone who tried to help me. It was a mess. This is why I have no children. I couldn’t bear the thought of bringing another life into this world to relive that whole cycle all over again, and I had no idea how to stop it except to make myself the end of the line. It ends with me… or so I assumed. It didn’t occur to me that there are hordes of others just like me all over the world, struggling to feel like a whole person and to accept themselves as a human beings deserving of love and happiness. Although we feel alone, there are so many of us.

Through the really hard work, going to therapy to try and remember some of the experiences I blocked out and confronting my abusers, I trusted my therapist. It was the first time I felt like I wasn’t being judged for what happened to me. Revealing everything I could remember was a hugely liberating experience. I still had hang-ups with my family and falling back into those same old roles when we were together, but I was making progress. I had a safe space to really figure out how I felt. I didn’t have to be concerned with how my voice would affect other people. It isn’t my responsibility to protect the reputation of the person who wronged me, no matter who they are. Once I realized that, everything else began to change for the better.

I was estranged from my family for a while, as would be expected. There was some disbelief at first, of course, but I wasn’t swayed from my path. I didn’t need them to acknowledge what happened to me, I just needed to tell them. I knew they wouldn’t be very supportive.

The final peg clicked into its hole when I took my mom and brother to therapy with me individually. They had completely opposite reactions. My mother became stoic and uncooperative, my brother opened up in a way that I’d never seen before. Upon observing and hearing them, I realized that they were as screwed up as I was – maybe even worse since I was open and ready to change. My selfishness and complete disregard for them waned. They were people too, with pain they weren’t ready to deal with yet. I had to respect that. At least they came. They loved me that much.

I’m not sure where we are as a family unit these days. I suppose we’re in transition. Our roles are no longer clear. I’m okay with it. I talk to my brother a lot – a complete 180 from how we were as kids. Our mom, well, I think she’s running. I don’t know what happened to her, but whatever it was she doesn’t want to revisit it again, ever. She’s an old woman now. She has earned the right to spend her remaining years doing whatever she chooses… except for telling me what to do. We’re still working on that part.

every day a new lesson in letting go

The closer I feel to surrender, the more opposition I discover inside myself. It seems that my favorite ego-driven practice is taking offense to something. Bear in mind that I'm probably the worst offender I know. It's true that the qualities that you find most unappealing in other people are merely reflecting what you dislike about yourself.

That's Miss Asshole to you.

I slept well last night... until about 5:30AM, when I awoke with the nagging feeling that I had made an ass of myself. Sometimes I wonder why people put up with it. I said something mean -spirited to a guy I work with. I didn't even give it a second thought until another person commented on it. Although the commenter meant it light -heartedly, I took it quite seriously and examined the motivation behind my snarky retort. What it comes down to is my constant self-depreciation. I am rarely (if ever) satisfied with anything I do. I can't even take a compliment! If I'm so critical of myself, it makes perfect sense that I'd insult someone else to take the focus off me for a while.

Well, I don't want to be that person. There are enough bitches in the world already without me adding another one. I'll just have to find a new, different way to quiet my cold inner judge. Until then, I must be strong enough to endure the stare of my reflection.

I apologized of course. Even though he said it didn't matter, it was important to me that I at least admit my wrongdoing.

Breathing and Inner Peace

When I'm nervous or upset, my breath gets shallow.  I may even hold it.  During my meeting with a lifecoach yesterday, every time we talked about something I found intimidating she had to remind me to breathe.  It's not uncommon.  Most people rarely use their full breathing capacity (except maybe during strenuous exercise), and it's even more rare to witness a person under extreme stress pausing to take a breath.  Can you imagine how many terrible decisions we could all avoid if we just took a moment to breathe before acting or reacting to something?

I was such an angry young person - always just one piece of unpleasant news away from a complete meltdown. Those meltdowns became all-encompassing fits of rage. They got so bad at one point that I completely blacked out, emerging on the other side of an episode without any recollection of what I had done. After that happened, I ran. I avoided situations and people who caused me distress because I didn’t want to lose control again. I was afraid of what might happen. I was afraid of what the consequences would be. I was afraid of myself. I lived with that fear through my twenties. It wasn’t until I took my sabbatical at age 34, when I traveled alone to Thailand to spend two weeks in silence with the mountain monks, that I really became acquainted with my true, centered self. 

Since that trip, I've held fast to the belief that most of us are perfectly capable of creating balance and happiness in our lives if we just SHUT UP AND BE STILL for a damn minute.  If it's not life or death, there's no need to immediately jump into action.  It's important to give ourselves time and space to feel whatever we feel without judgment.

So... My lifecoaching homework (layering on my existing assignment to rebuild my morning and evening meditation practices in 5-minute intervals every week - I'm up to 15 minutes now) is to notice my breathing.  Whenever anything exciting happens, I pause and return to my breathing, making sure it is even and relaxed.  I have some pretty exciting activities planned, so it should be interesting.

Reading for the New World Order

A friend, whom I have known many many years, likes to refer to me as "one of those New World Order people".  It sounds like an elitist group, but that's not what he means.  Anyone who isn't in denial of the state of our world knows that change is happening.  The question is whether or not this change means the evolution of man or its extinction.  I prefer to believe there is still a chance for evolution.

Several months ago, en route to one of my weekend benders in SoCal, I saw a book at the airport bookstore that I wanted to read. I knew that I couldn’t realistically expect to read it during my trip or anytime soon afterwards, so I added it to my “to read” list on my smartphone. Recently, while browsing audiobooks online, I stumbled upon the title again. I still wasn’t ready for it, so I added it to my wish list. Three weeks ago I downloaded it. I listened to it in the car during my commute, and it couldn’t have come at a better time. Then again, I suppose I made the decision to start it when I was ready. “Reinventing the Body, Resurrecting the Soul” by Deepak Chopra has was an eye-opening and refreshing break from the boring recordings I’ve been listening to about discipline, motivation and organization. It centered me.

Buy it from Amazon or Audible

 

What's funny is that I was drawn to this book because of the body image issues.  Listening to it took me out of that frame of mind and into a healthier and more productive one.  This book guides you to look at the bigger picture.  The issue you may have with your body, job, family, relationship or whatever seems to be "holding you back" is the ego trying to disconnect you from the truth.

A person's relationship with their body is a very intimate and revealing one.  It is the best and most honest friend you will ever have.  The body gives cues to let you know when something is out of balance, physically and/or emotionally.  To ignore these cues is to live in a state of denial.  You (the true you) are conscious, independent from the names, titles and labels. It is the consciousness that recognizes the signals your body sends, thoughts in your mind and your ego. Once you are solid in that knowledge, suffering no longer exists.  This brings to mind a common saying from the Baptist and Evangelical religions, "Let go and Let God."  You cannot change the present, so fighting what already exists is just pointless struggle.  To accept what is present, which doesn't mean to condone it but only to acknowlegd that it is here, is the end of suffering. Once you've shed the shallow concerns of ego (vanity, greed, envy and the other "deadly sins", you make room for evolution.  This space is not emptiness; it is purity and potential.  Anything action you take from this place of purity feels right, no matter how challenging it is.  You find that people help you, things fall into place without much effort and your worries lessen.  The real work is keeping yourself in this space.

Pay it Forward

Friday was shaping up to be a momentous party night.  After 40 minutes of unsuccesfully attempting to park in the mission, I decided to instead park by 1015 Folsom and take a cab back to The Putppetmaster's house.  I cracked open the jumbo bottle of champagne and we were off on a trip.  When we all piled into the cab back to 1015, we were already a back seat party.  We only needed to wait for the club crowd to catch up.

Things were going well until just before 1AM, when I ran into a girlfriend who was completely wasted.  I'd seen her super drunk before, and this was something else entirely.  I took her outside because I thought she might either pass out or be sick.  I figured the cold air would do her some good... and it did... for about an hour... during the peak of the party.  When we got back to the club, she was still a bit fuzzy but she could hold herself up and follow a conversation.  We ran into the friends she had come with and that was the last I saw of her that night.  My buzz was practically gone, but my peeps were still going strong so I gave them until 3AM to work it out.  I drove Puppetmaster and Twin Peaks to get some Mexican food and then dropped them each off at home before I headed back over the bridge.  I was tired, not so much physically as mentally.

When I woke up with a headache the next morning, it was an irritating reminder that I had done something nice for another person.  Deposit one coin in the karma bank.

Occupy Oakland

I've had my doubts about the Occupy Movement for quite some time now. Yesterday the protesters damaged the YMCA. Really? Are you taking action against one of the few the facilities where lower income senior citizens can afford to use the pool? I can understand why they made a mess of city hall to some degree, but I think we all know that none of this lawless behavior is going to accomplish what we truly desire. You cannot fight fire with fire. The old saying was coined by someone who didn't have the opportunity that we have to affect change. I strongly believe that the best way to battle the powerful forces in this country is to make a statement with how you spend your money. We already know that a Capitalist society gives power to money. If we take our business away from those corporations involved in practices we oppose, they will have no choice but to listen to our demands.

Meanwhile, I know that the unemployed need an outlet, and I'm 100% in support of peaceful protest. For goodness sake, just don't dumb it down! The more violent incidents happen, the more opposition there will be. Eventually the victim will be seen as the criminal.

(photo courtesy of M. Dillon)

Check your ego at the door.

Just as there are numerous websites and TV programs advertising the newest way to lose weight and have a perfect body, there is also a self-acceptance movement gaining strength. “Your body is not wrong.” “Start a revolution. Stop hating your body.” I like where this is going. I totally need this too! I need to accept myself the way I am and feel comfortable in my own skin. The few pounds I’ve put on during the past year need love.  The more I fight my current situation, the worse I feel.  It's just not healthy.



I finished the Deepak Chopra book and started listening to the audio recording of “A New Earth” by Eckhart Tolle. It’s blowing my mind. I find myself either responding verbally to the recording or exploring my emotional attachment to a memory that it has evoked. That happens EVERY time I listen to it. It’s often uncomfortable, but I feel like this needs to happen. I can feel myself changing. It’s weird. I mean, everyone changes every day. We are constantly changed by our life experiences, usually without any awareness of it. I can actually feel my mind shifting through the physical reactions in my body. I’ve had some very disturbing memories resurface, and I can feel every fiber in my body tense. I feel just awful when that happens. Instead of pushing that memory out and trying to block the emotional response, I just sit with it. I remind myself that these are things that happened to me or things I’ve done, not who I am. That’s a big part of the book, separating experiences, social archetypes, ego and physical forms from who you are. You are not your body, your role in society, your experiences or any of the things that make up the labels that we commonly use to classify things.


It was good that I went through Deepak’s book first. It prepped me for this one. I’m going to listen to it twice - maybe more. Naturally I still have cynical questions and feedback. Sometimes the concepts just sound too imaginative. I have trouble determining if I’m just having an ego-protective reaction or if what’s being discussed is just confusing or even downright crazy. Since I have been so anti-organized religion most of my life, I’m more open to thinking about many of the concepts. I don’t think I’ve EVER spent so much time figuring out how I feel about spirituality, myself and what makes me truly happy.

I'm in a blissful place right now. I’ve lived my entire life trying to figure out how to label myself and never being satisfied with any. The times when I felt best represented by words were when I described how I felt: I’m hurt, I’m happy, I’m okay, I’m over it. Even the most authentic label or title I could find, I am a writer, still doesn’t quite fit. Labeling myself is so permanent, so limiting. I’m afraid of being trapped (not physically, but by obligation). That is probably the biggest hurdle that I must overcome in my mind. Thankfully, I’m making progress.  Now that I'm convinced that there is no need to feel guilty, confused or lost because I don't have a title, a great weight has been lifted.

dissecting resolutions

The best part of keeping a journal (and a blog) is that I can go back, read what I wrote and find the patterns.  The biggest pattern in the past year or so is how hard I’ve been on myself.  I shook my head while reading some of my training logs.  Do I really intend on having this as a standard?  When people ask me what I’m training for, the answer is usually “life”.  Is life really that physically demanding?    Do I really need to feel so bad when I don’t measure up to what I imagine I should be?  I know so many people who make their lives more difficult by getting in their own way.  I have been one of them.  My reflex is to punish myself for that too.  When did I become this person?  I sound like most of the other single 30-something women I know: self-deprecating perfectionists.  Nothing is ever good enough.  Therefore, why do anything at all.

My resolution is to let all of that go.  Good riddance.