I'm nauseous.
I felt the same way yesterday. I left work two hours earlier than I normally would so I could at least be at home while feeling weird. I did five loads of laundry instead of resting. Oddly, that made me feel much better. How one person living alone piles up five loads of laundry is beyond me. I'm not a lazy person. I guess I just keep myself too busy.
My appetite has been really strange. One minute I feel like I'm starving, the next I'm busying myself with another project that takes me an hour or longer to finish without even thinking of food. After I eat I feel so full that I want to throw up, and it goes on like that for hours. I had a late dinner last night. I woke up sweaty and close to vomiting several times. I thought I was getting sick, but I felt relatively healthy and well rested when I got out of bed at 6:15 this morning.
I've been breaking out in hives every day for almost two weeks, regardless of whether or not I take my 24-hour allergy pill. The pill is getting more and more ineffective it seems... either that or my stress level has become so high that throwing an allergy pill at it is more of a pointless ritual than a treatment.
The center of my stress is money yet again. I've never been good with money. Having all these bills is just making that truth more evident. I'm going to have to stop volunteering for things because I simply cannot afford to keep eating out and buying fuel for unnecessary driving. If I don't spend my entertainment money frivolously, I end up just giving it away! I tell myself that no matter how much I have to stretch the next dollar, helping someone is always worth it. Money is transient anyway. There is enough for everyone. All we have to do is share it. Is someone going to share this stress with me too? How about the nausea?
I really have no room to complain. I have a comfortable apartment, a nice car, good food in my fridge, caring friends to keep me company and a parade of interesting men with jobs and personality asking me out (even without any promise of sex). I have a cush job at a great company that thousands of people would cut their right hand off to work for. So what's with the sourness? And it's not just me - morale around this whole place is shot to Hell. What is happening? I hope it's just the alignment of the planets or some crazy shit. I will be extremely relieved when this cranky phase passes.
Yesterday I was so desperate to be rid of the blues that I almost called an ex to end my abstinence - for no other reason than for it to just be over. Then I thought again about the personality issue. I don't want to deal with any of that. Men like to say that they can have emotion-free sex, but it's a damn lie. No one can do that unless they have a whole lot of it with a whole lot of different people - then they can fool themselves into believing that they feel nothing when what they really feel is confusion. If I were to die tomorrow, I would not regret abstaining. My life isn't missing much. That is the real issue. If I believed that an intimate relationship had some other purpose or benefit in my life than just being a physcial outlet, I would pursue one. At this time, I would be hard pressed to believe that. I suppose it is this elusive "soulmate" people speak of that I am either searching for, waiting for or perhaps even thwarting. I'm not sure what I'm doing as far as that is concerned. I like to believe that I hold some innate knowledge buried inside me would start tingling or set off an alarm when I meet "the one", but seriously... who does that?
Oh well. The good, no GREAT thing is that I am writing again. Please, Fates be kind, let this lead me into rewarding adventure. Get my mind off of these trivialities and back to wandering curiously beyond doldrum.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
good karma and blah blah blah
I’ve been avoiding this blog lately, not for any particular reason (other than being sick of repeating myself). I’ve been out to a few parties but none so great that I would need to go through highlights. I finally popped into Levende East, Oakland’s counterpart to the one in SF. I was impressed by how clean it is. The interior reminds me of Tamarindo, a nouveau-Mexican restaurant just around the corner from Levende. This Old Oakland area has been transforming into quite the trendy spot magnet. One could say that the whole of downtown and surrounding areas has gentrified quickly. Ugh, I hate the way that word sounds like such a good thing. What it really means is that the original culture is being replaced by cookie cutter businesses which could exist just about anywhere. I do think that a lot of these new restaurants and bars are really cute, but they don’t have much character. I’m a fan of anonymity, but if everything is the same shade of grey it sure makes life boring.
I doubt that anyone I have met so far is the next big thing in my love life. I’m even starting to doubt that the next exciting thing in my life will have anything to do with love. I’m circling martial arts again. I do this every few months. When the money isn’t holding me back (like it is right now), there will still be the fear of looking like an idiot. One of these days I am going to realize that I’m really an idiot for letting fear stop me from going for it.
The highlight of the weekend, which just speaks to how uneventful it really was, was when Twin Peaks and I, upon returning from Levende, found a young woman semi-conscious on the curb outside my apartment. We took her upstairs and she passed out on one of the futons. I took her to BART the next afternoon. We didn’t make much conversation. I didn’t push the issue since I’m not interested in making friends who don’t have enough self control to get home on their own.
I’m going with OMB on his “recovery ride” again this week – this evening. I’m secretly hoping it starts raining before I go to meet him. Last Monday was such a humbling experience. I’d better make sure I have enough water anyway. I’m not canceling unless it rains.
I doubt that anyone I have met so far is the next big thing in my love life. I’m even starting to doubt that the next exciting thing in my life will have anything to do with love. I’m circling martial arts again. I do this every few months. When the money isn’t holding me back (like it is right now), there will still be the fear of looking like an idiot. One of these days I am going to realize that I’m really an idiot for letting fear stop me from going for it.
The highlight of the weekend, which just speaks to how uneventful it really was, was when Twin Peaks and I, upon returning from Levende, found a young woman semi-conscious on the curb outside my apartment. We took her upstairs and she passed out on one of the futons. I took her to BART the next afternoon. We didn’t make much conversation. I didn’t push the issue since I’m not interested in making friends who don’t have enough self control to get home on their own.
I’m going with OMB on his “recovery ride” again this week – this evening. I’m secretly hoping it starts raining before I go to meet him. Last Monday was such a humbling experience. I’d better make sure I have enough water anyway. I’m not canceling unless it rains.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
the daily grind
I awoke this morning at 2AM with a runny nose and then again at 5:48 sneezing. I stayed in bed for the remaining twelve minutes until the coffee was ready. Now I am sitting here drinking my morning cup with a box of tissues, hoping that the sneezing and nose running will either stop or lessen so I can get this day started. I have my bike bag and gear by the door ready to go, but I get the feeling that I need to stay out of the elements and drive. If the nose dries up before it’s time to leave, I’m riding. Screw it!
This has been happening on and off for about two weeks now. Usually the symptoms go away midday and return in the middle of the night to disturb my sleep and/or make my morning an endless internal dialogue about the wisdom (or lack thereof) of going to the office. The sneezing fits are brief but violent, leaving me groaning, hunched over and breathing through my mouth. This has been screwing with my already questionable mental state by burning through my PTO hours. On Monday, I sat here and did almost a full day’s worth of work from home, which I will not get paid for since I signed a contract stating that my participation in the 9/80 work schedule makes me ineligible for telecommuting. I have more work that needs to be done today. I am not using vacation hours just to sit at home and do that work for free. I don’t have a fever therefore I am going to work. There’s also the matter of finishing up the kitchen cabinet job over at the Berkeley Food and Housing Project. It’s only a couple of hours work, but who else is actually going to show up and get it done?
I think my body is telling me that it needs more than eight hours of sleep a night to kick out this cold virus. Now all I have to do is find those extra hours each day. Getting home after 8PM isn’t helping. I realized when I was on the phone with KB last night that I needed to multitask almost everything that I needed to do in order to get my ass in bed before 11PM. I still only made it to bed by 10:30 (giving me almost 7.5 hours had I slept solid through the night). How do people with children do this? It’s insane!
This has been happening on and off for about two weeks now. Usually the symptoms go away midday and return in the middle of the night to disturb my sleep and/or make my morning an endless internal dialogue about the wisdom (or lack thereof) of going to the office. The sneezing fits are brief but violent, leaving me groaning, hunched over and breathing through my mouth. This has been screwing with my already questionable mental state by burning through my PTO hours. On Monday, I sat here and did almost a full day’s worth of work from home, which I will not get paid for since I signed a contract stating that my participation in the 9/80 work schedule makes me ineligible for telecommuting. I have more work that needs to be done today. I am not using vacation hours just to sit at home and do that work for free. I don’t have a fever therefore I am going to work. There’s also the matter of finishing up the kitchen cabinet job over at the Berkeley Food and Housing Project. It’s only a couple of hours work, but who else is actually going to show up and get it done?
I think my body is telling me that it needs more than eight hours of sleep a night to kick out this cold virus. Now all I have to do is find those extra hours each day. Getting home after 8PM isn’t helping. I realized when I was on the phone with KB last night that I needed to multitask almost everything that I needed to do in order to get my ass in bed before 11PM. I still only made it to bed by 10:30 (giving me almost 7.5 hours had I slept solid through the night). How do people with children do this? It’s insane!
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
to Hell at the speed of light
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
6:20 AM
Today’s journal entry will also be a blog. Let me remind myself of that before I start naming names.
I stayed home sick yesterday, not because I didn’t feel up to going to work but because I was sneezing and blowing my nose so frequently that it would only make my coworkers paranoid. Today I am still sneezing, but I can’t bear to spend one more day in this apartment. Duty calls.
As an ambassador for the company’s community service program, I research nonprofit organizations and make arrangements with them for my coworkers to come and help them out. My coworkers seem appreciative enough. However, the enthusiasm and excitement they demonstrate is embarrassingly short-lived.
Today we have a small group going out to a halfway home for adults with mental disabilities to refinish their kitchen cabinets. This group originally consisted of a foreman, my counterpart in the community service program, and twelve team members. In the past two work days, I have had half of the team cancel, and I have been unable to recruit replacements. Now, I must also go and be on this short-staffed team and recruit help in finding us (and the residents of the home) lunch while the kitchen is being updated. I had planned on doing that task myself, which also has had its pitfalls. With all the local box lunch caterers requiring over 48 hours advance notice for an order, I assumed that I would spend at least a couple of hours just getting the lunch together. Now I have to try and find someone else to do it for me. I don’t have time to be angry about it, but next time I am not going through all this.
It’s really a symptom of the degradation of our society. There is no value in a person’s word anymore. You can say anything and never back it up, and it doesn’t matter. Case in point, you can say, “I do” and be single again in less than a year. This is what we have “evolved” into.
6:20 AM
Today’s journal entry will also be a blog. Let me remind myself of that before I start naming names.
I stayed home sick yesterday, not because I didn’t feel up to going to work but because I was sneezing and blowing my nose so frequently that it would only make my coworkers paranoid. Today I am still sneezing, but I can’t bear to spend one more day in this apartment. Duty calls.
As an ambassador for the company’s community service program, I research nonprofit organizations and make arrangements with them for my coworkers to come and help them out. My coworkers seem appreciative enough. However, the enthusiasm and excitement they demonstrate is embarrassingly short-lived.
Today we have a small group going out to a halfway home for adults with mental disabilities to refinish their kitchen cabinets. This group originally consisted of a foreman, my counterpart in the community service program, and twelve team members. In the past two work days, I have had half of the team cancel, and I have been unable to recruit replacements. Now, I must also go and be on this short-staffed team and recruit help in finding us (and the residents of the home) lunch while the kitchen is being updated. I had planned on doing that task myself, which also has had its pitfalls. With all the local box lunch caterers requiring over 48 hours advance notice for an order, I assumed that I would spend at least a couple of hours just getting the lunch together. Now I have to try and find someone else to do it for me. I don’t have time to be angry about it, but next time I am not going through all this.
It’s really a symptom of the degradation of our society. There is no value in a person’s word anymore. You can say anything and never back it up, and it doesn’t matter. Case in point, you can say, “I do” and be single again in less than a year. This is what we have “evolved” into.
Monday, April 5, 2010
the blahs and the boy Billie Holiday
It has been one anti-climax after another in my life as of late. I joined a dating service. That lasted about ten days before I deleted my profile. The guys who contacted me were just plain creepy. I’d rather take my chances out on the street. I guess you could say that I’m prowling again, but not with any zeal. From where I’m standing, the chase really seems to be the best part. What am I to do when it’s over?
I’ve talked to a handful of exes on the phone in the past couple of weeks, and I am soooo bored. Maybe companionship isn’t really what I’m looking for. I tried going out to the parties, and now I am bored with those again too. I’d probably do well with another backpacking trip, but I don’t have the vacation time to do it this year. I also really want to do something completely solo. Man, if I won the lottery I could just put on my backpack and go…
I did manage to see a great jazz show last Thursday at the Asian Art Museum’s “MATCHA” mixer: http://www.asianart.org/matcha.htm. The singer was Coco Zhao, nicknamed “the boy Billie Holiday”. The nickname sounds rather ridiculous, but I assure you this was one of the absolute best jazz shows I have ever been to. Shanghai Jazz pays homage to the golden era of jazz here in the 20’s. Coco sings some traditional jazz standards and also some Chinese folk songs to jazz melodies
His voice… I wish I could sing like that. His voice is beautiful and full of emotion. I knew when I agreed to go with Puppetmaster that I would end up staying out past my bedtime (and inherently succumbing to the cold I’d been fighting all week), but I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat. I wish I knew of another Coco show so I could go and see him again.
There’s something new at MATCHA every other month, but the next one I am excited about going to will be the Japanese Ghost Stories on October 28th.
I’ve talked to a handful of exes on the phone in the past couple of weeks, and I am soooo bored. Maybe companionship isn’t really what I’m looking for. I tried going out to the parties, and now I am bored with those again too. I’d probably do well with another backpacking trip, but I don’t have the vacation time to do it this year. I also really want to do something completely solo. Man, if I won the lottery I could just put on my backpack and go…
I did manage to see a great jazz show last Thursday at the Asian Art Museum’s “MATCHA” mixer: http://www.asianart.org/matcha.htm. The singer was Coco Zhao, nicknamed “the boy Billie Holiday”. The nickname sounds rather ridiculous, but I assure you this was one of the absolute best jazz shows I have ever been to. Shanghai Jazz pays homage to the golden era of jazz here in the 20’s. Coco sings some traditional jazz standards and also some Chinese folk songs to jazz melodies
His voice… I wish I could sing like that. His voice is beautiful and full of emotion. I knew when I agreed to go with Puppetmaster that I would end up staying out past my bedtime (and inherently succumbing to the cold I’d been fighting all week), but I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat. I wish I knew of another Coco show so I could go and see him again.
There’s something new at MATCHA every other month, but the next one I am excited about going to will be the Japanese Ghost Stories on October 28th.
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