I'm nauseous.
I felt the same way yesterday. I left work two hours earlier than I normally would so I could at least be at home while feeling weird. I did five loads of laundry instead of resting. Oddly, that made me feel much better. How one person living alone piles up five loads of laundry is beyond me. I'm not a lazy person. I guess I just keep myself too busy.
My appetite has been really strange. One minute I feel like I'm starving, the next I'm busying myself with another project that takes me an hour or longer to finish without even thinking of food. After I eat I feel so full that I want to throw up, and it goes on like that for hours. I had a late dinner last night. I woke up sweaty and close to vomiting several times. I thought I was getting sick, but I felt relatively healthy and well rested when I got out of bed at 6:15 this morning.
I've been breaking out in hives every day for almost two weeks, regardless of whether or not I take my 24-hour allergy pill. The pill is getting more and more ineffective it seems... either that or my stress level has become so high that throwing an allergy pill at it is more of a pointless ritual than a treatment.
The center of my stress is money yet again. I've never been good with money. Having all these bills is just making that truth more evident. I'm going to have to stop volunteering for things because I simply cannot afford to keep eating out and buying fuel for unnecessary driving. If I don't spend my entertainment money frivolously, I end up just giving it away! I tell myself that no matter how much I have to stretch the next dollar, helping someone is always worth it. Money is transient anyway. There is enough for everyone. All we have to do is share it. Is someone going to share this stress with me too? How about the nausea?
I really have no room to complain. I have a comfortable apartment, a nice car, good food in my fridge, caring friends to keep me company and a parade of interesting men with jobs and personality asking me out (even without any promise of sex). I have a cush job at a great company that thousands of people would cut their right hand off to work for. So what's with the sourness? And it's not just me - morale around this whole place is shot to Hell. What is happening? I hope it's just the alignment of the planets or some crazy shit. I will be extremely relieved when this cranky phase passes.
Yesterday I was so desperate to be rid of the blues that I almost called an ex to end my abstinence - for no other reason than for it to just be over. Then I thought again about the personality issue. I don't want to deal with any of that. Men like to say that they can have emotion-free sex, but it's a damn lie. No one can do that unless they have a whole lot of it with a whole lot of different people - then they can fool themselves into believing that they feel nothing when what they really feel is confusion. If I were to die tomorrow, I would not regret abstaining. My life isn't missing much. That is the real issue. If I believed that an intimate relationship had some other purpose or benefit in my life than just being a physcial outlet, I would pursue one. At this time, I would be hard pressed to believe that. I suppose it is this elusive "soulmate" people speak of that I am either searching for, waiting for or perhaps even thwarting. I'm not sure what I'm doing as far as that is concerned. I like to believe that I hold some innate knowledge buried inside me would start tingling or set off an alarm when I meet "the one", but seriously... who does that?
Oh well. The good, no GREAT thing is that I am writing again. Please, Fates be kind, let this lead me into rewarding adventure. Get my mind off of these trivialities and back to wandering curiously beyond doldrum.
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