Monday, November 24, 2008

Home, James

The waiting continues. I've been at the airport for almost 2 hours standing in a series of lines and answering questions. I spent my last $10 on a ham sandwich and water at the Bangkok airport, so I'm waiting here for Secret Squirrel to pick me up. I didn't realize it would be such a challenge to find a ride on a Monday evening, but I guess that's because I'm used to just jumping in my own car and taking off whenever I please.

The past week has been a tight squeeze budget-wise. I can't wait to get home so I can have access to money again. No matter how much contempt I have for it, I know I must have it to survive. There's no way to avoid that.

Upon receiving my pack from baggage claim, I started to feel depressed. I looked ahead of me to the long line of travelers waiting to have their belongings inspected, and I thought, 'I really wish I was somewhere else'. I haven't been able to get in contact with my mom yet either.

I can't believe it's over already. I'm trying my best not to want to turn the clock back since it's futile to think that way. I'm certain that what I need right now, more than anything, is a good meal and a solid 10 hours of sleep. I feel drained in every possible way. I'll catch up with you all later.
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Sunday, November 23, 2008

Huh?

Ok, something weird just happened. After taking a detour away from the regular route, which has the street blocked off, our bus was boarded by some guys wearing helmets and bandannas over their faces. When they started to argue with the driver and fare collectors, passengers began to make a hasty exit. This is where me being black and from the ghetto really kicked in. I had my pack on and was off that bus before I could take my next breath.

The guys on the bus were being trailed by an ambulance. Since I can't understand Thai and no one on the bus with me spoke English (or maybe they did but didn't want to say anything to me), I still have no idea what the hell was going on. There were a couple guys dressed in military uniforms talking to a few passengers across the street, and others took out their cell phones to call and tell someone they would be running late or whatever. I waited until long after the incident to take out my phone, hoping I could try and make some sense of it first.

As we passed more barricaded streets, police presence multiplied. In an area I walked through yesterday, which had also been another surreal experience, it was heavy with uniforms and cops whistling for passers-by to stop looking and keep driving. Yesterday, I somehow gained access to a tent city outside a hotel surrounded by wrought iron security gates. In the parking lot were two Bentleys, an exotic sports car that appeared to be from the 1970's and a handful of benzes.

The tent city people were lying together in large groups under canopies and looked as though they were doing nothing. The strange part is that the area was fenced off, but they still allowed me to walk through. No one could speak English to tell me why I shouldn't...and I did ask. I'm thinking it was some sort of peaceful protest. There is a civil disturbance here between supporters of the king and those who believe he is too corrupt to be in power. It's always the same issue no matter where you are.

Well, I'm on my way to the airport to wait out the few hours I have left in Thailand in the nice air-conditioned terminals. I'm waiting at Hua Lamphong (again) for the train to the shuttle stop. It has been a good trip and I hope to return soon, but I think the signs are all pointing towards home now. See y'all in a blink.
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Saturday, November 22, 2008

Well Whatta Ya Know

The old cranky disgruntled German dude from the retreat told me something that has turned out to be true. I showed him one of my mosquito bites - red, hot, swollen up the size of half a golf ball and firm like a muscle - and he said that once you stay in a place long enough, you stop having an allergic reaction to the bites. His theory was that I would have to remain in Chaiya to develop immunity to its mosquitos' venom, but it appears that it works throughout Thailand. The mosquitos attacked me when I got off the train this morning before I reapplied repellent, but the bites haven't swollen at all. In fact, they don't really itch that much either. I guess it's not of much consequence since I'm leaving in a couple of days, but I find it fascinating.

There was a quote on the back cover of the book we were given during the retreat. It was from Buddha, so it said. This is not exactly verbatim, but it went something like this. When a person becomes deeply devoted in his faith, he discovers that all religions are in essence the same. I remember that above everything else I read in that book.

My room here at Roof View Place is similar to the guest house, but this place is very well maintained and each room has a TV, air conditioning and a fridge. There is a balcony that looks out onto Samsen Soi 6, another of Bangkok's many bustling alleys. There is a biker bar across from the hotel. The balcony has a clothes drying rack and line, so I washed all of my clothes. It is so hot that most of them are already dry.

I didn't make it to a temple because all the ones on the map are a little further than I wanted to walk in the heat today. I found a hole in the wall cafe and had a late lunch after checking in and dropping the pack in my room. I'd waited too long to eat, so I just came back to the hotel and did my laundry instead of wandering the streets.

I was out on the balcony hanging my clothes when I noticed a beautiful gilded roof just a few buildings over. It appears that there is either a school or temple a few steps down the alley in the direction opposite from the main street. I'm going to investigate that in the morning. If it's a temple, I may run into the monks walking around with their bowls. I wonder if they'll eat Clif Bars.

When I go to sleep three nights from tonight, it will be in my own bed. Oh wait, maybe not. He he he. Did I mention that I think The Rock is freaking gorgeous? The Star Movie channel loves him this week, and I am loving the Star Movie channel. Thank you satellite television.
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Friday, November 21, 2008

Dirty, Crowded Bangkok

Once again I'm at my familiar perch outside the train and metro stations, but the homeless guy on crutches isn't here. There was a European guy panhandling for cab fare, which he was generously given by some Thai travelers and the last 10 baht from me.

It's just before 8AM, and I have several hours before I can check in at the hotel. I have just enough money left to feed myself and get back home, so I'm gonna wait here until time to catch the bus across town. No shopping, no spa. I gave some thought to just walking there, but my pack is significantly heavier than it was last week and it's going to get hot in another couple of hours. I want to go to a temple today, but not with this heavy ass bag.

Some dude asked me for a cigarette. After lighting it, he started talking to me, but of course I have no idea what he said - lol. I thought to ask him where I must stand to catch the 53 bus (I have it written on a slip of paper in numbers and Thai letters in case I get lost someplace where no one speaks English), but I figured I should probably let him be on his way sooner rather than later. He may be crazy. Also, if it requires a walk, how the hell is he supposed the give me directions if he doesn't speak English? I'm not following anyone anywhere.

I didn't sleep very well on the train last night. It was rocking a lot, and I kept feeling like I was going to roll out of the top bunk and fall down. Every time I woke up I checked the clock and only an hour or two had passed. That was annoying. It was also unusually noisy with restless people walking around and talking all night long. The guy across from me was snoring, belching and farting. A little girl in the spot beside him was sick, and she passed the night coughing, sneezing and whining - poor thing.

I don't care where you are - dogs look funny wearing clothes. I know that sounds random, but some lady has her dog here in a multi-colored daisy outfit. Ridiculous.

I feel sticky from mosquito repellent, and I want a shower but I'm not going to use the station showers when I know I'll have a private one later. To be honest, I'm sick of waiting for everything. I'm not very patient. It's going to take more than this one trip to change that.

Although I'm not ready to be behind the wheel in traffic again, I am ready to go home. I miss always knowing where I am, what there is to do and how to get there. I am learning how to traverse this city, but speaking only English is a huge hindrance.

I'm really enjoying Alex's book. I'm almost done reading it. The author makes me want to find some way to hit the road for an extended trip.

I wouldn't mind living in Thailand for a few months, Chiang Mai specifically. I could take a Thai language immersion course and some cooking classes. The treks have too much of a gawking tourist feel to them, but I'd like to have a go at the motorcycle tour through the countryside. I'd like to go with boys so we can race. LOL! Some things never change I guess.
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Thursday, November 20, 2008

More Waiting

I'm getting good at this. I have three hours before boarding the train back to Bangkok. I was just sitting here at this cafe with my iced coffee and listening to the Thai radio station when I noticed that my thumb is peeling deep in the corner where the nail growth meets the cuticle. It reminded me of something I'd purposely forgotten to save myself from unnecessary grief and worry.

I think I mentioned that the retreat grounds were a breeding ground for mosquitos with its stagnant ponds and multiple open wells. It was also a breeding ground for fungus since everything was always wet, and chemical disinfectant or cleanser usage is minimal (except in the bathrooms). I'm a bit of a germaphobe, so I had to get over myself rather quickly. I even tried to lessen my soap and lotion usage while I was there to help protect nature's delicate balance.

On the 6th day, I started to worry about parasites again because my thumb had been gradually swelling and had become tender in the aforementioned area. When I used my lighter to light my lantern that evening, it throbbed. I dismissed it as bruising caused by using the unreliable lighter, but I had the nagging thought in the back of my mind that no amount of striking could have made that lighter the culprit. I thought about that movie where The Rock was warned not to pee in the water because parasites could swim up the urine stream. It freaked me out for a little while. Eventually I told myself that, no matter what happens, I wasn't going to die at this place. No one has ever had to be rushed to the hospital in the organization's history, and I certainly was not going to be the first.

The next day, after finishing my chore of wiping down the tables in the cafeteria after breakfast, I started poking at my thumb again and feeling it to see if it had gotten any worse. It had, and it was starting to take on a greenish tinge. I noticed a little hangnail sticking out between the edge of the nail bed and the cuticle. I pulled it out and a bubble of thick yellow puss sprouted from where it had been. I felt the nausea pass over me, I stopped in my tracks and began waved my hand hysterically for a few seconds. I gathered my wits, told myself to slow my breathing down and keep walking. I took a tissue out of my pocket, pressed it against the opening and squeezed my thumb against it.

It was disgusting - truly. However, I could rest easy that it hadn't been a parasite after all. It was just a fungal infection, and I had stocked my pack with everything I'd need to treat it and keep it from recurring. From then on, I said screw the delicate natural balance. I used soap on everything from the tables I cleaned to the floor of my cell (yes, I said cell because that is as close as I ever plan to get to being in prison). I bet I looked incredibly foolish all lathered up in my sarong every day after lunch, but I didn't give a rat's ass how I looked.

I'm sure my incessant cleaning and disinfecting made me run out of mosquito repellent even faster, but I had no choice given my obsessive personality and my determination to ride out the entire retreat until the very end.

Well, I made it. Good for me - lol. Now if I could just focus some of that will and determination into something more practical.

I can't help but wonder how this experience is going to change my life. I have to keep reminding myself to stay here in the moment. This might be the last minute, the last hour, the last day. It would be a shame to waste it fantasizing about what may or may not happen tomorrow.
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Wednesday, November 19, 2008

More "what is that" Moments

Most train stations are seemingly nothing but a strip mall of lean-tos created from scrap metal and plastic banners tied together. Although the majority of these stalls are booths selling a variety of wares and food (scary), some of them appear to be residences. Many homes look like abandoned buildings ready for the wrecking ball, that is except for the brand new car in the driveway. I wonder how someone living in a dilapidated shack can afford a Lexus SUV. Hell, I can't even afford one!

Dogs, cats and chickens all live together here without conflict. Most of these animals are expected to stay out of the way and entertain themselves. Some of them don't receive any care. They wander around, free to roam wherever they please. They are so accustomed to being ignored that they don't really know how to respond to human attention. I pet one at the monastery in Chaiya, and for the rest of visit he did annoying things like chewing on someone's backpack and digging holes - making sure to always stay where I could see him misbehaving. The monks don't believe in chastising animals because they are only behaving naturally. Mmhmm. I found myself having a conversation with a dog outside one of the temples here in Chiang Mai. He seemed to understand me better than any of the people I spoke to that day. He sat there paying close attention while I talked - looking at me with his head cocked to the side when I started to mumble and wagging his tail whenever I glanced at him.

The way people ride motorcycles and scooters here is just plain crazy. You can see 3 people and their groceries all on one bike. They dip between cars, through oncoming traffic and on the sidewalks. They sometimes ride the wrong way on one way streets. At least 90 percent of them wear helmets, and there are surprisingly few accidents. I don't think I could ride here because it's just too dangerous, but I've felt relatively safe as a passenger.

I've got a blood smear and the remains of a large insect on my sock and inside my shoe. Was it feasting on me or just taking refuge in my shoe when it met its end? Is this my blood? Did I take my malaria pill today?

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bringing it back

As I am approaching the end of my trip, I'm trying to jog my memory of all that has passed before my eyes and through my ears. I'm sitting in the hotel room in silence thinking about the retreat and the fears and concerns of others who attended with me.

The fears are always the same; we're either wondering how something will affect the future or if something from the past can be forgiven or recaptured. The most popular concern of the retreat attendees is, "what is going to happen when I get back home?" We wonder how we will be able to reconnect ourselves with what we have over here when we are back over there. Really, it makes no difference. Over here, over there, I am who I am regardless of my location. If I make the choice to embrace the calm and peace of a simpler life, no change of scenery or spoken language will deter me. Most importantly if I hit a bump in the road, it's just a bump.

There is no age limit on the pursuit of what makes you happy. It doesn't care if you take a break or start over from the beginning. It doesn't need to be perfect. It doesn't compare itself to someone else's happiness. It just exists, even when you can't see it or touch it. It is waiting for you to stop punishing yourself. it will wait as long as it takes...even if you never show. I keep telling myself this because it is the only way I can really feel free.

The irony in being a human is that we have such awesome potential to create our own destinies, but we choose to spend our lives competing and acquiring things that, in the end, we don't even really want. I mean, everyone (including me) says they want to have enough money to not have to worry about money, but that's an unrealistic concept. The more you have, the more you absolutely must worry about it. The more stuff you have, the more time and energy you spend maintaining and looking after it. It owns you. One day you wake up, ten years have just vanished, and you're still greasing the wheels of the machine. I used to think of it as sad or depressing, but it's not simply black or white - good or bad. It's no use hating it because I can't change the world. It's no use loving it because the very thing I love about it can be gone tomorrow. I can control what I do and that is all. It's crazy that I've spent so much of my life either purposely or accidentally being out of control when my self is the only thing I have any measure of control over. That's sounds like a one way ticket to insanity. No wonder teenagers are nuts.

I've been thinking about this with increasing frequency, even before the trip - many years ago long before I started working at CB&C. I said I wanted a small farm in a rural town where I knew all my neighbors and could live a comfortable and peaceful life as the town weirdo. Every town has one and I figured if it was me, that would be one safe and friendly town. It might be boring, but I could always shake it up a little with some of my kooky antics, especially if that was expected of me.

Now, I'm not sure where I belong, if there is such a place. I'm starting to think that a quiet place is better for me to visit than to live in. Maybe I can take some of that quiet with me back home and give everybody a little piece of it. It is so nice, you guys. At home I never get a chance to sit in uninterrupted silence and just watch the leaves fall from the trees without any upcoming appointments or any time limits. I watched them so long that I think I may have fallen asleep with my eyes open. I slept deeply and never worried. I think that's a fair trade for a little boredom, don't you? I want to come back again next year. I gotta remember to bring more bug repellent. My legs and feet look like they went to war and just barely made it out alive.

Maybe having a small farm isn't such a bad idea. I just don't wanna shovel cow shit. I could become a vegetarian. LOLOLOLOL! Yeah right.
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I can't wait

To get the hell out of here and back home so I can have a burger! I could just be scarred by my KFC experience, but I'm not taking that chance again. Once I get home I'll be fine. I want a juicy 1/4 lb bacon cheese burger with lettuce, tomato, grilled onions and mustard. Mmmmmm. Is it terrible that I miss food more than I miss people?

So I got bored last night and went the night bazaar that all the guides talk about and WOW! It's huge! There is every kind of thing for sale from clothing to jewelry to furniture to music and instruments. The music stall was playing Summertime when I passed it. I had to do a double-take.

I bought two sarong skirts, two summer dresses (yeah I know but she kept bringing the price down as I was walking away), a sequin ed t shirt and a pair of leather sandals all for less than $60. The most expensive item was the sandals, which were almost $20, but when I saw them I had to have them. That's never a good position to negotiate from. Good thing I didn't come here first or I wouldn't have had a chance to see anything else.

My walk in the unmapped direction revealed miles and miles of craft shops. You can watch people painting, sewing, knitting, woodcarving, stringing beads, spinning clay and whatever else you can think of. There are these lotus flowers in wooden cases that are made from carving petals from bars of soap. I have no idea why anyone would buy that, but it does exist. You can buy something from the craftmaker or you can place an order and watch it come to life. After last night, I wasn't buying anything else but it entertained me for a few hours. The craftsman strip is almost 22 miles long, and doesn't begin until about a mile and a half down the road from my hotel, so I only saw a fraction of what's there. I worked up an appetite early today - or it may have something to do with all the beer I drank last night.

It's good that I got outside when I did because it's starting to rain. I hope this isn't going to be another mini-monsoon.
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Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Lazy Life in Chiang Mai

While sitting in the Rod Siang Beer Garden, where you can find me every afternoon around 3PM with a tall bottle of beer and an empty plate in front of me, I realized that I have a routine. I get up in the morning, go to breakfast around 8AM at the hotel buffet (fried rice, a chicken dish, a poached egg, toast with butter and jelly, pineapple juice and orange drink mixed together and coffee to finish it off) and head into town walking past a couple miles of shops along the way (most of which I have no idea what they sell because all the signs are in Thai).

On today's trip, my mission was to find an internet cafe. This is how I've come to notice that many businesses do not keep regular hours. I found an open one next door to a massage parlor that offered a 60 minute body scrub for 300 baht or $10. Although it was tempting, I opted to just purchase a tub of salt scrub and moisturizer from the pharmacy and do it myself.

Another realization I had today was that, no matter how unfamiliar the surroundings, I cannot possibly be stimulated all the time. I have to get bored; it's inevitable. I've been writing more and more and reading Alex's book ("Eat, Pray, Love" if I hadn't mentioned it before).

Ice cream is also part of my daily routine. I usually wait until dusk to go down to the 7-Eleven and get some, but today I figured why wait. The ice cream here is not as sweet as at home, but just as satisfying. I'm too full to eat it right now, but I can skip the extra trip to go get it later.

I switched rooms today, and my new view is much more interesting. It faces the side of town that isn't on the tourist maps. The mystery of it is going to change tomorrow's routine. I think I'll wander off in that direction tomorrow. There's a bunch of buildings and gas stations that way, so something has to be over there. There's also a white building with an ornamental red roof that may be something I can take a photo of. We'll see.

Did I mention that the best and cheapest Thai massages are given by the students at the School for the Blind? Yeah, it's kinda creepy at first but you get over it quickly.
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Lazy Life in Chiang Mai

While sitting in the Rod Siang Beer Garden, where you can find me every afternoon around 3PM with a tall bottle of beer and an empty plate in front of me, I realized that I have a routine. I get up in the morning, go to breakfast around 8AM at the hotel buffet (fried rice, a chicken dish, a poached egg, toast with butter and jelly, pineapple juice and orange drink mixed together and coffee to finish it off) and head into town walking past a couple miles of shops along the way (most of which I have no idea what they sell because all the signs are in Thai).

On today's trip, my mission was to find an internet cafe. This is how I've come to notice that many businesses do not keep regular hours. I found an open one next door to a massage parlor that offered a 60 minute body scrub for 300 baht or $10. Although it was tempting, I opted to just purchase a tub of salt scrub and moisturizer from the pharmacy and do it myself.

Another realization I had today was that, no matter how unfamiliar the surroundings, I cannot possibly be stimulated all the time. I have to get bored; it's inevitable. I've been writing more and more and reading Alex's book ("Eat, Pray, Love" if I hadn't mentioned it before).

Ice cream is also part of my daily routine. I usually wait until dusk to go down to the 7-Eleven and get some, but today I figured why wait. The ice cream here is not as sweet as at home, but just as satisfying. I'm too full to eat it right now, but I can skip the extra trip to go get it later.

I switched rooms today, and my new view is much more interesting. It faces the side of town that isn't on the tourist maps. The mystery of it is going to change tomorrow's routine. I think I'll wander off in that direction tomorrow. There's a bunch of buildings and gas stations that way, so something has to be over there. There's also a white building with an ornamental red roof that may be something I can take a photo of. We'll see.

Did I mention that the best and cheapest Thai massages are given by the students at the School for the Blind? Yeah, it's kinda creepy at first but you get over it quickly.
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Monday, November 17, 2008

I'm still here

I'll catch the train back to Bangkok on the 21st. Even if I wanted to go earlier, there aren't any 1st or 2nd class seats available until then. I fly back to SFO on the 24th. So everyone just calm down. There's nothing wrong with me beyond being a little homesick. I did manage to eat a bite of seafood accidentally a few days ago, but I took my Benadryl and spent the rest of that day in bed.

Chiang Mai has definitely been the best place I've visited on this trip. There are temples every couple of blocks and fewer scam artists looking for victims. The shop owners don't come out to the curb to drag you inside the stores, and (gasp) there's a Starbuck's and a Burger King at the center of town.

My hotel is about a mile and a half outside the city. I've been walking wherever I want to go because it's not as hot here as it was in Bangkok and not wet like Chaiya. It's as warm as our summer, but it's only spring here I think. I'd hate to see what summer is like. The walking has also made it east to see everything and TAKE PHOTOS. I got a disposable 27 exposure camera just to get a few shots.

Some of the folks from the meditation retreat are staying in town. I keep running into them everywhere. If I see them again today, I'm gonna ask what they're doing tonight.

I gotta get walking if I want to get over the river and into town before it gets really warm. I'll check back in with y'all later.
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Friday, November 14, 2008

Signing Off From Chiang Mai

Made it here fine. Slept a lot on the train. Hotel is just across the street from the train station. This place is more like a hotel at home with a bellboy, a coffee shop in the lobby, laundry service, pool, etc. I just had a great beef and bamboo shoot stir-fry at the open air restaurant next door. Now I'm having my beer. I never drink beer at home. Hmmm.

Chiang Mai so far has been much easier on me than Bangkok. I'm going into the city center to look around. I have to find out where the famous massage school is and get a better map (with bigger print). Did I mention that I'm going blind? Seriously, I can't seem to focus my eyes for more than a few minutes when I'm reading. I think it's finally time to get glasses.

I feel great today. I can't find out what day I'll be able to fly home until the airline office opens on Monday, so I'll wait to buy my train ticket back to Bangkok. I get the feeling that I'd rather stay here until it's time to go home. I'll have to cancel my Bangkok hotel reservation - perhaps losing my $34 deposit, but it's so worth it.

Yesterday, after making a silly attempt at finding a movie theater using the metro system, I tried what is called The Waffle. It is a belgian waffle that fits into the palm of my hand with a crispy sugar crust on one side and stuffed with chocolate. Yesssss. I had three. LOL! I also tried the KFC, and I must tell you never to do that. Stick to the local fare because the western-style food sucks so bad. It was the most expensive meal I've had so far and it was gross.

Since having the waffles, my sweet tooth has been nagging me. I suppose I should be able to find desserts-a-plenty in town. I haven't had any fruit in a couple of days, so maybe that's what I need. The fruit here is so fresh, sweet and yummy.

I may not blog for a while because, well, I'm not as distressed as I have been for the past several days. I'll be home for the upcoming holiday, so I'm just going to relax and enjoy the end of my Thailand experience. I would like to come back next year for the Loy Krathow festival, but probably not alone and definitely not staying in Bangkok. It was a challenging experience to come here alone without knowing anyone or where to go. I wouldn't recommend it. I've learned that it's best to pick a place I've never been to and live there for a while instead of hopping around town to town like a crazy homeless person.
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Thursday, November 13, 2008

Waiting AP

Travel in Thailand teaches one how to wait properly. The trains are late more often than they are on time, but you better be there when your ticket says or that'll be the one time it isn't late. Of course if you're early it will be even later LOL.

I think I got six hours of sleep last night. I feel like a new woman! I wasn't so happy when I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep, but such is life sometimes. It gave me a couple extra hours to take care of my Chiang Mai travel arrangements. I found a boutique hotel just across the road from the train station there for $23 a night through a hotwire-type hotel discount service. I'm determined to step up and out of the backpacker guest houses for the rest of this trip since I'm cutting it short by a week.

I also found a boutique hotel in Bangkok for my last couple of nights before I leave and they accept paypal so I went ahead and prepaid. All I have left to do now besides enjoying myself is book my return train ticket to Bangkok and figure out the public transit system that will get me to the airport.

There's a big massage school in Chiang Mai. I plan to go there every day and sign up as a test client - and I do mean EVERY DAY. There's a cooking school too, but I don't feel like taking any classes if I'll only be there for a week. There are some hill tribe treks and this jungle tour that consists of swinging from cables hundreds of feet in the air in a harness. That sounds fun! I'll have to check it out. There are also plenty of temples there too.

I'm at my favorite perch in Bangkok - the raised bench at the metro entrance outside the train station. The homeless guy with crutches and a bandaged leg is always here. If I keep this up, we'll start talking to each other soon. Just kidding - I don't think he speaks any English. Next time I should at least pick a country that uses the same alphabet. I don't know what any of the damn signs say! As far as I know all these billboards could say "kill the americans". There are all these tiny shops everywhere but I can't tell what the hell they're selling. Perhaps there is a laundromat but I don't know how to read the sign.

It's a relatively calm day because of the king's sister's funeral. Many people are dressed in mourning. The buses are free today too. Many stores are closed, so the streets are probably as quiet as they ever get. By the way, If you're the only one exiting the bus at a certain stop, you better hurry up and get your ass off as soon as they open the door because the driver won't actually make a complete stop. I've gotten pretty good at mounting and exiting a moving bus with my backpack on.

Ok, now for my 'what is that' moment. At the Taiwan airport, I walked into a bathroom stall and instead of a toilet there was what appeared to be a urinal built unto the floor instead of the wall. These squating toilets are very common all over. The further away you get from downtown, the more likely you are to see only that kind. They also do not use toilet paper. There are small shower heads beside the toilets for you to rinse your private parts with. It is frowned upon to use your left hand for touching food because that is the butt-washing hand. I like the butt-shower idea, but I come equipped with my own TP at all times. All trains have squat toilets, which is a good balancing exercise. It's especially challenging when you stumble to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

I'm starting to like this place - just in time for me to leave. I know a few Thai sayings, Kapoon Ka or thank you is the most useful. The people seem to appreciate your willingness to at least thank them in their own language. Sawadee Ka is both hello and goodbye. The Ka is some sort of expression of respect. Leaving it off is appropriate for talking to a young person, but it will get you an evil glare from an elder. I'm speaking from experience.

Overall the biggest annoyance by far is the myriad of biting insects. I'm always well covered with DEETn and somewhere in the back of my mind I get the feeling that it probably causes cancer or something. I just have to take that chance. My legs and feet already look like I had a bad bout of chicken pox.

After getting my clothes back from the laundry woman, I confirmed for certain that I have dropped at least one dress size, maybe two. Today I'm using a hankie tied around the belt loops to keep my pants up. I'm not sure what's going to happen once I start weight training again. I'm hoping I'll get some of the definition that has eluded me for so long. I'm looking forward to stepping on the scale and getting my body fat measured. I'm curious to find out exactly what's been happening with my body. I'm also wondering how I'll feel when I start running again. That ought to be really interesting - and painful.

I won't be blogging for the next 24 hours because the train has no outlets for recharging my blackberry. That should give me a chance to read the book Alex lent me. I should probably mention that it's all beat up and warped from the times I got caught out in the rain. Sorry Alex. I should also try to do some journalling, which I've been neglecting in favor of blogging instead. Until next time...
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Riverside Bangalampu

I'm sitting out on the river view terrace at the guest house watching the boats pass by. Some of them are huge and lit up with a variety of colors and designs like Vegas casinos. Most of them have loud music. The one passing now sounds like a live singer who has a Broadway style. If you think Americans like their music loud, multiply that times three and you have Thais. I imagine these cruises are very popular at night since the river is a greenish gray color and opaque - not exactly the picture of paradise.

The hotel across the alley out from has a large pool on their terrace, and someone is in it doing laps. I can't see them because the trees are blocking the view, but I'm pretty sure it's another international twenty-something wearing a bikini since the hotel pools are the only places where that type of attire is acceptable. Women are expected to cover themselves from shoulder to knees, but you do see many young ones baring a bit more skin here in the city.

I think I'm starting to get the flow of Bangkok. I managed to get across town on the bus with a map and minimal assistance. After being roped in by the tourist trap yellow tuk tuk earlier this morning, I figured I'd try my luck with another mode of transportation. I did see a whole lot of the city on both the bus and the touring tuk tuk. For a moment, I wished I had a camera, but that thought evaporated just as quickly as it had come after I released the five sparrows I purchased for $3 beneath the 35 meter tall standing gold buddha. Freeing the birds is supposed to bring you good luck, and entrance was free today because of the festival.

The temple I enjoyed most was the lone where they keep the lucky buddha. Much of it is usually closed to non Thais. It has more spiritual value and less flashy decor than other temples. It contains the oldest buddha figure in Bangkok. The building where it is housed is dusty and simple. It was dark and cool inside. There we're no other tourists, so I felt it appropriate to observe the Thai Buddhist practice of lighting an incense stick, kneeling and bowing three times - touching the hands in prayer position to the chin, the forehead then putting the palms, forehead and elbows on the floor. I stayed there for a while with my forehead against the marble floor. It felt very peaceful. The caretaker seemed to be touched by my display, and we talked for several minutes before I returned to my tuk tuk waiting outside.

I had a long discussion about religion with a Hindu tailor at one of the shopping stops. It made me hopeful that the required tourist stops wouldn't be as bad as I was expecting, but I hoped in vain. The Thailand tourism office was full of money-hungry fake nice salespeople who became quite rude upon realizing that I wasn't buying anything from them.

The last temple I visited was the marble temple, which was closed because the monks were inside doing who knows what - monk stuff I guess lol. I found out while I was there that when monks are ill they stay behind at the temple while they're counterparts do the traditional ritual walk through the streets with their bowls for the townspeople to give them food. Many of the people who live by the temples send someone from the home to the temple to care for the sick monks who cannot do the walk. I'm not sure why I was so surprised to hear that, but it really struck a chord with me. I can't imagine most Americans doing something like that. I mean, we barely take care of our own families. Don't get me started. I'm in the same boat with all the other offenders.

Ok the riverboat passing by right now is playing Mariah Carey Touch my Body remix and bumpin' LOL. Hilarious!

I haven't gotten much sleep over the past few days, but the five hours I got last night greatly improved my mood today. I'll try to get a full night tonight since I don't have to listen to fireworks until dawn like yesterday. I'll be on the train tomorrow night, so I better get some good rest while I still can.

The traveling to and fro is really getting on my nerves now, so I'm pretty sure I'll be ready to go home soon. At times I wish I was already there, especially at night when I get lonely and long for the comfort of my own bed.

Some of the tiny banana leaf boats holding candles are in the water - leftovers from the festival celebrations I suppose. They're spread out like stars, a few passing every couple of minutes. The candles are bobbing up and down, flickering and floating away with all the worries and bad luck - at least that's what they say.
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settling in just to leave again

After sleeping on it, I realized that the financial issue at home really has very little effect on my trip. You guys won't be getting any Thailand souvenir gifts this year, but I'm still going up north for one week instead of two. It looks like I'll be home for Thanksgiving after all. I found out that I can use my ticket to return home any weekday between now and Jan 27, so o can jet outta here on the 24th of November to avoid needing to buy a visa extension. I can use that money (and what I thought I'd need to change my ticket) for Chiang Mai. I won't actually need to get any money out of the bank like I expected. I'll still have some mess to clear up with a couple of bounced checks and a late payment, but it's not the end of the world.

I'm sitting at the same restaurant as yesterday having a beer again. I had vegetarian fare today. For some reason that felt right after visiting a few of the many Buddhist temples today. There was one I liked in particular. It's normally closed to tourists, but open for a tourism promo during the full moon of the festival. Today is the last day, so I got lucky that someone told me about it, even if he was just luring me into a tourist shopping trap. Once he realized that I was serious about not buying anything, he decided to tend to more urgent matters, like his vehicle that broke down in the middle of our trip around town. He borrowed someone else's to complete the required tourist shopping destinations (these stops provided him with a card for a free gas fill-up compliments of the Thai govt. Once he explained that, I just sat back and let him take me wherever. He took me to the temples, which I wanted to see, so I figured why not help the guy out by listening to a couple of sales pitches so he can get his gas card.

I ended up by the Chitrlada Palace, which is breathtaking from outside the gate, but non Thais aren't allowed on the grounds. Tomorrow is the funeral for the king's sister, so many things will be closed, including the temples. Good that I got my chance to see them today. This guy asked if the funeral was my reason for wearing black, and it was obvious that I was oblivious. He asked what kind of country I was from that didn't know about the king's sister dying, and I told him that he'd be surprised how little Americans know about the rest of the world. It not all of our faults necessarily. The news is presented to us in a way that leads us to believe that we are the center of the universe. It's not easy to discover that we're not.

I'm not going to waste any more of my daylight hours blogging. I can't be out alone at night, so I have to make these hours count. Although I'm done riding the bus and getting lost for today, I do have some things to take care of before going back to the guest house.
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Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Loy Krathow

it was like a big night time parade but on the river instead of the street. There we're these boats all decorated and lit up with blasting music and people speaking in Thai (one float was in English - Thailand Tourism). There we're fireworks. Some people are still setting them off now, but the drunken singing has at least stopped or maybe just paused.

This would have been a good night for me to have some energy, patience, tolerance and a camera. That's right I still don't have one. I don't wanna be responsible for one more thing. I don't want to be that annoying lone tourist that keeps asking people to take pictures of me. Do I have to make it that apparent that I'm traveling alone?

The pants I bought from the street vendor look like a short fat man's martial arts uniform. Make that a bow-legged short fat man. Paired with the one clean tank top that I have, it looks really interesting. I bought one of the common style dresses to sleep in, but it looks like I should do it the other way around and wear that tomorrow instead.

I found a spa by accident after I'd given up looking. I almost passed right by it but managed to glance at the word wax on the sign. Since I was in such a funk, I treated myself to a whole package. I felt much better after spending that 50 bucks...that is, until discovering that I paid an additional $676 in taxes on my last check. That is going to change some of my plans.

Sooooo...Ko Samui meditation retreat is looking better and better. God knows I only feel lost in the city anyway. I'm surrounded by partygoers of every nationality and they all annoy me equally. The neighborhood with all the hot night spots is less than a half mile away. I wish it was further. I can't sleep with all the noise outside. There are no crickets and toads singing here. It sounds kinda like Oakland, complete with the blasting music from passing cars. I would go around to the live blues lounge I passed earlier but I feel so ridiculous in these Sumo wrestler board shorts. They really do look funny.

Hey I just got another mosquito bite. Damn it! And the drunken Thai singers are back at it on the street out front. Great. You know, I'm trying to just go with it, but I think the difference between Chaiya and here is just too drastic. I intentionally picked a guest house off the beaten path. You can't reach it by car - only walking or motorbike because it's down a narrow alley on both sides. I could see the river parade from the roof and hear the hundreds of people cheering while a man spoke in Thai on a PA system. That's as close to the excitement as I could stand to be. Make that 2 new mosquito bites. No 3. I don't feel like wearing DEET to bed again, and these pants are only helping the mosquitos to hide from the fan.

Ok scratch what I was just saying. I thought to myself that perhaps a more relevant question was 'what exactly was biting me?' My skin began to crawl at the thought so I jumped up and put my DEET on - lol. I checked the bed for bugs earlier. The mattress is coated with vinyl so we're safe there. My room isn't exactly well insulated so they could be coming in a number of ways. There are also tiny little flies that bite as well. They suck.

And what's up with the whitening lotion? Do Thais think dark skin is unattractive? Every lotion on the shelf is double UV protection and whitening. I felt odd buying it, but that's all they had in English. I tried getting some lotion with Thai writing on it a couple of weeks ago but it turned out to be shower gel.

I'm homesick. I'm tired of the bugs eating me. I'm tired of lugging my backpack around. I'm tired of trains, buses and taxis. I'm tired of sleeping in a different bed every week or every few days. I'm going to try to find a guest house that feels more like a home and just stay there for the rest of the trip. I'm getting out of Bangkok for sure. I need to go somewhere I can wear these crazy pants outside.
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Tuesday, November 11, 2008

U awake?

It's 1PM (11PM the previous day where you are) and I'm in bangkok having a beer and waiting to try my favorite thai dish for the first time in its origin country. The train to chiang mai was sold out for tonight and tomorrow so I have to stay here until friday.

Why can't I find a nail shop or leg wax anywhere in this city? I guess all the asian nail spas are in the US lol.

There also aren't any places to do laundry. I just paid some old lady to wash my clothes. It cost me $6 and I can't pick them up until tomorrow at noon. The 2 hour laundry costs almost $5 per kg and that is just a huge rip off.

There's another meditation retreat on Samui Island on the 21st. I'd made a definite decision not to go because that weird monk fantasy had me a little freaked out and Tan Dhammavidu will be one of the two main facilitators. Now that I'm again in the world of regular folks and designer knockoff handbags, I feel more normal. I feel anonymous and engulfed by the crowded city. I also feel like it's too much - way too much. I want to go back to the mosquitos and centipedes. Ok well maybe not that extreme, but I cannot wait to get out of here.

Tonight is a nationally celebrated festival of light Loy Krathow. It is traditionally a Buddhist holiday I think but some say it is to offer gifts to the water goddess during the time when the river banks are flooded. One of the monks said that there had been a drought so it looked as though there would be no celebration, but in the past week or so it has rained enough to create the flooding needed - after the heavy rainy season should have ended already. I guess I should consider it lucky.

At home I love it when it rains because I get a lot of the world to myself. People don't go out much in the rain unless they have to so I don't have to deal with busy streets and long lines. Here it rains so much that life goes on as if nothing has changed.

I purchased a beautiful umbrella and a pair of rubber boots from a flea market type shop in Chaiya before the retreat began. I felt silly buying the boots because it was so damn hot but they were calling me. After that raincoat incident, I dare not ignore any more inklings. Both items were invaluable. I found out that my migraines were being caused by too much sun exposure. I began using the umbrella for shade on a day that was stifling hot, and I haven't had a headache since...curious. I got tired of having wet feet all the time so I broke the boots out on the 2nd rainy day.

So this retreat was cool and everything but it's definitely better suited to the barefoot hippie types. You can't wear shoe inside any of the buildings, which aren't really indoors if you want to be technical about it. I mean, if there are no walls you are not really inside of anything. The floors are always wet and the bathrooms are the worst offenders. However, I do have to give them credit for keeping everything so clean. We do the same chores every day, and a group of people were in charge of cleaning the bathrooms. They did a fabulous job.

The main monastery offer free housing for anyone who wants to stay after the retreat but you share a room with 7 other people of the same gender. I may have considered it if I could have another single room. Actually, I couldn't wait to get out of there. The speakers kept talking about beer and cigarettes. The first thing I did when I got into town was have an iced coffee and a smoke. Now I'm having a beer, which I hadn't dome for over a month before going to the damn retreat.

I'm kinda cranky today. The train kept stopping last night. It was late to the station where I boarded by almost two hours and what should have been a 10 hour trip took almost 13. I did find the guest house I was looking for fairly easily though. Its just too bad there is no TV in my room. I think I may have to upgrade if that's an option. Well, I'm tired and a bit fed up with wandering the city looking for things I can't seem to find. It's like a giant flea market: there doesn't seem to be any organization and most of the stuff for sale is just junk.

There are some roomy pants I saw at a street vendors booth that I'm interested in. Those will hold me until I can get my own clothes back. I have to get something to out on after I shower, and oh man do I need one.
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The silence is broken

Today is the 11th of November. It is just after 5:30PM and I'm sitting at the train station in Chaiya. I think I've talked more today than I have in the past several months, finding out who these people are that I've spent the past eleven days with. They are all from places other than Thailand as this particular retreat is for international "Dharma Friends".

I spent most of the day sitting and talking with Steve, a homely oafish man from Germany or somewhere like that. He was very boring, but after the retreat I find that even boring can be alright. After we had lunch, he found other company that he preferred over mine with an interesting man who sounds like he has spent a lot of time in the US.

Although I've always enjoyed sitting and just observing life, I'm probably more partial to this activity in my current state of mind. I never realized how difficult it was to just do nothing. The mind is always wandering to the future, the past and (my personal favorite) fantasy. Focusing or concentrating the mind on just the movement of the breath while sitting or just the movement of the feet while walking provided me with hours of frustration. Even after I managed to overcome the feelings of discouragement and inadequacy, I still found myself unable to control my internal flights of fancy for more than a few minutes.

There was one day that my resolve was strong and I withdrew into myself so far that, upon being brought back by the ringing of the small bell, I discovered that both of my feet had fallen asleep. I knew I had it then. I must have gotten too full of myself because I have not since recaptured it.

I've come back to yoga practically by force. This was the only activity that I knew well enough to do on my own. Yoga was every morning at 5:15. There wass an instructor, but the class moved so slowly that it was not challenging or interesting enough to hold my attention. There were about 10 women who did their own individual yoga practices in the rear of the open air hall. We seemed to feed off each other's energy: strong and steady on some days, wobbly on others and, on one day in particular, most of us spent the majority of the hour and a half lying down. Most mornings, I completed both sun salutation series, a half dozen standing poses and about a dozen sitting. I only did inversions on my best days, fearing injury from an awkward landing on the cement floor. I spend my yoga time in my own mind and body, feeling what I need and doing it without much regard for anyone else. I have Annabelle the Yoga Nazi to thank for that. Although it has been many years since I was her student, she successfully programmed me with her strict, no bullshit, no excuses, military style instruction. It's too bad that she went crazy.

I think I've lost some weight, but not as much as my loosely fitting clothes would lead me to believe. Without laundry machines and with the steady rain keeping most of my clothing from ever getting completely dry, it hangs off me like it is maybe two or three sizes too large. It's so hot here most of the time that I wouldn't want it to fit snugly anyway.

I thought the two vegetarian meals a day would leave me hungry, but I found myself satisfied except for day 9 when we were served only one meal. That meal was unpalatable to me in flavor and texture. I could only bring myself to eat enough to subside the hunger pangs I was already feeling. I disliked it too much to eat enough to sustain me for the rest of the day. Luckily I had a small bag of almonds in my pack. A handful of nuts was enough to get me through it. We do a sort of food blessing before every meal. It is more of a reminder to control the desire to be influenced by the sensual pleasure of eating. I have it memorized:
With wise reflection I eat this food
Not for play not for intoxication
Not for fattening not for beautification
Only to maintain this body
To stay alive and healthy
To support the spiritual (way of) life
Thus I let go of unpleasant feelings
And do not stir up new ones
Thereby the process of life goes on
Blameless, at ease and in peace.

Reciting this at every meal has freed me from my tendency to over eat, at least for now. One could call it brainwashing, but I prefer to think of it as the key to freeing me from the need to ever count another calorie or weight watcher point. This is something delightfully unexpected and at the same time humbling. I feel as though having enough is enough. I can't describe it any other way. My favorite meal was the sweet potato curry. We had it during our last lunch at the retreat yesterday. It made me very happy and brought my Suan Mohkk International dining experience to a pleasant end. We had breakfast at the main monastery this morning on the other side of the highway 2 kilometers away. It was my first time having sweet sticky rice in Thailand. It was not rich and creamy like those in California, but as my last meal with the Buddhists before hitting the road, it left me with a joyful feeling of closure. I bet that sounds weird. Oh well. It was a strange feeling unlike any I've felt before as far as food is concerned.

I apologize for this blog being so long, but I've got almost 12 days of internal monologue to document. It has been like watching a movie of my own life with my voice narrating it. All I must do is act, playing the role of myself. One of the things we were instructed to do was observe our minds. I found myself thinking (in my narrative voice), 'the mind is unable to let go of a song. The mind wonders if it is doing this correctly. The mind is wandering into lustful thoughts about monks (this was especially entertaining and caused me to almost burst out in laughter during a sitting meditation period)'.

There is an English monk Tan Dhammavidu. I enjoyed his cynicism and morbid humor a little more than I should have. He is not sexually attractive in any manner except for the way he speaks. He would ramble on from one tangent to another during his lectures because he was much too self critical to prepare anything on advance. He said that every time he wrote his lectures out before presenting them, he would drive himself mad finding fault in what he'd written every waking moment until he eventually scrapped the whole thing just minutes before his lecture time. Sound like anyone we know? His admission of this made me fond of him from the very beginning. What I found so hilarious was how small and fragile he appeared with his hunched over walk and pasty complexion. Exactly what kind of fantasy was I having anyway? I had no real desire towards this man. My mind was just circling the drain of sexual deviation. I thought, 'Hester, you are truly ill'. I had similar thoughts about the one other monk who lectured us, a Thai they call Tan Medhi. I found those to be disturbing at best, but I was able to just observe them without guilt or obsession. I figure this is what happens to anyone who has indulged in sensual pleasure as much as I have when they first start to build a meditation practice. The thought of swaying someone from the path of Enlightenment with desire after they'd been on it for 21 years was too tempting not to explore. It's difficult not to pick the low-hanging fruit so to speak. Pushing a thought away only brings it closer, especially when you have absolutely no opportunity to get out of your own head.

I have become very close friends with DEET. I didn't have enough to last the entire retreat, so I had to conserve it by wearing it only on the exposed parts and limiting my reapplication to twice a day. I have about a hundred bites all over my body. The billions of mosquitos never gave me any peace. They attacked me continuously without mercy, finding their way into my pant legs and sleeves and even biting through my clothing when entrances were not available. On the fifth day, when the itching began to prevent and interrupt what little sleep I was allowed, I thought that perhaps I would have to give up and leave the retreat. Or dorm mistress Khun Pimtip had given a lecture about extending loving kindness to all beings including mosquitos. I find it ridiculous to think that a mosquito can differentiate between friend and enemy. In desperation, I meditated on it anyway and found the ability to let go of my frustration. After all, the bloodsucker only lives for a day and knows nothing but to feed and mate. I cannot hate it for doing all it knows. It will likely meet its end by being eaten, and my blood will go on to feed a fish or bird or bat, continuing the cycle of life as nature intended. The bites will heal. The scars will fade. I made it through and am better and stronger because of it.

Last night, there was a large centipede under my bed. When I say bed, I am referring to an elevated concrete slab built into the wall like a shelf three feet off the ground. We have sisal mats to sleep on and a wooden pillow: about three times the size of a brick with an arch curved into one side to cradle the head. It is much more comfortable than it sounds, but a stomach sleeper such as myself cannot use it for more than a midday nap. I knew it was a good idea to bring a sleeping mat and pillow. Centipedes are poisonous, and a sting from one will provide the receiver with 48 hours of swelling, pain and general misery. It was good that this happened on the last night because I was unable to relax enough to go to sleep after helping the dorm mistress capture it with a plastic bowl, a broom and a bucket. All week I feared coming in contact with one of them or a scorpion, but I was calm when it happened - at least on the outside.

This battery will die soon since I have no outlet available to recharge it. I've more than 24 hours before I'll be able to find a new temporary home base in Chiang Mai. So for now I must be off again and out of reach, but I miss you all and send you love from the East.

P.S. Please call my mom and ask her how she's doing. I'll email her telephone number to Janet so you can get it (jminix@clifbar.com for those of you not from CB&C). She must be lonely by now. It's the middle of the night where you are so I won't wake her. I'll call her myself when I land somewhere, but I won't have time to really give her a listening ear. I'll be in your debt. Thanks.
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