The fears are always the same; we're either wondering how something will affect the future or if something from the past can be forgiven or recaptured. The most popular concern of the retreat attendees is, "what is going to happen when I get back home?" We wonder how we will be able to reconnect ourselves with what we have over here when we are back over there. Really, it makes no difference. Over here, over there, I am who I am regardless of my location. If I make the choice to embrace the calm and peace of a simpler life, no change of scenery or spoken language will deter me. Most importantly if I hit a bump in the road, it's just a bump.
There is no age limit on the pursuit of what makes you happy. It doesn't care if you take a break or start over from the beginning. It doesn't need to be perfect. It doesn't compare itself to someone else's happiness. It just exists, even when you can't see it or touch it. It is waiting for you to stop punishing yourself. it will wait as long as it takes...even if you never show. I keep telling myself this because it is the only way I can really feel free.
The irony in being a human is that we have such awesome potential to create our own destinies, but we choose to spend our lives competing and acquiring things that, in the end, we don't even really want. I mean, everyone (including me) says they want to have enough money to not have to worry about money, but that's an unrealistic concept. The more you have, the more you absolutely must worry about it. The more stuff you have, the more time and energy you spend maintaining and looking after it. It owns you. One day you wake up, ten years have just vanished, and you're still greasing the wheels of the machine. I used to think of it as sad or depressing, but it's not simply black or white - good or bad. It's no use hating it because I can't change the world. It's no use loving it because the very thing I love about it can be gone tomorrow. I can control what I do and that is all. It's crazy that I've spent so much of my life either purposely or accidentally being out of control when my self is the only thing I have any measure of control over. That's sounds like a one way ticket to insanity. No wonder teenagers are nuts.
I've been thinking about this with increasing frequency, even before the trip - many years ago long before I started working at CB&C. I said I wanted a small farm in a rural town where I knew all my neighbors and could live a comfortable and peaceful life as the town weirdo. Every town has one and I figured if it was me, that would be one safe and friendly town. It might be boring, but I could always shake it up a little with some of my kooky antics, especially if that was expected of me.
Now, I'm not sure where I belong, if there is such a place. I'm starting to think that a quiet place is better for me to visit than to live in. Maybe I can take some of that quiet with me back home and give everybody a little piece of it. It is so nice, you guys. At home I never get a chance to sit in uninterrupted silence and just watch the leaves fall from the trees without any upcoming appointments or any time limits. I watched them so long that I think I may have fallen asleep with my eyes open. I slept deeply and never worried. I think that's a fair trade for a little boredom, don't you? I want to come back again next year. I gotta remember to bring more bug repellent. My legs and feet look like they went to war and just barely made it out alive.
Maybe having a small farm isn't such a bad idea. I just don't wanna shovel cow shit. I could become a vegetarian. LOLOLOLOL! Yeah right.
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