see ya later

I started this blog entry on December 6th. I originally titled it “Dream Killers - liars and hypocrites”. Today I watched the Lifeclass on Energy, and the portion about Energy Suckers really hit home. I've been holding on to certain relationships in my life that serve no purpose other than to drag me down.

I try really hard to remain friends with people who have known me since I was a child. In many ways I am still a child. I mean, I don’t feel emotionally mature in several ways. I still have hope that fairytales can be real. I still believe that there is goodness in everyone. I like to track how we all grow up and compare notes with those have witnessed my struggles and had similar experiences. I like to sit with my old friends and just be still, satisfied with the people we have become. I like to crack those old inside jokes. I like to communicate without speaking, with just a glance. I like to maintain connections because I believe they are valuable to me. Every connection has value. Every person has value.

I'm convinced that everyone deserves another chance to make amends, no matter what they did to hurt you. Maybe that person wasn’t really aware of their effect. As I mature, I notice that most people don’t realize the power of their influence because they’re preoccupied with their own inner turmoil. I empathize. Every long term involvement I’ve ever had has been a “project”. I wanted to fix people. Basically, I thought that helping other people was going to help me fix myself. Now that I realize that there is nothing wrong with me (at least not more than anyone else), I’m not willing to put up with the bullshit anymore. You will either change the thing that is making you unhappy, you’ll stop bitching about it or you’ll find a different “friend” to agree with you. I have empowered myself with the most powerful word ever – NO. I’m not taking it anymore. Done.

The past has shaped who I am. I am tough and beautiful. I am strong. I have come through a lot of mess to get here, so I can recognize bullshit very well when I see it. I earned the happiness I enjoy with blood, sweat and tears. I’ve blamed myself, gone through therapy, confronted my aggressors, and aired my dirty laundry. I acted a damn fool and showed my ass. I lost it. I regained it. I lived in a vagrant hotel with prostitutes as neighbors. I lived in a stunning Victorian and wore suits to work every morning. I rolled up into the fetal position and cried myself to sleep on the kitchen floor. I tried to cover a black eye with foundation and eye shadow. I was the annoying and embarrassing drunk chick at the party. I got into the car with a stranger. I woke up in a strange place and couldn’t recall how in the hell I got there. Yes, all of that. I’ve done all of that and more. Hell, I’ve done some shit I probably won’t remember until I’m so old that the retelling will be adorable. I don’t have the power to change any of that. I can only control what I do right now, in this moment. “There’s only this.” And this, my friends, is absolutely wonderful. I am fortunate in so many ways. First, and foremost, I lived to see this day after all that madness in my youth. I’m healthy and happy… it’s nothing short of miraculous. I am thankful for this every day.

I really don’t have the time or desire to keep rehashing the past and revisiting past hurts. It’s pointless. I do have people in my life who are still stuck there. There’s something that people who live deep in that frame of mind do; They try to convince you that whatever you are doing is wrong (because you’re happy and they’re not). They don’t know what they’re doing. I’m sure because I have been there. I have been miserable. I have been the helpless victim. It’s a very dark place that is hard to escape from, and you can’t help anyone escape until they are ready. They are angry at themselves for letting shit happen (even things that they had no control over). They are in pain, reliving a series of hurtful events over and over again in their minds. It takes time to get over that. Some people need more time than others. It probably takes longer to heal deeper wounds – it’s all subjective. Some people never heal and live their entire lives in misery, never forgiving themselves for things they couldn’t have done any differently. Seriously, there isn’t much capacity for logical thinking under that type of duress. You do and say stupid things. You hurt the people who love you and burn bridges that you end up needing to rebuild later. It’s not pretty. Then, to top it all off, when you do manage to break yourself free from the cycle, you realize how much damage you’ve caused and then start to feel guilty all over again.

Well, I’m done with that. Right now all I have holding me back is fear. Little by little, I gain strength and drive to do the things I am afraid of. I surround myself with supportive and like-minded people. I have to leave some folks out. I suppose that’s unavoidable. I hope we catch up later.  We'll see.