Breaking Down

During any period of unusually intense training, one is inevitably bound to experience some disappointment. This is where I am right now. I have been in this god-awful plateau since Saturday afternoon. The 10+ mile training hike Saturday morning exhausted me. I’ve been scraping by on willpower since then. I didn’t feel like my pack was too heavy on the hike, but I was hurting really bad from the ridiculous pace these women were keeping and the humongous blisters on my heels. Afterwards the trainer asked me, “Wasn’t that fun?!” I wanted to punch her in the face. I figured that probably wasn’t a good idea, especially considering how I’m the only person of color in the group. It’s one thing to be the only person of color – this I have gotten used to over the years. It’s something completely different to FEEL like the only person of color. There is an elite-ness to the fittest women in the group. They’re not making me feel welcome, but that’s cool. I’m not doing it for them anyway. I suppose I need them for the training. In the end, who gives a fuck what they think? Most of the people on the hike were much like me: nice, positive folks who were happy to be able-bodied, outdoors and enjoying a good sweat in the sunshine. It’s too bad the nice ones weren’t the leaders, but I guess that isn’t how life works, is it?


Saturday just happened to be Twin Peaks’ 30th birthday as well, so I had a 3-hour power nap after the hike to prepare for the night’s festivities. I had two cocktails that evening, which I hadn’t done since NYE. I drank them out of desperation really. I was freezing and bitter, so I figured I should have something to warm me up on both fronts. That lasted ‘til around midnight. I ran out of steam and joined Lumpy on the balcony overlooking the dance floor. Since I was TP’s ride home, I knew I’d better just settle in and wait for the club to close at 2AM. It was definitely the party of the year for Oakland Househeads – Frankie Feliciano and Timmy Regisford tearing it up at the New Parish. The music was awesome. I wished I had more energy. I even closed my eyes and pictured myself dancing a few times. Disappointment #1.

I played a few rounds of DDR with Twin Peaks midday the next day. It was good to sweat and warm up the stiff legs. I tried using the roller, but they were really tender and the angle was awkward. Lumpy came over later in the evening to take me out to dinner at this great Italian place on Piedmont. I limped. He worked on some of my knots when we got back to my place. After that I slept soundly (with no regard for the time or entertaining my guest). He must have been really bored, lying there watching TV while I clung to him in my slumber. I had nothing left. I waited all week to spend the night with him and couldn’t do anything but sleep while he was there. His work schedule and my training schedule have been so incompatible that we haven’t had any other opportunities to spend time together - disappointment #2.

Yesterday I managed to drag myself out of bed at 4PM to go to the gym. Although I appeared to fit right in with everyone else in the classes, I was not happy with how heavy my legs felt and my inability to get air on my hops. I went in for Power Yoga, as it said on the class schedule, but there was Pilates instead. I was upset about that (disappointment #3A). I needed a good stretch like nobody’s business. I stuck around for Step Aerobics, but couldn’t talk myself into doing another Abs class to bridge the gap between the Step and Zumba classes. The line for treadmills was 10 people deep (goddamn New Year’s Resolution people – disappointment #3B), so I ended up having to use a recumbent bike for my cool down. Without my music I could only stand it for 10 minutes. I went over to what I like to refer to as “the Playpen”, where the trainers’ desks, mats and rollers are, and had my stretch. I tried to ignore the people in line for treadmills, elliptcals and the upcoming Zumba class. I’m pretty flexible, so I’m sure they gawked. For a while I didn’t care. Everything on my body needed to be pulled taut and maybe even twisted a little bit. I didn’t work out all of the tightness because the feeling of eyes on me was getting very uncomfortable – disappointment #3C.

This morning I got out of bed at around 6:15. I was very slow because I accidentally took a daytime vitamin the night before. I’ve split my vitamins so the ones that give me energy are taken during the day and the rest are taken at night with my new supplement, Melatonin. I mistakenly put a B/C Complex in with the night vitamins. Duh. I tossed all damn night. I think I woke up at 5:45, but I didn’t want to get out of bed yet. I put on my gear, packed my bag and went for my predawn run – today it was a dawn run because I was about a half hour behind schedule. I was exhausted. I tried drinking some Jack3d, but all that did was turn my stomach. I felt the rumbling of bubble guts about halfway through the loop. At around mile 2 I had to stop running because my colon felt like it was going to explode. Thankfully the park staff had just opened the restrooms, so they were clean and empty. I made it, and it was relatively uneventful other than the urgency of getting there. I decided to walk the remaining mile and change to take it easy on my body. It couldn’t have sent me a bigger signal that I needed to slow the hell down. I didn’t have enough rest to accomplish what I set out to do this morning. Disappointment #4.

On the walk back to the car I went through the regular scpheel in my head, shushing the negative self-talk and reaffirming the logic of taking it easy when the body shows signs of stress. Physical training is a series of building, disassembling and rebuilding periods. Ego has no place in it, at least not at my age. The goal here is to successfully complete the events I have planned without injury. If I end up feeling less challenged than I expected, I can consider adding more later. I doubt that will happen, but one never knows what the future will bring.