I’m well overdue for a philosophical ramble. Thanksgiving seems like the appropriate time. I spent the holidays down in SoCal with Twin Peaks’ sister, brother-in-law, cousins, nephews, mother and grandfather. There were 30 people for Thanksgiving dinner. A few of us were overwhelmed by the atmosphere and escaped to the front stoop for some quiet and fresh air. As one would expect, there was the one overbearing, liquored-up older gentleman. We did our best to avoid him as much as possible. We pretended to have really engaging private conversations as he approached. Funny.
The kids were my favorites. It seems that the children in this family are all old souls. They have conversations far beyond their years, but still manage to hold on to the playfulness of youth. I felt more similar to them than the adults, who rarely wanted to play and were more concerned with sharing information. I ran out of juice on Thursday though. That’s the thing about trying to keep up with young people.
I got my energy back as I napped through most of the traffic-nightmare ride back home. We arrive back in SF at 11PM Saturday night, and I was at SOM for Rich Medina at 11:40. I left there to see Marques Wyatt at Mighty around 2AM. I also went out to Townhouse in Venice on Wednesday night for Marques. I suppose that’s why I had nothing left for playing with the young people on Thursday.
When I finally got home Sunday morning at 4:30AM, I donned my flannel polar bear PJ’s, poured myself a tall glass of water, cracked open a beer and settled in. I had one cocktail upon arriving at the club at 11:30, but then I figured that it wasn’t a good idea to continue since I was probably still tired from traveling. That was a really really smart move. You know, I can be so wise one moment and ridiculous the next. I didn’t leave my bed to get dressed until I got up for work this morning. I still feel a little bit tired, but soooo much better since I actually slept in my own bed again. Next time, I am going to splurge for a hotel room so I can be more comfortable. I’m too spoiled to sleep on couches.
On the way into the office this morning I thought about all of the things I have to be thankful for. The one thing that stood out to me was my childlike enthusiasm, playfulness and curiosity. Sure, I don’t have as much as I had when I was a child, but I do have a lot more than most women my age. I think that this part of a woman is sacrificed when she has a child. I know lots of moms who play, but none who play as much as I do. Their energy is used up caring for the family and looking after everyone’s needs. They sacrifice their play so others can play. I have never had the desire to do that. I didn’t really understand that I had to give that up in order to become a mother, but I knew that whatever it was I had to give up was something I wasn’t ready to part with. I thought it was simply the freedom of independent concern. That alone wouldn’t be so bad, actually. It’s the play that I would miss most.
My true childhood has been the past 10 years. I played tentatively when I was a child. As the only girl allowed outside the house on our block, I had to scrap my way out of stinky boy dogpiles. I had to be a bigger daredevil , run faster, jump higher. I had to use weapons to defend myself. I had to read body language and observe suspicious behavior. I had a few miscalculations along the way, but those were the best teachers. All of my young life I was surrounded by males. I didn’t realize until the past 10 years that there was a safer, more caring and relaxed environment with females. Most of the females I knew as a child, including my mother, were severe, calculating and vengeful. Men of any time, even perverts, were preferable to that.
Now that I know what a childhood really is, I can understand why people have children. It is such a beautiful gift to bestow on another living being. I’m still not sold on the childbearing thing, but maybe I’ll grow into adoption someday. Until then, I’ll just get a puppy.
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