Visitations from ghosts of the past in my dreams lately. Old, buried emotions stirred up. It feels like I never forgave anything, and I'm just going through life carrying all that shit on my back. Maybe I didn't know how to forgive. Maybe I still don't. What I do know for certain is that I have been calling it by the wrong name. I've been "protecting myself out of caution based on past experiences". NOPE. What I really do is withdraw in fear when I take a risk that ends in failure and pain. I'm not resilient in a way that easily bounces back with a smile, although it might appear that way. I have dreams and desires that refuse to be extinguished. They make me fucking miserable. There can be no peace unless they are satisfied. My mind is only quieted by working my ass off in pursuit of some chance. It's a crazy way to live.
I once loved with my whole heart. Every time it was broken, I closed part of it off. I didn't know how to stop the pain and I had no productive method of coping. After reaching a point of desperation, I just shut it off. It worked, so I kept doing it. Now I allow myself to feel so little. Why? I don't want anyone's pity. I hate to see it in someone's eyes. I thought that I must be a freak to feel things so deeply. People can't love that intensely. It's too scary. They always run away when they get in too deep. So why even bother to love at all? There must be a lucky few out there who have found someone who pulls them in closer when things get scary. I'm happy for them. I don't envy them because I tried my best. Maybe it just wasn't meant for me. Maybe I wasn't ready. Maybe I'm still not ready.
I wish I was one of those people who turns pain into productivity, who becomes more motivated with each failure. I'd like to immerse myself in creating a new project instead of wallowing.
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