Me Time

I felt like I needed a break from the Song of Fire and Ice series, so I browsed the psychology section and happened upon Shahida Arabi's Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare, an eye-opening collection of personal stories, scientific research and detailed descriptions of a type of toxic personality. The book jumped out at me because of my mom. I knew early in life that she was cruel. I just didn't know the degree of her cruelty. I don't think I really understood its depth until very recently. I had no idea that it was even possible to be the kind of person described in the book. I mean, I knew that narcissists were completely self-centered, but I didn't know that they could also have a complete lack of empathy. How could someone, who isn't a sociopath, completely lack empathy? How can a human being understand empathy well enough to imitate it without actually feeling anything? That is what confuses me. I can't. I can't manipulate people without having some kind of remorse - I even think back to interactions in the past and wonder if I said or did something hurtful that could've been avoided. You mean to tell me that every time my mom made me feel bad for something, it was a calculated strategy to provoke the desired response? I yelled at the recording a few times. Shock. Disbelief. Then, I got really quiet as I listened to hauntingly exact descriptions of manipulations my mom used on me my whole life. Now, I'm not even angry. I spent 40 years wasting such draining levels of emotional anguish and frustration on someone who never had any interest in me beyond what I could do for her. I threw away so much to be here right now, my entire life. I just didn't know. I feel used, but I know that she doesn't see herself as an exploiter. She thinks that she's just making her way in the world as best she can, just like anyone else. I believe that she even thinks that other people are the same as her! That's sad. I can't change her mind. I can't change her at all. Forty years is more than enough time to dedicate to that. Everything I do from here is only for me. I can do some of this to make me feel better, but I feel like I have done enough to move on with a clear conscience. There is a lot left to do in the transition to getting mom into a senior care facility, but at least I no longer need to feel like I am abandoning her. I understand that my life and happiness never held any value to her. She would leave me in financial, emotional and psychological ruin with no remorse. She would even criticize me for being too weak to endure it. This is my parent. This is the woman who raised me. I don't know how I managed to live through that. I must have someone watching over me.

As I listened to more of the book, (I spend a lot of time in the car, so I often buy audio books to entertain me when I'm not with a passenger) another person popped up as a strong toxic force in my life - my boss. Sure, I only work one day a week at his business, but, after realizing that this toxicity may be the reason why I can't stand to be around him and feel uneasy just thinking about him, that one day seems even heavier a burden. It's no secret that I have been ready to give up that one day a week for quite some time. In fact, I've told him and everyone else working there that I'm ready to leave. I'm not sure why he's not looking for my replacement... or maybe I am. If he is a narcissist, he needs to tell me when I can leave, not vice versa. Well, that doesn't work for me.

I am a crazy, beautiful wreck. It's kind of a mess. I want to wander this world with my heart open and connect with strangers. I want to be kind. I want to be helpful. Unfortunately, that makes me a target for those who see others as disposable resources. It's difficult to tell the difference between the real and the imitation sometimes. I spent my entire life being deceived. Wow. Just wow.