rambling in transit

Today someone apologized to me.  I felt like crying.  It was confusing.  I was feeling sorry too, sorry that the apology was needed in the first place.  I admit that I did need it.  I didn’t want it, though.  I wanted to stay angry.  I wanted to have what was left of my anger to support me this week.  I wanted to use that anger to protect me and close the door to the emotions that are swirling around in my little brain.  All this writing about my childhood is just ripping off a scab.  Now I’m open, raw and incredibly moody.  I wanted to distract myself with anger.

I do a lot of listening.  I sit and just listen to life: hvac hissing, shoes tapping on the floor and getting softer as they move further away, conversations near and far in voices that are high-pitched, baritone, upward inflections, laughing nervously, stalling for time, beating around the bush, attempting to make a hasty exit or just going around in circles saying the same thing a bunch of different ways.  The tinkle of keys and bracelets, a nose blow, an exasperated sigh, the rustling of a paper bakery sleeve, the creak of a chair and all kinds of echoes all around - the shadows of sounds bouncing off the walls, the ceiling, the windows and muffled by the rugs.

I listen to my brother and mother talking.  I hear the hurt and anger in his voice.  I hear the stubbornness in hers.  I step in to cool things off with a laugh or I drop something to distract them.  I’d rather they bicker at me than with each other.  Some things never change I guess.  I don’t really mind when they fuss at me; I forget it as soon as the conversation changes.  I never forget how they treat each other.  Interesting, right?  It's funny how roles evolve and still remain the same as we "grow up".

I also do a lot of wondering.  Do people choose their parents before they are born? Did I choose my parents?  Why? Were we connected in a former life?  Can one person in this life be split into two or combined with another in the next?  Are there a number of original souls who were split up to make all the people who are living now?  Are we all divisions of the same original soul?  Is that why everything is connected?  How do we tap into the connection between all things?  Is it possible to be aware of a nonlinear existence?  Would I freak out and have a mental breakdown if I got a glimpse at something like that?  Is that what happened to schizophrenics?  Are babies able to look into other dimensions or see auras?  This train of thought can go on forever.
 

I’m sure that everyone has moments when they wonder how their lives would be different if they knew then what they know now.  I’m convinced that I would be even bigger trouble than I was, if that’s possible.  Walking wounded .  I’m not sure why so many people loved me.  It was pretty clear that I didn’t appreciate it - I couldn't.  Okay, maybe I wouldn’t be as much trouble.  Had I known that the time I spent with certain people would be so short, I would have been kinder.  No, I wouldn’t be rich.  No, I wouldn’t be popular.  I would be kind.  I’m not sure when that became enough.  It might have happened just now.