When I was a child, whenever I would have a laughing fit my
mom always reminded me that every laugh must be paid for with tears. It wasn’t until recently that I understood
what she was trying to say. I always thought
she was just a buzzkill. Okay, she was a
buzzkill, but she also had a lot of wisdom to share.
In school I loved science.
I still do, but I’ve definitely lost the patience for research. Science explains stuff in as much or as little
detail as you require. Science is always looking for the reason why something happens. I like to use science to understand
things that are bigger than us. Religion says that people don’t
die but are instead changed somehow.
Some religions say they go to heaven or hell. Others say they are reborn into new
lives. The way I like to think about it
is somewhat scientific – everything and everyone is made of energy. Energy can be
redistributed; it can be released by one
object and absorbed by another. Energy can be transformed. Energy cannot be destroyed. - it isn't linear like our lives Science
fucking rocks!
Science says that for every action there is an equal and
opposite reaction. This is what my mom
was trying to teach me. I didn’t learn
it at the time because our communication styles are so different. She was simply stating that there must be balance. Today I find myself with my face pressed up
against the window, looking into the house of my own life at the powerful force
of balance.
I woke up this morning feeling a melee of emotions uncharacteristic
of my personality: anger, repulsion, anxiety (ok, that one’s actually quite
common for me) and shame. Yesterday I
was elated and hopeful, but I am not disappointed that my mood has
reversed. I know with every fiber of my
being that balance is working everything out.
There’s no need for alarm.
Besides, what good would that do anyway?
Writing about my life gives me the opportunity to relive experiences
that left strong impressions and feel all of those intense emotions again as an
adult who understands them better. I empathize
with both my child self and the adults who were responsible for taking care of
me, which is monumental. It’s unfortunate
that children are unable to analyze how they feel and determine the cause of
their pain. What’s even more unfortunate
is that many adults are also similarly unskilled. It’s not anyone’s fault really; expressing and
acknowledging emotions is just beginning to be a valued skill in our
society. There’s that word again –
society. Pffft! I guess there'll be more on that in my musings later.
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