I have bouts of depression when I just can't think about it anymore because I feel too fragile to go on. Eventually I come back because I know that nothing I do can be joyful until I get this nagging, miserable story out of my head and heart. I hate it but I need it. It's like having an old clunker as my only transportation. I'm not sure if it'll start today, and once I get it going I may not be able to shut it off, but it's what I have right now and I gotta take care of it.
Mom has stopped telling me that she loves me at the end of our telephone conversations. I wouldn't say that I miss it since it always felt out of place. The woman never told me she loved me growing up or when I needed it. She just started saying it about seven years ago,and I felt obligated to reciprocate no matter how awkward it was. I just think that it's interesting that she stopped the day I told her that I didn't want to hear any more of her negativity. I said that I would listen to any helpful advice or ideas she had for me, but no more "I told you so". She then had nothing to say, not even "I love you", although that would've been the most appropriate time for it. All I can do is shake my head sometimes.
Today is the fifth day of my six week leave from school, and I've submitted an average of five applications a day all week. Yesterday I reached the end of the job postings. I have never done that before. some really good opportunities opened up this week. Some highly sought after employers are looking for seasonal staff. It sounds like the perfect opportunity for me. I've secured every good job I've ever had by coming in as a temporary worker and proving myself a valuable enough asset to hire on full time. I just need to get a foot in the door.
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