the evil small print of rideshare driving

Every couple of days I fill up my tank for $45. For twelve hours of driving Monday through Thursday, I typically make about $85 a day. Saturdays I drive from sunset to sunrise and make about $200. Fridays are interesting because I want to drive both day and night but I often find myself physically unable to endure it. Unfortunately, I have to pee at least every couple of hours. Restrooms aren't as accessible as you'd think, especially overnight. I put about 4000 miles on my car every month. My maintenance interval is disturbingly short. Had I foreseen my reliance on rideshare driving for income, I would have chosen a much more fuel efficient and cheaply serviceable vehicle. My 50k service is overdue by 4000 miles, and it's not looking like I'll be able to do anything about it anytime soon. The average cost of this service is $1200. I have no idea where to get such an amount unless I reconsider the whoring idea I previously dismissed.

The worst of it all is that I'm just barely scraping by (paying rent, car note, insurance, utilities, tuition, food and random things I purchase to gain access to restrooms while on the road). I haven't begun to save for taxes or make a dent in my credit card balances. I haven't even made a credit card payment in a couple of months and I'm sure Western Dental will be ringing me any day. At the end of this week I'll need to decide whether to save for rent (which is already scheduled to be a week late) or keep the electricity on; I won't be able to do both unless something miraculous happens. Living without electricity doesn't seem possible. Most of my food is frozen, and eating out is not an option. The last two months of grueling Arizona summer skyrocketed my bill to over $500 just keeping my studio apartment 85 degrees.

The new job is part time. I didn't realize that when I accepted the position, but I still want to keep it since it's at a great company and the holiday season is upon us. I may be able to work more hours during the mad shopping rush. I definitely want to minimize my driving during the holidays since there seems to be double the amount of vehicles on the road (with more inexperienced and infrequent drivers out there screwing up the delicate balance).

This is a very rough transition - a perfect storm. I've never had to worry about money as much as I do now. I've never had to push myself so hard to make so little. I've never felt so utterly alone and helpless. I'm trying to stay positive, but I feel like I reach my limit daily. It's uncomfortable in a scary "why don't I just buy a gas can and set all this shit on fire" or "I could disappear from this life and be a drunk transient" kind of way. I often wonder how people come to the decision to rob others. That type of desperation that doesn't appeal to me. I'd rather be homeless. Then I think of being homeless, and I'm pretty sure I'd need to be as high as a kite for that. Maybe that wouldn't be so bad? Then I think of the homeless addicts I see on the street, and I think that I'd rather be dead than be a zombie like them. This is where it always ends. These are the thoughts that press me on through this endless mediocrity. Maybe if I push though one more day, things will start looking up. Maybe tomorrow will be better or easier. Maybe I'll survive the storm. Maybe. I'll just have to stick around and find out.