It's not insomnia

I'm awake. It's after 6am, and I've been awake for almost four hours. Why? Mom woke up at around 2:30am and came into my room asking what day it was and if she was finished with dialysis. I answered her. She asked again. I gave the same answer. She asked again. I then asked her what she was talking about, hoping to get more information about what she was asking. She sometimes forgets the words to express what she wants to say needs a minute to sort it out. After she repeated the same question about six times, I told her that it was still nighttime, and she should go back to bed. She said she had a headache. I told her that she should rest. Then she asked me what day it is and if she was finished with dialysis. 

"Go to bed, mom. I'll get you up when it's time to go to dialysis."

"Okay." She shuffled away, and a few seconds later I heard the lock on the front door click.

"Hey! Where are you going?" I jumped out of bed and flew to the entryway.

"I don't know."

"Come on." I led her back to her bed as we repeated the loop of her two questions and my one answer. She complained about her headache again, and I convinced her that getting in bed would help. I said that I'd call the doctor, but that was a lie. Migraine headaches are a common side effect of dialysis. I'm familiar with migraines; They are debilitating. I usually get them a few times a year, and I spend two days alternating between functional semi-conscious in the world under a carefully-layered combination of pain killers and shutting myself away in a dark room to suffer in silence. I know it sucks. What I don't know is how a person can cope with feeling that misery in addition to the apparent physical trauma of having their blood filtered through a machine every other day for the rest of their life. I don't know how to help. I am not good at consolation. That is not likely to change. 

The thing that I am obsessing over in my mind is WHY DID SHE LET IT GET THIS BAD? This is what happens when the doctor tells you that you need to change your diet and lifestyle and you ignore the warnings. You ignore them for OVER TWENTY YEARS! I want to yell at her about it, but it won't help. It won't make me feel better. She won't accept responsibility for it. Most importantly, it won't change anything. It's just wasted energy, and I'm already so tired.

Yesterday morning we had a 15 minute argument and standoff just to get her to put on shoes to go to the grocery store. She wanted to wear slippers. I wouldn't have made a big deal about it if she wasn't going to leave the car, but I insisted that she come into the store because she needs exercise. I didn't tell her that because it would've caused another argument. 

It was a very hard day for me. I took a lot of shit from her about everything, and eventually I told her that I'd heard enough. I had to shut her up, so I told her that nobody wants to listen to her criticism. When she started again, I told her that she needs to stop talking about things she doesn't know anything about. That got her. She threatened to punch me and stuff rocks in my mouth. I told her that a person who couldn't put on shoes without an argument didn't have the ability to intimidate me. Silent treatment. Success! I texted my brother to let him know that she might be ready to try and buy his love now. That's what she does, plays us against each other. She has always done it. She will never stop. I once told her that talking about my brother to me behind his back is something that she should consider stopping because it doesn't do anything but make her look bad. She hasn't really stopped, but she has adjusted her approach. The mudslinging has been replaced by what appears to be inquiries based on concern. It's the same thing. She just wants information that she can use for manipulation. Well, I don't have any.

I've been walking around, looking at everything and thinking, 'I thought that I finally got out. I thought that I had finally escaped this place, this family, this mess.' I hated Phoenix. I seriously hated it. However, I miss it. I miss school. I miss privacy. I miss having a clean kitchen and bathroom. I miss not having to explain every goddamn thing I do. I miss getting a direct deposit paycheck. I miss solitude.