Zombie

I'm a peace-loving person. There aren't many things that I'm willing to fight for, but peace is one of them. That sounds strange, but some people will continue to make your life hell until you fight, and then they'll leave you alone and move on to their next victim. I hate fighting. It pisses me off when someone makes me fight. Every time I feel anger, it turns into pain and sadness. It seems like the natural progression of those emotions. I understand the cycle. It's not the anger that I try so desperately to avoid ; It's the sadness. You can't turn sadness into anything. You can turn anger into productivity. You can turn pain into artistic creativity. Sadness doesn't have a complementary characteristic. You just have to ride it out until either your situation changes or the emotion runs its course. 

I was depressed. I changed my surroundings by moving to Phoenix, and I hoped that the things that made me so sad would be left behind. They weren't. Those things just became more demanding and urgent. I should've seen that coming.

I firmly believe that you attract people, things and events to yourself with your energy. Positive people can attract other positive people, but they'll also attract negative people who either covet their energy or want to bring them down. It's hard to tell which is which sometimes. I can feel when someone is going to engage with me, but I'm often stunned when the interaction is unpleasant. I used to believe that bad things happened to me because I deserved them, and there's still some part of me holding on to that belief. Logically, I know that's not true, but the idea of karmic retribution intrigues me so. Okay, now I'm rambling.

Going back home has me really stressed out. I have barely slept this week. In the we e hours I think about the events and decisions that brought me here and the ones taking me back. I think of all the comforts that I took for granted that I miss and the ones that I take for granted now that I hope I don't have to miss later. I obsess about being an underachiever. I wonder where all the time went.

I tried to escape Oakland for good. Yes, FOR GOOD. I didn't want to go back there, where the memories of painful events are constantly revisited and the same manipulative and abusive arguments are repeated with people that I just wanted to love. I'm not a fighter. When I'm backed into a corner, I become all claws and fangs just until I can clear a path to run away. I thought I'd finally gotten out of there. I had just renewed my lease. I thought that I was free. Well,

I.

Am.

Not.

Free.

The universe seems to be demanding that I fight for something. I don't want to! I am tired of getting my damn feelings hurt! I am tired of trying to live my truth and being vulnerable and raw in the company of liars. It has become quite clear that I am unable to stop caring about assholes (no matter what they do or say), so why is it so fucking impossible for me to get the hell away from these people? Somebody is going to start being good to me, dammit! <big sigh>

I love my family. I really do. That's probably obvious. I don't know how to fix us. If it wasn't for compassion I would just run away, but here we are. I've gotta go back. I have to try.