The Beanstalk

When I saw the neighbor's ice cream truck on the way home from mom's dialysis, I pulled over and bought some cheese fries just like the ones I ate for lunch every day in Jr High. He asked about mom, and I told him about her new dialysis port and the convenience it will afford her once the temporary one has been removed and healed. I'm just as excited as she is about getting her back into the pool and hot tub at the gym.

Rudy looked troubled, so I continued talking about the little things that mom and I deal with every day. He told me that I had a good heart. I said that I know this opportunity won't come again, so I must take it. Any other plans I have can wait.

Rudy told me that he lost his mom seven months ago to liver cancer. She was a breast cancer survivor, but the doctors didn't diagnose her liver early enough for treatment. They gave her eight months to live. She died two months later. He misses her; It shows in his eyes. I asked him a few relevant-but-not-prying questions to keep the conversation in motion so he wouldn't cry and feel embarrassed. To clarify, I don't mind if he cries, but he doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would be okay doing it. I understand much better these days that people need a release of these emotions. There's no reason to feel ashamed, but do many of us do. I have no idea what to do with the shame - theirs or my own. I don't know how to comfort someone who feels ashamed of their vulnerability, but I do often find myself in their company often. I suppose we hold space together by "coincidence" (which I do not believe in). We don't recognize anything in particular that is wrong with us, but we just don't feel right... or maybe we are okay and the world around us is broken. Whatever it is, it connects us on a much deeper level than anything that divides us.  At least we can agree on that.

Anyway, I told Rudy that I lost my dad in 1989 to cancer, and I didn't get the chance to care for him or be with him at the end. Although it is difficult to watch someone you love suffer, you want to be there to help in whatever way you can. Despite my intense admiration and adoration, my dad died alone and far away. I wasn't given a choice in the matter. This time it will end differently.