When things go wrong, especially when there is a sequence of occurrences that seem to be working against my efforts and peace of mind, I usually try to just be quiet about it (unless someone asks). I don't want to give a bad day any additional power by affirming it. I can say it once I get home or to my destination, "today was a bad day". That usually makes me feel better. Everyone has bad days. Sometimes they are consecutive. Sometimes I get pissed off about it. I try not to let it get so bad that I completely lose my temper because...well, it scares me. I'm afraid of what I am capable of. I think it's all part of the human condition. We have to create our own balance and order within to avoid snapping and losing control. There is more and more of it on the news these days: folks killing each other, the kids and themselves. Sure, that is the worst of it - the very end of the spectrum, but the small battles we wage with life every day are our practice bouts leading up to that big title round, right? This morning I was overwhelmed by the feeling of loss. I am losing this battle. I need to take a break from it or just leave it alone altogether. I don't want to fight anymore. I can't win this one. I'm starting to take it out on people who haven't done anything to deserve it. I'm gonna write it all down and hopefully it will finally be over so I can move on.
A couple of weeks ago, Secret Squirrel and I took a road trip to Reno. We both wanted to get away, and my luck at the casinos has been good this year. I think he may have been hoping to have some of it rub off on him. I guess luck just doesn't work that way. We both lost. The total combined was somewhere around $1500. We also lost contact with each other in downtown Reno. After soliciting a stranger for use of a cell phone and waiting around with a terrible migraine for two hours in a smoky casino, I ended up taking a taxi back to our hotel because he had the car keys. He showed up back at the room about two hours later (5AM). We showered and got in bed, where I suffered for an additional 2-3 hours with nausea from the migraine and the antibiotic I was taking for strep throat. The next day, we hung out for another few hours before hitting the road. I was done. I was done the first day. After losing $200, I wanted to go home. Little did I know that I still had another $500+ to lose and a night of sickness still ahead of me. All the food we ate that weekend sucked. I wanted to visit some of the nicer Reno restaurants, but the boy wanted to dine at the greasy spoons. We compromised, and nobody was happy. Although I could drink with the antibiotic I was taking, alcohol made the headaches worse. I haven't been smoking weed for a while, so I hadn't prepared for that option. Also, weed is so very illegal in Nevada. It was a complete bust, but I didn't want the boy to feel bad about me not having a good time. He said he had fun, so that was all that mattered to me at the time. I'd recover from the discomfort and the money is just money - it comes and goes. Looking back, I should have cancelled the trip when I found out I had strep throat the week prior. Duh. that was an idiot move.
I think I've just been too concerned with making other people feel comfortable or making sure other people are happy. I've always considered myself to be pretty spoiled and selfish, so it's weird to discover that it might not be completely true. My mother has always told me that I was spoiled, self-absorbed and insensitive. Perhaps, as an adult, I've been trying so hard to compensate for it that I have somehow managed to become too giving. I still don't believe that for a minute, but let's just explore this hypothetically for a minute.
After the road trip, I had a few days before my birthday so I got caught up at work and took almost a week off to just relax and get some things done around the house. Alex and I took a snowboarding day trip the day before my bday to Sierra at Tahoe. It rocked! I switched my feet on the snowboard from goofy (the only position I've ever used snowboarding) to traditional. I kept moving to the backward side when I was in the goofy stance, so I said why not try it the other way. I had to learn how to stop all over again, but I think it's still the right way now. My back knee started hurting and I had a sharp pain in it for a few days following that excursion. It's just now back to normal. I think I tweaked it on the lift while trying to hold my board away from Alex's. Whatever. It's okay now. We passed by Red Hawk Casino in Placerville on the way home, where I managed to win a few hundred bucks. We got back to the Bay Area about twenty minutes before midnight. When I got to Secret Squirrel's place, I was exhausted. I should have just gone home - idiot move #2. He didn't have my birthday gift and he wanted me to be awake so we could hang out. My fault (that's what I thought at the time anyway).
The next day, since I hadn't prepared for sleeping over at SS's, I had to go home so I could get changed and ready to face the world. SS had taken the day off to spend with me. I had other plans (albeit not very solid or impressive plans, but plans nonetheless). He didn't tell me until the night before that he took the day off to spend with me. It was a Wednesday, so I figured I'd be flying solo or perhaps with Mom. I wanted to texturize my hair, get my eyebrows waxed, restock my overnight bag with essentials, get my car detailed, get a manicure and pedicure and get to the casino (where they were having a party 10AM - 10PM). This "day off to spend with me" complicated my schedule, and I wasn't too keen on spending any time with him as it was, so I decided to go ahead and do my hair and eyebrows. I got home, showered and dressed and then called him to find out where he wanted to have lunch (I skipped breakfast so we could at least eat together). He said he'd made plans for some of his own errands and was therefore not available until later in the afternoon (and then only for a couple of hours). At that point, I was wondering what happened to spending the day with me, but I was too hungry and irritated to even give it any more thought.
After I ate, I called him back and we talked about how he hadn't used the bday gift suggestions that he insisted I give him earlier that week, so what was the point of me racking my brain for the damn list anyway? I figured that the one person I spend most of my free time with should know me well enough to know what I like. If he was having that much trouble picking a gift, then fine give me the money. He said he knew what he wanted to give me but it would be a few days. Ok cool. Whatever. The week blew by, ending with Game Night #1 with Alex, Martina and Tracey on Saturday, which was more fun than I could have anticipated. Overall, I'd say it turned out pretty well.
I got my gift from the boy on the following Monday (I did mention that my bday was Wednesday, right?). He gave it to me that night after we had a long talk in the car about how I felt about the things that had transpired between us over the previous week with the miscommunications and disappointment. It was a boxed collection of the Family Guy cartoon series (plus) which included a ping-pong set (minus - who the hell plays ping pong?) and a poker set [which I already own and have been storing on the bookshelf at his house for several months since I never use it] (double-minus). I told him before opening it that Martina had already given me the Family Guy Season 6 (half-minus since he didn't know that when he bought it). I tore the shrink wrap off and the shattered glass box fell apart in my hands (triple-minus). I told him not to give it any more thought because the issue had already been discussed and the universe was obviously conspiring against him on this. Since then, I have also discovered that the first 5 discs in the set do not play. This awful gift just won't die, will it? I should have taken the money when I had the chance. I guess that is idiot move #3 on my part. When you want something done right...Next year, I'm taking myself for a spa day.
There have been other little things bothering me as well. Mother asked me to give her some money as usual, as if it was just another day. She put $100 in my card, and I returned it to her since I know she's on a fixed income and I really didn't need it as much as she did. Then, she asked for more! I said, "Why are you harassing me on my birthday?" I eventually put the additional $100 on her kitchen table with a note saying that she didn't have to bother taking me to dinner. "I’ll find something on my own out there." I think family just treats you like shit because you're stuck with them for life. They don't have be concerned about your happiness. By the end of that day, which I decided was around 7PM to be merciful on myself, I just wanted to be left alone. I got in bed when the sun was still out and was asleep before 9PM. The next day, mother gave me back my $100 (out of guilt no doubt) and took me to dinner after I drove her to her appointment at the Philippine Embassy.
On a more upbeat note, Alex and Martina have been great sports throughout this whole fiasco. They listen to all my bitching, get me out of my funk and I always feel better afterwards. Also, most of the scratches I got on my rear bumper from that kid rear-ending me a couple weeks ago are barely visible after two car waxes. Oh, and I am FINALLY well! The cough, sore throat, fever and hives finally went away. I’m done with antibiotics and caught up on my sleep. Since Secret Squirrel has been getting on my nerves, I have been spending more nights at home and therefore getting the rest I need. In fact, I think I’ll wait until he has set up that memory foam mattress I got for him before I go over there again. The damn thing has been leaning against the wall in the corner of the hallway, still in the shipping carton, for over two weeks now! See what I mean? How annoying is that? Ugh. I could have used that money for a spa day and still had some left over for a nice dinner afterwards. Technically, that would be idiot move #2 since I bought it before the road trip.
Is it just inevitable that men just slack off once they get comfortable? They expect us to maintain our figures, care for them, dote on them and every once in a while surprise them with a little something special. This is every day people! Then when a special day comes along, where’s my damn return? I really want to be over this. I want this to stop bothering me. I want the effort to truly be equal. I don’t want to just hear the words; I want to see the action. YOU MEN ARE SO FULL OF SHIT! I need to go back to being abstinent. This is bullshit.
I thought I was skipping over all this stupid shit by being in a casual type of involvement, but it’s all the same. I need to just sleep with someone that I don’t give a fuck about. That way, I won’t feel compelled to help him when he’s having trouble or give him tokens of affection. Then I won’t expect the same in return. I will never again have to give head because he’s horny and I’m on my period. I can just tell him to kiss my ass and really mean it. I can send all his calls to voicemail and then delete the messages without listening to them. I can move on to the next MF that catches my eye without remorse or a second thought. I won’t have to provide closure. I can just stop talking to a MF. Is that how I need to act for shit to change? Will you MFs be paying attention then? Fuckers…
…and I don’t give a shit how many assholes read this and get mad. If it wasn’t true, you wouldn’t have any reason to be upset.
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