Appetizers are so good that I could make a meal out of them

For years, I have considered myself an “In-Between”. I consistently meet and connect with guys who have some sort of intimacy blockage, broken heart or general mistrust of women. I find it interesting how they always end up trusting me. It probably has a great deal to do with how I see relationships. I view everything (especially matters of the heart) as transient. It takes a little bit of getting used to, but it’s liberating. It’s surprising how much you can enjoy an experience when you see it as the last one of its kind. The worst assholes of all end up being the sweetest and most thoughtful lovers. I guess they have to be when they know that this is it – no do-overs.

On extremely rare occasions I meet someone like me, another “In-Between”. Secret Squirrel, in my mind, fit into this category. The more I think about it, the more I realize that he is not meant to continue on in my life as a friend. He just doesn’t fit in anywhere. I don’t see us all chummy and palling around over beers and peanuts. I can see our next chance meeting’s palpable tension and sideways glances. I can see us talking for a few minutes in a grocery store. I thought about perhaps trying him on as my own personal in-between, but I’m afraid I’m just not programmed that way. Also, I can’t imagine repeatedly being so close with one person without developing feelings for them beyond what is manageable for an in-between. In that type of arrangement, someone is destined to get hurt.

I’ve been avoiding writing about the new guy. I have many reasons. First and foremost, I am completely smitten. My objectivity is pretty much nil at this point. I am incapable of making sensible decisions right now, so I’m doing my best to defer committing to anything. It’s challenging because he, like me, has a tendency to jump into things head first and make grand plans. Somebody has to keep a foot on the ground, for crying out loud! I’m doing my best. He’s just so damn hot… I get all flustered.

When he asked why I am not married or in a long term relationship I said, “Because I’m complex.” At the time, I felt it was the truth. However, it may actually be the opposite. Perhaps I simplify too much. Maybe I shouldn’t say what’s on my mind. Maybe I shouldn’t be transparent. Maybe I should play the game everyone else is playing. Maybe I should want the things that everyone else seems to value. Once in a while, I do consider it. I have those urges, just like everyone else, to cling to people and to hold on to things that remind me of happy times in love that is now lost. I too feel nostalgic when I hear a song or smell a fragrance that stirs up memories from the past. It’s the delightful bitter sweetness of being human. I prefer that to the resentment that grows stronger with each passing day spent in a relationship that has outlived its enjoyment. When I say that I get bored, it’s not meant as an insult. You could say it’s a coping mechanism. There’s no need to despair when something dies because it lived.

I always come back here. This quiet place in my mind tells me that it would be so much more pleasant to go for a walk than to waste time worrying about how other people think. Even this seemingly insignificant moment could be better spent with the sun on my face and the wind in my hair. In the time it takes to work myself up into pointless anxiety, I can watch a bee pollinate a dozen blossoms. Speaking of which, has anyone else noticed the decline in the bee and butterfly population? It’s truly tragic.




RIP Michael Jackson - poor guy never had a real life, a musical genius treated like a zoo animal. The world is so ugly sometimes.


Oh, and Happy Birthday Mushun