Take the dream away and just let me be.

It's weird, feeling heartbroken about a thing. It feels a lot like the time that passed right after my father died. I used to hear his voice on the street and turn around to look, only to realize that it wasn't him and remember that he was gone for good. I look at pictures of Venus, my dream bike that I finally had the chance to ride after wishing for her for 15 years (and never really believing that it would happen for real). She's gone. 

The dream of being surrounded by, playing with and fine tuning the machines that always excited and intrigued me is dying. I thought that holding on to the goal of getting back to pursuing it would keep hope alive, but knowing how close I was to realizing it is just making me miserable. My heart sinks every time I think of it, every time I hold my breath to listen to a passing engine. I forgot about it when I entered the work force. I accepted my station. After striking out to chase that dream over the past year and feeling so driven and alive, it's extremely difficult to do what must be done right now. I rediscovered my childhood sweetheart, fell deeply in love with it and now I must give it up again. It's time that I faced the reality that I really am giving it up. There's no way that I can go back to school anytime soon, and there is so much debt that I'll likely need several years if not the rest of my life to dig myself out once I am in a position to look for work again. 

I'm wondering if I should just surrender my car to remove the financial burden of paying the note and insurance. Since I'm basically surviving on the charity of others, I think it should at least be considered. I won't be able to transport mom to and from her dialysis and other appointments, but she could potentially use paratransit or some other disabled transport service. It is not realistic to believe that I can have a car without an income. Another sacrifice. You'd think that it would get easier.