wasteland of the ruins that were once my life

Mom still needs 24 hour supervision. I left her for fifteen minutes to go to the post office yesterday (she lost her SSI W2 so I had to mail a request for a duplicate), and she went wandering outside. If not for the steps at the front door, I wouldn't have such anxiety about it. I was angry with her for defying me and leaving the house. She didn't try to call me to see where I was, so she didn't do it because she forgot; She purposely went outside to be rebellious. 

Tomorrow I have an interview for a barback position at a place in Alameda that I once frequented because of its location. When Jeff and I lived nearby, it was our closest bar. I would be hopeful about that if I didn't get such grim news about my taxes today. I don't know how I'll come up with the $706 the preparer is charging me to file them, much less the several thousands I owe despite the prepayments I made last year. The preparer warned me that I will pay dearly for not having heath coverage right now, but without income I don't see how I'm supposed to remedy the situation. I'm ruined. I can't think of it any other way.to look at it. I am ruined.

When I picked mom up from dialysis today, she was weak and weepy. She's declining steadily. They need to move her dialysis access point because it's not safe to keep it where it is, but she's too weak to be put under anesthetic. The estimate of when they'll even consider putting her under is two to three months from now, so whatever they do will have to happen with only local anesthetic. It's likely going to be extremely painful both during and after the procedure. I don't think she should do the home dialysis because she's too damned headstrong to follow directions. I also think that she has a UTI. She barely drinks any water, and we're constantly arguing about it. The advice from the dialysis nurse to limit her beverage intake only made it worse. I'm in way over my head.

So... Murder-suicide? The only other option seems to be bankruptcy and government assistance. Either way, I'll need to surrender my car. It's the last piece of my old comfortable life. There isn't anything else left to give up.