stop getting my hopes up

The original estimate for how long it would take to get me back on the road was BS. I’m sure that Dr. Hotness didn’t intend to bullshit me, but it’s clear that I’m not ready to start running yet. I’m almost two weeks overdue, not that it’s at all important for me to keep count.


I almost don’t miss it… almost. I’ve been doing a lot of yoga: between 40 minutes and 2 hours every day. I’ve been on and off with the meditation, sacrificing it for yoga, cardio or sleep. Today is the 3rd day that I didn’t have a morning session. Tomorrow I will have one! Must. Hypnotize. Self. In the evenings I squeeze as much of my physical therapy homework and yoga in as I possibly can before bedtime. I’ve been getting to bed later, 10:30 – 11:30PM. It’s not helping the meditation practice at all. When I turn the alarm off in the morning I feel like I am hung over. Not cute.

I think I’m very close to being ready to run on dirt at least. I’ve been playing A LOT of Kinect Dance Central. Sure, my knee still feels uncomfortable, but it doesn’t have that disturbing intensity until I’ve been dancing for about 4 hours. Yesterday I experimented with taking breaks, and I was able to get up to 6 hours when I take a 5-15 minute break every couple of hours. After 6 hours, though, I was tired and it was too late to keep going. I’ll have to test it out again starting earlier in the day next time. He he he. It was pretty fun. Despite how stiff I felt, I spent an hour and some change doing Shiva Rea’s Moon Sequence on her Yoga Shakti DVD - http://shivarea.com/online-store. I really like the Yoga Matrix, where you can pick which poses you want to do in your session, but there’s a really irritating delay in the transitions.

The great news is that my IT band is super loose following the 10 days without any cardio exercise. I got some really deep TFL bodywork, and it wasn’t nearly as painful as it was before the retreat. I gave Dr. Hotness my hypothesis about how I’ve managed to make so much progress in such a short time, but he prefers to believe that it’s all from his treatment. Whatever. You say tomato… The important thing is that I’m getting better. I had my first visit to the physical therapist at Kaiser, as recommended by my Primary Care Physician. Apparently she has some suspicion of other recovery methods, so she wants me to see the official hospital physical therapist. As it turns out, my Kaiser PT is a very forward-thinking practitioner (Leslie somebody). She wants to support my ongoing treatments with other practitioners by simply monitoring my progress and adding one or two new complementary exercises as needed. Unfortunately, I don’t think the crunching noise is going anywhere. I’ll look more into that after we’ve done something about the bone-on-bone issue. Priorities.

During a Feldenkrais session I said out loud, “I feel so much better balanced since I haven’t been doing any weight training.” My Super Scorpion is actually fun now! I used to wrestle myself into a sweat just trying to turn onto one side, and now I can roll over in either direction while having a conversation. I ran it by Dr. Hotness, and he agreed. I’m already really muscular (I needed to be reminded of that); there’s no need to make them bigger. He suggested I try Pilates and wrinkled his face a bit at the mention of yoga, but I’m an independent thinker (LOL read: hard-headed). After having a home practice refresher with our resident yogi, I came to the realization that I should just swear off certain common poses until further notice. I ran across a couple of them during the Yoga Shakti video last night as well – double pigeon is the devil. Have you seen the pose? NOT IT!

If I stop wearing anti-perspirant, I'll be 100% hippie.

It’s unusual for me to post blogs on consecutive days, especially with the two hours of meditation I’m in the process of adding to my daily routine. However, I felt like today really needed an entry.

This morning I woke up feeling like I’d been thrown out of a moving vehicle. It would be easier for me to list the muscles and joints that aren’t sore. Of course it’s getting worse as the day wears on. Somehow I’m still in a great mood.

I only made it through about 12 minutes of meditation last night after 20 minutes of restorative yoga. I threw in the towel, assuming that I really needed sleep much more than anything else. Man, was I right! I woke up at 5:27AM, 3 minutes before my alarm. I sat up, arranged my pillow pile and sat for almost a full hour of meditation. There was a 3 minute interruption when my space heater freaked out and jarred me out of my trance like a blaring fire alarm. I jumped up, full flight, and soared across the room to turn it off. I didn’t know that I could move that fast! Usually it takes me about 10 seconds to wake my feet back up from the sitting posture, and I was also sore and a little bit sleepy still. Whoa. It took me the next 2+ minutes to wind myself back down. I have this hand motion that I like to do to remind myself to let go. It looks like I’m grabbing something from the side of my head and throwing it down on the floor. I had to do that a couple of times to shake off being startled.

Afterwards I poured myself a gigantic cup of coffee with soy creamer and, instead of getting back in bed with it like I usually do, I made the bed and prepped for yoga. A few sun salutations and twists later, I finished off my coffee and got ready for work. My 17-mile commute took me an hour this morning – UGH. I didn’t seem to mind it much though. In fact, I didn’t even realize how long it had taken until I spoke to my cube-mates later about how well my morning came together.

I broke 500 miles on one tank of gas. The low fuel light came on at 502 miles exactly. I probably could have gotten even more out of it if traffic wasn’t so horrendous. Not bad for a 2006 Jetta TDI. I know I’m not supposed to love a car, but it is really making it easy for me. I am so thankful. I’ve picked a couple of lemons, and it’s a real pain in the ass.

During a coffee convo this morning, I talked about one of my old friends who has typically been challenging to get along with. Another mutual friend gave me kudos for staying in touch with him and, against all odds, remaining his friend. I explained that I believe everyone has value. This particular friend, mostly by observing him, reminds me not to take things for granted. He reminds me that everyone has feelings, and I should apologize when I hurt them (even if I’m “right”). He reminds me that being nice is often so easy and brings such great reward. He reminds me that, no matter how small, a good deed is always worth doing when you have the ability – regardless of whether or not the person you are doing it for appreciates it because you are really just doing it for yourself and your own self-worth. He reminds me that ‘what’s in it for me?’ is not an acceptable attitude. He also reminds me, and this is HUGE for me right now, that not everyone feels compassion or even realizes their influence on others, and that doesn’t make someone an evil or inferior person. We are all ignorant is some regard.

No, it's not a cult.

I haven’t written a blog in a while because, well, I’ve been feeling unusually sane since returning from a 10-day silent meditation retreat. The Northern California Vipassana Center has 10-day courses throughout the year: http://www.manda.dhamma.org/. Although this particular facility (there are three in California) is a bit no-frills, I greatly benefitted from the lack of stimulation.


My first retreat was in Thailand in the rural town of Chaiya at Suan Mokkh Monastery in November of 2008. That was quite an experience. First timers to this type of program are always a bit crazed during the first half of the course because of the overwhelming onslaught of thoughts. At Suan Mokkh I also had the added stress of being abroad alone for the first time in a place I’d never before visited. I ran out of bug spray about halfway through the program, and my money was locked up with the rest of my valuables and electronics. I would not have access to them until day 10. The mosquitos were eating me alive. I was screwed BIG TIME. Although I look back and admire my former self’s resolve for sticking with it and overcoming the maddening itching of dozens of bites, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I’ve recommended the course to many, but I warn each person to make sure they are armed with enough supplies (especially bug spray) to make it through to the end.

At Dhamma Manda I had the chance to observe first-timers and entertain myself with their misery. Don’t get me wrong, I had my own issues with joint pain and boredom, but these thing s are to be expected. I had forgotten just how much pain is associated with 10-11 hours of sitting meditation, but that’s not what you take away from the experience. I think the first time is more life-altering than the second, but I definitely understood more of the concepts in the lectures. I also had more of a sense for how important it was that I absorb as much of the teachings as possible. Once you go home, the world comes rushing back into your life and the calm quiet mind is nearly impossible to hold on to.

Although all of the lectures are prerecorded DVDs of S.N. Goenka, the teaching is very well put together. Considering how much he wanders off topic, it had to be a challenge to organize. New students to Dhamma Manda are allowed to attend their first course for free, as a gift from former attendees. The reasoning behind this is that once you have gained the key to unlock serenity and balance within yourself, you will want to share it with as many people as possible. In the end this concept is genius. I’m signed up for a recurring monthly donation.

Sure, it's not for eveyone - nothing really is.  I'mn finding a major challenge is continuing my meditation practice at home: one hour in the morning and one in teh evening.  o far I've only made it through a full hour sitting twice.  Supposedly if you are able to make meditation part of your life for a full year, you will become a lifelong meditator.  Well, even if I don't end up being a lifelong meditator , at least I can have more awareness of myself.  That alone was worth it.

Feels good to be back

I'm just finished up my first week back in the gym, and I feel really good. I had to keep reminding myself to take it slowly. I still managed to make myself outrageously sore, but I suppose I wouldn't have been satisfied if I hadn't.

On Tuesday I had a half hour of full body strengthening with traditional exercises like bench press, shadow boxing with dumbbells, modified burpees, step-ups and crunches every which way. I also had a half hour of bodywork on my adductors (did I spell that correctly?) and IT band.

Wednesday was another half hour of bodywork and a half hour of physical therapy on my own.

Thursday, another half hour of work on the IT band and 10 minutes of rolling the hip on a PVC pipe. Followed that up with 100 kettle bell swings, 25 kettle bell squats (those felt weird because my knee is still scraping) and a handstand mini-clinic. I think the handstands did more for my confidence than anything else.

Friday was hands-on Feldenkrais. I felt pretty beat up, so I arrived to my training session without any direction or ambition. As he always does, The Sage knew what I needed. All I had to do was show up.

Yesterday I went to a nice slower-paced yoga class. My knee was a bit tender afterwards but I felt strong throughout the class. We're getting there.

This week's chiropractor appointment went very well. The knotted areas where my IT Band is fused have begun to soften. I think we may even get some movement this week! I'm hopeful. I finally received my PVC roller for home and FiveFinger shoes. This newer pair is much more comfortable than the previous because the material is thinner and more flexible. I'd like to try a half size bigger, especially before attempting to run in them. I still have at least another 4 weeks before considering running again though. Baby steps.

posted from Bloggeroid

More Whining

I can’t stand complaining, doing it or hearing it. Lately I’ve been doing a lot of it.


I can’t run. Well, I could run if I absolutely had to but it would just cause me pain. I went to see the chiropractor last Thursday as advised by The Sage. My IT Band Syndrome is developing rapidly, causing the hip (TFL) pain that makes me limp.

The way he described it was that two things that would normally slide back and forth beside each other have been so tight that heat from the friction has fused them together in several places. Those frozen spots are preventing my knee cap from moving the way it was intended, and now it is threatening to become immobile. Everything from there is just a series of domino effect compensations I’ve been making while attempting to manage my active lifestyle.
After listening to the rice crispies during a test squat (he actually winced when he heard it), he did something (very painful) to my knee and it stopped its crackling for a few hours. The crunchies eventually returned, but they’re still not as loud as before I went to see him. I had this disconnected sensation in my kneecap for a while. I went out for a little dancing that night – a sad excuse for dancing, really. I didn’t even come close to breaking a sweat out of fear that I would hurt myself or reverse the work I received. Still, it was nice to be out for a change. It was apparent at that point that the Nike Women’s Marathon isn’t happening for me, so why not go out for a drink?

Dr. Hotness (Did I mention that he’s hot? Yeah, it’s a little distracting but a welcome distraction) told me to “take it easy”, which is word for word what The Sage told me a couple of weeks ago when I switched from impact cardio to cycling. Apparently cycling is not “easy” enough? Just when I thought the worst was over, he did some work on my hip too. It hurt like a bitch! Thankfully it was brief.

In addition to rest, he recommended some PVC pipe roller time for both the hip and IT Band.  He also showed me an exercise to strengthen my weak vastus medialus on the right leg (left one is fine) using a resistance band.

I placed an order for my very own PVC roller to have at home. I’ve also gone in for some deep bodywork on the trouble area – even better than just rolling. I have a half hour scheduled for every day this week. I am completely focused on making this recovery as speedy as possible. I CANNOT WAIT UNTIL THIS IS RESOLVED!!!

Dr. Hotness is confident that I’ll be running again with ease. He wants to see my shoes – this makes me nervous because I know I shouldn’t be using so much support. I always buy trail shoes because they aren’t as soft as regular road running shoes, but they’re still evil. I ordered a new pair of “barefoot” runners. Hopefully they will arrive soon so I can start breaking them in. That will cheer me up a little.

I’m extremely endorphin-deprived. I’m cranky. I binge. My energy level is inconsistent. I drink too much coffee, I sleep fitfully and I’m just miserable. I feel like someone else, not myself. I don’t even know who this person is. She is getting on my last nerve with her constant complaining. Three weeks! Three weeks is how long I am to “take it easy” to figure out if the physical therapy is working. No leg workouts for three weeks? Can I do that? I’m gonna go nuts! Maybe I am already nuts! Leg workouts are the only thing I know: run, climb stairs, bike, hike, dance. What else is there?

I feel lost. I went to see a therapist on Friday. I told her that I need help to keep it together during this weird transition. It all started with the upper respiratory infection earlier this year. I haven’t been myself since. I’ve been this unrecognizable mess. I’ve been in denial of it all too. Time to turn this handbasket around! I have to accept that I am not invincible. I am getting older. I’m not as physically resilient as I used to be. I need more rest, better nutrition and less impulsiveness. I have to take better care of myself. I’m not a kid anymore. It’s depressing.

funky attitude

I’ve been convinced not to give away my Nike entry. I just have to tough it out and deal with the punishment. That’s really what it is right now, self-inflicted.


I’m in a blue place right now. I won’t say it’s dark exactly because I have been particularly focused and motivated at work. I’ve also started reading again, which always improves my mood. I’ve discovered the endless supply of free ebooks online, and I’m excited about finishing the one I’m currently reading so I can browse for the next one. I need to make more time to read. I considered riding public transit for that purpose only. I’m still mulling it over.

The main issue that is depressing to me is my fitness level right now. I still wear the same clothes, but they look awful on me. My body is reshaping itself in a manner that I find very unattractive. It’s making me uncomfortable in my skin. I have no confidence in my interactions with the opposite sex because I shrink away from anyone looking at me. I wonder if obese people feel the same way. However, I am NOT curious enough to experience it firsthand. I’m hoping this energy slump from the detox diet wears off by Saturday morning. I’m riding my bike to 24 Hour Fitness for Turbo Kick and Yoga. I’m hoping to push myself to go to Zumba and Step the next morning as well.

Thank goodness for my 24 membership – I can go there and reclaim my body in anonymity. I used a lot of 24 treadmill time to build up to my first constant mile back when I picked up running for the first time as an adult about 5 years ago. It doesn’t matter how out of shape you are because there is such a huge range of fitness levels there. Also, nobody cares what the hell you are doing. Here, in our office gym, everyone is so interested in what is going on. Don’t get me wrong, that is exactly why I love it here. I’m just not in the frame of mind to share this part of my journey with someone.

I have a groupon thingy for a yoga studio near here too. That will keep me from injuring myself. I’m going today. That will definitely help my mood. It won’t do jack shit for my body image, but such is life, eh?

I am only a human being

I still haven’t begun training for the Nike Marathon. I have eight weeks. I am so screwed. I’ve fallen further down into the depths of couch potato-ism than I’ve been in a very long time. I was probably around 19 or 20 years old. I’ve been in complete denial about the whole thing. For some reason I still thought I had 12 weeks left. No, Hester, you have two months not three. I’m not going to be able to run this whole thing. Finishing it is now the big challenge.  I sitll don't feel motivated to train.  I htink I need to give away my entry.  SOmeone told me to sell it, but I think that's probably breaking some rule.  I am not looking to get my money back anyway.  I just want the entry to be used because they are so hard to get.


I’m not sure what my issue is exactly. I haven’t wanted to train after falling ill just before the Mt. Shasta climb. I was beaten in every way possible: physically, mentally and emotionally. It was a very dark time for me. I just haven’t come back from it yet. I don’t understand why.