I need another deadbeat like I need a hole in my head

I have nothing of interest to say.

I wrote that like it’s something new.

I bore myself with my incessant droning on about these trivial obsessions.  Yet I continue.  I’ve been a raging bitch all week, and it’s not even PMS.  I lost it last night.  I felt the physical manifestations of my suppressed anger bubbling up to the surface last night.  My hands were unsteady as I tried to type letters on my blackberry.

I told SS to bring me my things that are still at his apartment.  I’ve been asking him to return my DVDs for more than 6 months.  He hasn’t even watched them.  There is no reason why he cannot return them.  The first few times I asked he said he simply forgot to bring them.  A few months passed – no DVDs.  I asked again this week, nicely.  He said that he was going to hold them until I provided ‘oral payment’ for them.  I shrugged it off and said’ yeah right just bring them to me.’  He kept going with what I guess he thought was a comical train of thought.  I was not so inclined.  I did not respond immediately because I didn’t feel like kidding around.  I sat on my hostility all day – how could he even propose such a thing when I already told him that I have no immediate plans of breaking things off with KB to go back to dating him.  When I got home, I let his ass have it.  I didn’t realize that it had been almost a year since I loaned him some money and he hasn’t paid back a single dollar…until I had a chance to stew on it.  I told him that the least he could do is bring me my DVDs that he hasn’t even watched since he doesn’t feel that it is necessary to pay a debt he has owed for almost a year.  This time it’s not just me being crazy.  It’s insulting!  There is no creditor on this earth who would be okay without at least getting a good faith payment for a full year if the original arrangement was to have the entire debt paid off in 9 months.  At first I asked myself if I was just being a bitch about it, but no I am not.  I have been more than sympathetic about the situation.  I know he stretches his paychecks tight.  I know he has a kid.  He also knows these things.  If he couldn’t afford to pay me back, then he shouldn’t have borrowed the money in the first place.  I’m not rich.  I need my shit.  It’s not about principle this time.  I asked him at the end of 2009 if he still intended on paying me back and he said he did.  So where is the damn money?  The fucked up part about the whole situation is that I wouldn’t even be making a big deal about it right now if he wasn’t holding my damn Power Yoga DVD hostage.  I don’t have the money to buy another one.  I shouldn’t have to.  It’s mine, he’s not using it and he owes me money.

Last night I wondered how much documentation I have of the money I loaned him, and I’m pretty sure I have it written and/or electronically with dates and amounts.  I have a terrible memory, so I tend to write things down. I also have bank statements to prove the withdrawals happened.   Then I’d have to take days off from work to jump through all the hoops, play that waiting game, serve him with a summons, yadda yadda yadda.  At some point I would eventually be doing it for principle.  Pain the fucking ass.  Then I thought of showing up at his part time evening gig and hanging out at the bar regularly until he pays his debt.  I wouldn’t need to say anything because he’s such a secretive person that he’d do everything in his power just to keep me from sticking around there.  Once I got driunk one good time, I’d tell the whole damn restaurant his business anyway…and make an ass of myself.  The more I thought about it, the more it just seemed like making this a bigger pain in the ass than it already is for me.  I needed to do something that will work faster; something that won’t take as long and I will only have to do once.  That thought process took me down into a deep, dark crevasse that I haven’t visited in a long time; things I hadn’t considered since I was a teenager – setting his car on fire, sending a box of dead rats to his office, selling his debt to a loan shark for a fraction of what he owes – evil things that could eventually lead to me going to jail or come to some other “Cops”-worthy dramatic end.

I don’t even want to deal with it!  Just bring me my shit and disappear back beneath that rock you crawled out from.  Stop pretending to be my damn friend.  The last thing I need in my life is another lying deadbeat.  Who needs friends like that?  Seriously, he needed help and I gave it.  Now I’m eking by from paycheck to paycheck and the MF hasn’t even paid me back a single dollar for an entire year.  I could loosen this budget up if he just made a payment one-fifth of what he owes.  That’s all… but it’s crystal clear that is not going to happen so stop fucking stringing me along.  Stop calling me.  Stop trying to be friends with me.  He had the nerve to get an attitude with me!  Whatever.  Just bring me my shit.  He hasn’t been an asshole or anything about it, but he hasn’t done what he gave his word that he would do – another deadbeat.  I don’t care about people’s intentions anymore.  A liar is a liar and a deadbeat is a deadbeat.  Secret Squirrel is both.  I guess your credit score really is a reflection of the person you are…

Let this be part of the lesson:

I will not loan anyone any money in an amount more than what I would give them for a birthday or Christmas (then I can say that it was their present).

I will not live with anyone again (unless I am madly in love with the mf).

I will not believe what anyone says they are going to do unless they prove themselves capable of doing it first.

To place so much faith in other people is foolish…