I'm just a girl

I’m moody. I suspect this is going to be the norm for the next few weeks.


Pat of having OCD is obsessing. I get stuck on something and worry myself incessantly about it. Since moving, that something has been money. I know that most people worry about money, but I just won’t shut up about it. I can’t go for more than a couple of hours without wondering how I am going to alleviate the stress.

I thought things were looking up because it’s bonus time at the office. As it turns out, I have to pay over $2000 in taxes because of some money I won gambling last year – which I in turn loaned out to people, and the bulk of what I loaned out went to SS who still hasn’t paid me back one stinkin’ penny. Between that and catching up on the maintenance issues I’ve had to neglect since moving to the new place, my entire bonus is already spent. I burned through my tiny bit of savings really fast while moving and during the first couple of months before I realized that KB wasn’t going to be a contributor. I haven’t had my car serviced in over six months. My motorcycle registration was mysteriously (and conveniently) lost in the mail (which, according to DMV, I am still responsible for), so I received the second notice in January stating that I now owe triple the original amount. I’m sure the amount has continued to grow exponentially while it has gone unpaid. I’m sacrificing every possible luxury and skimping in every way possible to make ends meet. I clip coupons. I shop the grocery stores by which items are on sale. I buy most of my household products from the dollar or 99 cent store (including using their antibacterial hand soap in place of medicated facial cleanser – it works surprisingly well). The only organic food I eat is what comes in my weekly veggie box. I haven’t had a single professional service since moving: oil changes, car washes, manicures, pedicures, haircuts, waxing, massages. I am finally getting a real haircut this week. I’ve determined that I need one every three months if I do my own trims in between. I also need to buy a new pair of running shoes and insoles; my knee is getting all weird and crackly again. Oh yeah, and there is also the matter of paying off the overage charges on my wireless account so I can have my phone turned back on…let’s not even go there again. I’m tired of being pissed off about that business. I want to just get past it. I tried to be nice to people, and I ended up inconveniencing myself. You really can’t count on people to do what they say. I’m starting to doubt that I will ever learn that lesson. I want to chalk it up to experience and just go on with my life, but apparently the lesson is really trying to cement itself in my mind. I just wonder if I can still learn the lesson without feeling angry about it.

I really am tired of being angry. It’s not helping anything, and when I calm down I just feel sad. Then I have to do the positive self talk to get going again. When my mind finally quiets down, I go right back to worrying about the money again. Then I go back to how I got in this situation, and I get angry again. I just repeat that cycle over and over. This is not a healthy state of mind to be in while intimately involved with anyone. I have to get myself together before I even think about dating again. I am still hurt and bitter and angry and despondent. I feel isolated emotionally. I don’t want to let anyone in. I’m too much of a mess.

I am trying to focus the obsession on something else – getting physically stronger. I tried focusing on changing my body, but I just got hung up on food like I usually do. I get desperate to see results and then I start doing crazy things with my diet. That’s never a good direction to go in; it only ends in bingeing. This way, I can let my body tell me what it wants to eat. I’ll work it really hard when I feel strong and back off a little bit when I start to feel worn out. I have a pretty solid schedule: Zumba on Mondays and Wednesdays, running (and strength training if I feel up to it) on Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Sunday. I also have yoga every Thursday afternoon. I’d like to switch that to Monday and Wednesday, in addition to Zumba, but so far I haven’t felt up to the challenge. Saturday is recovery day. I sleep a few extra hours, eat my fill of whatever I’ve been craving, stay up late watching TV, bar crawl, whatever. I also catch up on my magazines. There’s no journaling or coffee on that day either. It’s my day off from everything.

Last Saturday Twin Peaks and Puppetmaster came over to work on a film class assignment. I had planned on vegging all day and then going out to drink and dance that night. I ran into one of KB’s associates while buying a Red Bull in preparation for my evening out. We talked for a while and it made me feel sad, so I stayed in. I used my Sunday morning to be lazy instead. I went for my run just before dark in the rain. It was nice because there were only a few people out. I could zone out and be in my own world. It was a good way to end the weekend for a mending soul.