Where did the time go?

I was once a dreamer. I thought that everything in this world was an illusion. Love was the only reality and the sole reason to exist. Without it, life had no meaning. I zealously pursued what I believed was love. I wandered blind and aimless, oblivious to morality and responsibility.

Now that I am beginning to understand what it means to be an adult, I've lost the hopeful innocence that gave me the courage to reveal and share my most intimate self with someone - that fearlessness. I no longer look into someone's eyes for a twinkle or magical connection. Now, I am merely looking to figure out what part of their speech is truth and what is a lie. I used to be a hunter. Now I am just a house cat.

For a while I tried to recapture my youth. I find myself unable to pretend I am ignorant enough to be as brazen as I once was. I've been reminded of the unbearable guilt and anxiety just below the surface of that life. Living on that edge is for someone younger...at least someone who feels younger than I do.

I just feel tired now. I am done hunting save for the occasional solo jaunt on a particularly boring evening. Those are so few and infrequent that it hardly warrants mentioning, and I usually end up going to a boys' boys bar.

I make myself practically inaccessible to most men who could even catch my attention. I like to think that I am feigning an attempt at thwarting fate. However, it seems that I am actually succeeding.

Most of the eligible straight men I meet disgust me with the leering and mentally undressing me while I'm talking. The one-dimensional conversation bores me. I used to have this rule that I wouldn't take any man I met at a club seriously. The few times I broke that rule only ended the way I expected them to. I also apply that rule to the gym because hitting on someone at the gym is like shopping from a catalog; The only way to figure out if you're satisfied with a catalog item is to buy it. No thanks.

After spending a few hours in my quiet apartment without turning on the TV, I start to wonder if I'm lonely, bored or something else. I haven't figured out the answer yet. This may be fertile territory for some useful and meaningful internal dialogue. It has been such a long time since I've seized the opportunity to quiet my "busy voice" that is constantly reciting the daily and weekly To Do lists in my head. I'm curious to find out what I will learn when I sit still long enough to shut her up.
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