This week’s topic of passionate debate is the existence of soulmates and setting goals for future romantic involvements. Let me first say that I personally am not a fan of setting goals for intimate relationships. An artist doesn’t say, ‘this piece is going to be a portrait of a woman driving a car on the roundabout near Big Ben”. You just grab your brush/camera/pen and begin. The piece becomes itself, independent of what you may have intended or presumed. When you try to govern where it goes, it just turns into something, well, trite. I’ve made this mistake countless times in every facet of my life where it could possibly be. I live this mistake! Ha ha. Thank goodness I find humor in that.
I am not expecting to find a soulmate (just as I don’t expect to ever be considered a noteworthy artist). Lucky people find their soulmates – and these people know damned well that they are lucky. As for involvements with the non-soulmates, to shape and form what I want from a person before I’ve even met them is counterproductive for me. How can I know what I want from someone if I haven’t gotten a chance to know them? I can easily get caught up in who I think they should be instead of who they really are. I’ve done that before. I hurt myself. I hurt the other person. I don’t want to do that again.
Then there are values. Is it really necessary for you to have the same values as the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? You got me there. As soon as I meet this man, I will let you know. For now, I am satisfied with mutual honesty, trust and respect. Oh yes, and independence! I like having my own life and my own space. Twin Peaks thinks that she would be best matched with a man who shares the same core values as she does and wants to share his life completely with her. I agree; I just don't think that applies to me. I don't plan on raising any children, so it doesn't matter if he prefers timeouts and I prefer spankings. We don't have to agree about what age is old enough to go on a date or learn how to drive. Those are very important things for people who have kids or plan to have kids. She does. I can date a man with children as long as he doesn't expect me to become a stepmother. I look at a man with kids with a more discriminating eye than I do a man without them. The way a man treats his children is a direct reflection of who he is. If he isn't a responsible father, you can bet that he isn't a responsible lover or partner either. I'm not saying that absent dads intend on being flakes. I'm saying that's what they are, whether they intended it or not. That brings to mind another saying. "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions."
At the end of the debate, although Twin Peaks and I still disagree on what the basis of soulmate compatibility is, I determined what my one requirement is. Yes, I said just one! This of course this is assuming the other factors are already present: mutual attraction, similar sense of humor, socially compatibility. There is one thing that has been the ultimate deal breaker when everything else seemed to be in its proper place. My soul mate is someone who has the same threshold for bullshit as I do. That is always the last straw. It’s a slap in the face. It makes you ask yourself why you ever thought it was going to work in the first place.
I am most often drawn to men who make me laugh and whom I have fun with. Twice I’ve stopped seeing someone because of what I considered to be substance abuse. I’m not saying that the rest of society considered them substance abusers; I’m just saying that I did at the time. I’ve always dated coffee drinkers, so I haven’t had to experience being lectured about my dependence on coffee… I’ve been told to quit smoking many times. I haven’t been told recently though. It’s not because I’ve quit completely; I still smoke when I gamble and sometimes when I drink hard liquor, which brings me to a good point. I am in no position to tell a person what they can and can’t do. However, I don’t want to be with someone whose dependencies make it necessary for me to take over being the responsible adult while they are disabled by their intoxication – we’re talking physically, mentally, financially, whatever. Everyone is allowed too much of something once in a while, but when it becomes a regular occurrence you have to call it like you see it. I’ve been on both sides of that kind of relationship; it’s no picnic either way. There was a time when I drank a lot and I dated a guy who also drank a lot. Then I stopped drinking and he started drinking enough for the both of us. The relationship didn’t last long after that. When the bartender calls you in the middle of the night to come and get your man, it’s just not cute. Like I said, I’ve been on the opposite side of the equation too. However, I don’t remember those days too well. Damn alcohol…
So when it comes to the soul mate thing, I try not to put all my eggs in that basket. If I get lucky enough to find my soul mate, I’ll be singing his praises all over the place. If I don’t, I’ll just be happy enjoying the company of whoever I’m with. I don’t consider the non-soulmate a waste of time. If I decided that I would only spend time with someone that I thought could be my soulmate, then I would be inferring that I might know how to find my soulmate. If I knew that, why the hell would I have waited this long?
1 comment:
The more I think soulmates the more it sounds like something you only believe in as a child, like the tooth fairy or Santa clause. I don't like the idea of romanticizing it that way. Most relationships I see around me are made up of people that allow each other to change and evolve, but there is always an anchor to make sure the relationship is stable enough to stay in place. Whatever that anchor is, just be damn sure its going to hold you through the bad times.
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