I keep examining the decline of my happiness. I had no delusions about returning home. I knew that this would not improve my emotional state. I also knew that I would be lost and plagued with guilt if I completely severed ties with my family. It was a difficult choice. Not unlike the upcoming election, I had to settle for the lesser evil. That's what I thought I'd done.
The longer I remain here, the less I value my life. Many of the things that brought me joy gradually disappeared. Others lost their magic. I occasionally still play xbox, but I have so little time to myself that I feel like I'm forcing myself to play. It's not fun anymore. What made it fun was the company. Now I have no place to host a group of friends, no time alone or privacy to enjoy a friend's company and no money to go somewhere to hang out. I have been without income for months. I am sick of relying on charity. It's humiliating.
I have never wanted a job so badly in my life. I thought that keeping my mother healthy would be its own reward, but I also assumed that I'd be able to at least work part time. I didn't realize that I'd be a full time babysitter and referee for adults who act like children. The arguments and tantrums are so damned silly, and the only way to shut them up is to remind them that I gave up everything to be here. I have a right to be more pissed off than either of them, but I don't bother because it doesn't solve anything. All the fighting is stupid. I'm sick of it. I'm the youngest person here, and I'm always the peacemaker. Does that make any sense at all?
I need a break.
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