Phew

I don't know what to do with myself. I think about the gambling and the designer party drug scene and all the money I spent. I mostly remember the dancing. It was always about the dancing. I didn't need drugs to dance if the music was good, but it was most often just tolerable and I needed to dance out all my frustrations. Hours would fly by and everything that worried me would evaporate away with my sweat. Over the years I watched some of my closest friends get lost in the drugs, but I mostly kept to the dancing. It's funny how I can take a break from something that seems impossible to resist. I've always wondered how I managed it. I even surprised myself when cocaine made a glamorous comeback. It's not that I didn't like it. I just had this terrible feeling that it was more than I could handle. I spent my entire life avoiding the law as much as possible, and cocaine, mushrooms, crystal meth, special k and a slew of others that I never had the courage to try all seemed like they were going to get me in serious trouble. I just wanted to have fun. In general, none of that shit is fun. It's just like alcohol - you can have a great time when you're tipsy and your inhibitions are lowered enough to silence self-conscious thoughts, but once you're drunk it all turns ugly. It's another delicate balance. I think that's also why I stopped smoking weed. I enjoy feeling relaxed and tipsy, but I hate being so intoxicated that I can't trust my own judgement or worse, that I am completely out of control. I hate waking up the next day regretting things I've said or done. I got enough of that when I was discovering the effects of alcohol in high school. Once you turn 18, consequences get all too real.

I wonder how I'm gonna find a good physical outlet without the money for parking, gas and club cover charges. Even if I could miraculously come up with all that, mediocre music would only frustrate me. In Phoenix I looked for studios where recreational dancers could go and get a good sweat, but I spent so many of my waking hours chasing money that there was nothing left for dancing. 

I have almost three hours of free time on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday mornings that I use for errands. I contemplated going to the gym instead, but I haven't made it there yet. I'm not sure what I'll do there on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but Saturday mornings have a few promising class options. I just need a little bit of gas money, which shouldn't be difficult to squirrel away once I've taken care of my already overdue car registration. Yes, the gym will probably be my saving grace. Not only does it give me an important physical outlet, but it's also a potential hub for socializing. I need some of that back in my life too. I am so glad that I kept my yearly membership dues paid.

During the past week I managed to make myself presentable, no longer leaving the house in sweats and a baseball cap. I don't have anywhere to go, but I think it's helping all the same. I still have that little nagging feeling of wanting to start a fire (figuratively) or wander into a dark and seedy, back alley bar and get drunk with a stranger. That's probably what motivated me to cut my hair, shave and exfoliate. But I've somehow managed not to do anything stupid. I'm gonna call that a win.