Upon Waking

The transition from the dream world to the waking world has an odd beauty in it. I haven't yet figured out that what I'm seeing is real, so I'm still observing as though I expect it to morph into something else before my eyes. 

This morning, in my dreams, I had a conversation with my mom's doctor about treating her ailments with medical marijuana. As the dream pushed me away and out into reality, I held on to the idea. It is a good idea. After gathering my wits, I grabbed the phone and read up on the accessibility of mm in my area. Since she and I are surviving on her fixed income, the cash only access to mm is a major limitation. 

I've spent long hours considering our finances. I am, without a doubt, very uncomfortable. I frequently must console mom about money since she is both mentally and physically unable to help. She still worries although she knows that she is powerless. I must pretend for her sake not to be worried. I'm not sure how convincing I am, but I'm doing my best. I lose a lot of sleep over it. When I woke up at 4:30 this morning, I didn't get upset  about it. I knew that insomnia would return, so I just sat with it and let my mind go through whatever motions it desired.

I went back through my triggers for a while. Then I felt a bit of space open up, which allowed me to just observe without reacting. I saw myself always shielding from attacks and feeling anger about not being able to find peace. I saw myself feeling pain from criticism that was never fully directed at me, but projections of what others felt about themselves. I saw myself magnetized to negative emotions, drawing them in from every direction, absorbing them and allowing them to change me. I saw the optimist in me shrinking away. I saw my happiness as a tiny flicker being blown by gusts of wind with every word I used to weaken myself.

I am not a fighter. How many times have I said and written those words? I was lying. I am fighting all the time against myself. I have so many selfish desires that I completely deny. They're not evil, but I feel guilty for having them. If I was talking to someone else, I would tell them that they have every right to pursue whatever makes them happy and ignore or push out anything standing in the way (within reason). Why am I unable to give myself the same permission?